Thanks. One of the issues with us is I lost weight so he finds me somewhat attractive but the OM made me a running schedule so he sees my weight loss for OM and not anyone else. I don't blame him but I don't know how to show him it wasn't for him. And how do you make yourself attractive to someone who is repulsed at "the new you"??
UA: I lost weight just dealing with this issue (40 lbs) and my H keeps telling me how much he likes the new me. But that doesn't stop the "is it for someone else" questions. I wouldn't tell him that it's your stress that's causing it, it will seem like you are blaming him. Part of my problem was always self esteem - so I tell him that weighing less is something that makes "me" feel good. Not turning to anyone or anything else to do it.
I was losing the weight before all of this happened. Actually the OM had made up a running schedule for me that I started following (Bad I know) and I lost about 20 lbs before this all happened....so he sees me now as a new person who disgusts him. He doesn't like the new me - all his words of course.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Definitely. You need to validate like crazy. Reaffirm what you say, don't sound desperate, show compassion. As a husband who was cheated on, I need this daily from my W, though not so much anymore. I have to look deep inside myself to forgive her and move on, and it helps if she is remorseful though I have not heard that from her yet. My W seems to want to commit to our R, and shows it by being more compromising when it comes to ML, spending time together, and calling me (but not all the time). I felt dirty, I despised myself, and I couldn't stand the thought of her cheating, especially when I read her emails about how "in love" she was with OM. Bottom line - it hurt, and it was a deep hurt. That's how we feel, or felt.
So do confirm this, but I would do it when you notice him doubtful, down, or looking sad. Otherwise, when he asks, confirm and validate. He will also be angry at times, I am. That's not a good time to talk about your R or the A since it will escalate. Basically you know the best times to show him your loving actions. As husbands we need that! And it does help, but it has to be part of your DBing, and if it works just keep doing it, whatever doesn't work then do something different. You also need to help him with GAL, but I am very glad to see that you are on these boards!
Keep it up!
Don't sound desperate - that's one that I have to focus on. I think I'm ending up sounding whiney. (I HATE that!)
As for ML - we went at it for awhile there. But now, he's no longer taking the initiative and wants me to do everything. But right in the middle of it - he'll bring up "did you do that for OM?" Not very conducive ML. I get frustrated and stop. And then there's a huge disappointment and loss of connection. He admitted this morning that it's his fault for letting it happen - that if he really wanted to ML, then he wouldn't let his head go there.... So I guess that is a step in the right direction.
He is afraid. He thinks that I'll let another A happen. He feels unsafe phsyically and mentally. I keep telling him that there is nothing. All contact with OM and anyone who knows about it is FINAL and COMPLETE. But he says that since he'll never know for sure....he can never trust me.
Quote: But right in the middle of it - he'll bring up "did you do that for OM?" Not very conducive ML. I get frustrated and stop.
Don't stop and don't let your frustration get in the way. This is a time of pleasure for both of you, an intimate time. Focus on your H throughout ML, and if you need to answer him simply say "no", and move on.
Quote: He is afraid. He thinks that I'll let another A happen. He feels unsafe phsyically and mentally.
This is very natural. It's exactly how I feel at times. There isn't a moment that goes by when I don't think about my W and OM, but then I focus on the positives that are happening with us. I too think that she will have another A, but only if I don't change and fix the serious issues that my W had complained about. It takes a lot of work, but in the end we all want a better and lasting marriage, right? Part of the reason my W had her A was my lousy commitment to our M, and I try to focus on that instead of the stupid A. I don't want this to repeat again, in this R or any other one I may or may not be in, and if the problems don't get fixed they will continue on into the next R. I don't want that, none of us do. I want to be M to a loving W and I want to be a loving husband, a good father and a good provider. I don't ever want to take my W for granted again. I hope your H can realize that the real issues he needs to focus on (you both do) is in the marriage itself.
It also takes time, from months to a few years. But if in that time there can be a lot of love and respect then your M has a good chance of getting better. I wish my W had your level of commitment to working on our M, but everyone's sitch is different and each of us is different as well. We all grow in our own time. It is hard, I know. I want all of this to end and for my M to get back on track, and on a higher level than before. Basically a new R is what needs to take place.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
not to hijack but SOL - how long have you been dealing with this? When did it first happen? Was the A ongoing? Did you want to work on it always or is it a recent development for you?
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
My W has known OM for about 4 years. During that time I was in the navy, and recently got discharged from a ship, where I served 2 1/2 years. I was deployed a lot during that time, and I only found out about her A last Nov. From what I gathered as proof, it started around last Aug, but I don't know for sure. My W has said OM was has always been interested in her, and he knew she was M. Once I found out about the A I wanted to work on our M (while still dealing with the hurt, crying, crowding her...). I told my W i still loved her, and was heart broken when I found out through another person. I couldn't believe any of it, and it was happening right under my nose. Before I found out, she started talking of D, and I was stunned. I had no clue about the A, but then I found out and it all made sense - she was "in love" with OM.
My first thought was to work on my M and to try to figure out where it went wrong. It hit me pretty hard. I confronted OM, and W, showed her proof (against all advice), and now I am taking each day slow, just seeing where our piecing will take us. Up until now I have shown my W that above all else, I am remaining by her side. I decided that if the worst happens, she will have to be the one to initiate a D or sep or whatever. The thing is that the OM is still in the picture, and I have had enough of it, so I'm taking a stand here, but it's for my M.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
see that's where our situations are different. I was reading your stance and was hopeful that my H would eventually come to the same conclusions you have.
I don't know - I don't want to say I doubt it will happen, but deep in my heart I do.
What's funny is I was cleaning out emails and there were some from over three years ago that OM had sent - I guess testing the waters but I wasn't receptive to it at the time. I didn't take them in the spirit they were intended. I am so stupid.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
UA - You're not stupid. It happened under unhappy conditions in your R, same as mine. I am still trying to take all of this in - the facts, the advice, my reasoning and the stance I have chosen. I had to go through h#!! to get where I am and where my R is with my W. Sometimes I think that I am just plain lucky that she is still here and seems to want to work on our M.
~Sol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dad, and luvin it! ~ Happiness is a state of mind ~
see that's what I don't get. I have cut off all ties with OM, it happened one time, it is not a continuing "thing" and I do want to make it work - and for some folks here, they'd be ecstatic, but it's not enough for H. I know not to expect too much too soon - or to really expect much of anything - it just sucks.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
