Any advice on: a) how to handle threats of him leaving? I usually tell him that I don't want him to go, that I will do anything he wants for me to show him that I mean it (like quitting job)
b) should i give him advice on how to "deal with my A"? He has only one person who he can talk to about this, but I think he's stopped due to the stress on that person.
I've said that I want to help him "fix" it, but then I also tried to gently remind him that I couldn't crawl inside his head to make it stop hurting.
Roller-coaster indeed....
Well I can try to give some insight.
A. The leaving threat. He says this because he is hurt amd angry. The fact that he has not left is a good sign. He is trying to figure it all out in his head. I think you are handling it well explaining that you do not want him to go and that you want to work on the marriage, but I would also tell him that if he needs to leave, you understand and will give him the space he wants.
This situation is similar to a WAS, but it has differences. The main one I can see is that WAS does not want to have anything to do with the LBS and any affection or desire they show ends up being worse.
When the spouse is betrayed by an affair, they want the spouse that had the affair to reassure them, desire them, and reconnect with them. His nasty remarks are from the hurty side of him. To be honest, right now he is fighting himself constantly. Part of him wants to stay with you and love you, the other wants to hurt you. Hence the roller coaster.
2. Don't give him advice. It CAN NOT come from you. I mean what are you going to say? For us to move past this, you have to move on? no offence but that will make things worse.
Don't give advice. Just try to be there asd a friend and listen to his pain. Don't argue, don't defend, just listen and validate what he is feeling.
3. You can't fix him, he has to fix himself. You can be there to listen, to hold him when he is really hurting, tell him you are sorry. I am sorry I can not be more specific, but each stich is different and though ours seems similar, what worked for me may not work for you.
It is a roller coaster, with really big hills and 17 corkscrews!
