When I think back on when W and I first fell in love, she was perfect. And in her eyes, so was I. That was 25 years ago. About two years ago, my world was turned upside down.
What happened? Did she change? Did I?
Yes. We both changed. And if we both changed so fundamentally, then isn’t it logical that the only thing to do is to go our separate ways? Even if physical separation wasn’t practical because of the kids, we’d grown apart, and that would never change would it?
But I still loved her. I still wanted to be with her. Why?
Because fundamentally, neither of us had changed. The core person that I fell in love with was still there, and vice versa.
She no longer saw me through rose coloured glasses. She’d “matured” to the point that she realized that putting me on a pedistal was wrong, and also that it was wrong for me to do the same to her. It’s not “real.”
The “reality” was that I was an insensitive, selfish, domineering lout.
Had I been completely insensitive throughout my M, and only came to realize it when my W “changed?” Or even worse, was I domineering and insensitive to the point that she was never able to be herself. She didn’t change, she only decided not to let me “do ‘it’” to her anymore.
That was her reality.
But, there’s no such thing as reality. There’s no such thing as right or wrong.
There’s perception, and there’s what works (or doesn’t).
I don’t know how long it took for my M to get into trouble. It seemed to happen overnight. I was still wearing my rose coloured glasses.
But whatever I was doing only served to reinforce her newfound reality.
So I set out to reverse the damage in a painful process of discovering what her perception of me really was, and what I did to evoke such a negative perception.
Each revelation cut me like a knife. I remember telling her, “But I’m not like that!” Her reply was, “Yes you are.”
There were times when she even went as far to say, “You are, and always have been.”
There’s no rebuttal for that.
The only path left open to me was to stop doing anything to reinforce that perception.
That meant allowing her to think whatever she thought of me. Allowing her to do whatever she felt she needed to be “real.”
It meant that I no longer had any valid feelings.
Of course, this is an oversimplification. Both in terms of her perception and mine. But I did have to spend a lot of time swallowing my pride, duct-taping my mouth and sucking in a lot of hurt.
And it worked.
I was no longer an insensitive, selfish, domineering lout. In fact, I never was! Now, I was someone who had “a lot of patience” with her!
So things are great, right?
Well, they’re much better, but there’s still something missing.
Yes, her perception of me has changed. But her perception of the validity of my needs/wants/desires has not.
My W is an important part of my R. But now, I have to ask myself, “What about me?”
It would seem simple for me to simply ask for what I want, but here’s the kicker…
When I do so, the response is still opposition. What I want is either impractical (can’t spend more time alone because of S#2/autism), she’s too tired (and this is true), or unnecessary (OR has evolved. We don’t [I]need[/I] to do these things.)
On the last item, it always seems to go back to, “You’ve always put too much importance on… «my desire».”
So DB has changed me from villain to good guy.
My problem now, is…
How do I get my W to accept my needs, desires, wants, opinions without reverting to the bad ole Andy. The Andy that never was.
I can’t do a 180. 180+180 = 360, and we’d be right back to where we started.
