Cheater needing assistance

[~Sol]

GC,

But right in the middle of it - he'll bring up "did you do that for OM?" Not very conducive ML. I get frustrated and stop.

Don't stop and don't let your frustration get in the way. This is a time of pleasure for both of you, an intimate time. Focus on your H throughout ML, and if you need to answer him simply say "no", and move on.

He is afraid. He thinks that I'll let another A happen. He feels unsafe phsyically and mentally.

This is very natural. It's exactly how I feel at times. There isn't a moment that goes by when I don't think about my W and OM, but then I focus on the positives that are happening with us. I too think that she will have another A, but only if I don't change and fix the serious issues that my W had complained about. It takes a lot of work, but in the end we all want a better and lasting marriage, right? Part of the reason my W had her A was my lousy commitment to our M, and I try to focus on that instead of the stupid A. I don't want this to repeat again, in this R or any other one I may or may not be in, and if the problems don't get fixed they will continue on into the next R. I don't want that, none of us do. I want to be M to a loving W and I want to be a loving husband, a good father and a good provider. I don't ever want to take my W for granted again. I hope your H can realize that the real issues he needs to focus on (you both do) is in the marriage itself.

It also takes time, from months to a few years. But if in that time there can be a lot of love and respect then your M has a good chance of getting better. I wish my W had your level of commitment to working on our M, but everyone's sitch is different and each of us is different as well. We all grow in our own time. It is hard, I know. I want all of this to end and for my M to get back on track, and on a higher level than before. Basically a new R is what needs to take place.