When conversations get to that point, you need to walk away. It is no longer a discussion, but a very unproductive screaming match.
Just so you know, every one of those comments you have heard, very similar, if not identical ones came out of my H's mouth.
I know exactly where you are, and when you say everything you seem to say is wrong ect.
I know this sounds strange, but when you talk, say what YOU need to say, as long as it is honest. Realistically, no matter what you say, no matter how perfect you say it, he will hear what he wants to hear.
You can't control his actions, only yours (hmmm I've heard that somewhere before )
I have been where you are, I know what you are going through as alot of people here have been. Stay strong, keep a PMA (even though that seems impossible at the moment), and most important...be patient.
He's in a pensive mood today. That resigned, "oh well, I guess I'll stay....even though I know she'll do it again."
A couple of God McNuggets (as UA calls them): We were at dinner and he was going to meet some friends afterwards. He asked if I would be drunk if I finished my second glass of wine. When I shrugged and said no, he said "I wouldn't want to leave my life here alone drunk without me." Tears welled up and I said "You said LIFE." He said "Life/Wife....it's the same thing."
Then the Satan McNugget: When he was out he sent me text messages that were mean and I ignored some of them. When he sent me a three in a row and I didn't respond, he called. I was shopping and didn't feel the phone. He was PISSED! He turned his off and didn't come home for 2 1/2 hours. Came home, stomped around and he fell asleep angry.
God McNugget: The song from Incubus "Drive" was playing on the radio this AM. I had just told him the night before that I was the one behind the wheel, like that song. He often calls me a "cork" - someone who let's their emotions bob up and down with whomever they are dealing with. If he's sad, I'm sad etc. But I took hearing that song as a great PMA for the day. Well that and a quick ML session before going to work was nice too!
Incubus has become one of my favorite bands since my stch has started.
Heck, one of these days we may all be able to get off of this darn roller coaster and actually start enjoying our lives.
O.K. As far as the Mcnuggets (You girls are killing me with that by the way )
Remember to not believe anything they say and only half of what they do. Glad to see that you got good feed back from him. Take the rest with a grain of salt. He is still messed up in the head because of everything. Heck it is like the cartoons where they have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other which are constantly fighting.
Take care, O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Any advice on the subject of building him up? He mentioned that any compliments sound ridiculous coming out of my mouth. He's not used to hearing them. I basically treated him like S$!@ for quite some time, mainly to ease my mind about what I was doing. Now, he says he feels "small and insignificant".
But on the other hand, he's bought me some cute clothes to wear for my new body (doesn't the stress of all of this just melt off the pounds?) I wear them for him and he seems to appreciate both me and the clothes!
Just got off the phone - he's waiting for the other shoe to drop. That there's something I'm not telling him, that my attempts at reconciliation are untrue. I tell him every day that I am loving him and keeping him safe from any hurt.
It's very Angel/Devil on the shoulders. I am keeping a PMA....since I've only been at this since September and I see that folks here have been working on things for a heck of a lot longer.
If the compliments are not working try somthing else. Have you read "Five Love Languages"? Maybe you are just pushing the wrong buttons as far as showing your love.
Just continue to make him feel safe and comfortable around you. Trust is a very hard thing to regain when crap like this unfolds. However, in time he will start to trust you again.
What does he like to do?
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
And the advice I hear given to the BS - detach and let the OS come to you. So, I'm coming to him. And I'm telling him that I love him and want things to work. When I tried to validate his feelings he responded with "Oh sure, now the counseling session has begun...." very sarcastic...
Since he's angry and hurt and saying things about leaving (but not actually doing anything about it), should I treat him like a WAS? Is he really walking away? He says he has to protect himself from further hurt - and has stated time and time again that he cannot forgive me. He MAY try to find a way to live with it, but he's having problems with that one.
Any advice on: a) how to handle threats of him leaving? I usually tell him that I don't want him to go, that I will do anything he wants for me to show him that I mean it (like quitting job)
b) should i give him advice on how to "deal with my A"? He has only one person who he can talk to about this, but I think he's stopped due to the stress on that person.
I've said that I want to help him "fix" it, but then I also tried to gently remind him that I couldn't crawl inside his head to make it stop hurting.
Quote: I usually tell him that I don't want him to go, that I will do anything he wants for me to show him that I mean it (like quitting job)
Sounds like begging. Take UA's approach. Tell him how you feel and then let it go. You do not have to keep repeating yourself everytime he threatens to leave. Heck it seems like he does not believe you anyway. Show him that you are trust worthy. Words only go so far. AS a LBS we are also told to not believe anything that we are told and only half of what they do.
Quote: should i give him advice on how to "deal with my A"? He has only one person who he can talk to about this, but I think he's stopped due to the stress on that person.
I would say no. As a man I would take that as you telling me that I am an idiot and I do not know how to deal with my own problems. Typical guy physco babble. I have not read you whole sitch but have you asked him to go to MC? Might be a way to get him to open up a little bit. Sorry if I missed the fact that you are already going.
Quote: I've said that I want to help him "fix" it, but then I also tried to gently remind him that I couldn't crawl inside his head to make it stop hurting.
Again it goes back to not believing anything you say and only half of what you do. You need to show him that you want to help fix the M not tell him. Remember, Actions are alot more important that words.
Later, O
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Any advice on: a) how to handle threats of him leaving? I usually tell him that I don't want him to go, that I will do anything he wants for me to show him that I mean it (like quitting job)
b) should i give him advice on how to "deal with my A"? He has only one person who he can talk to about this, but I think he's stopped due to the stress on that person.
I've said that I want to help him "fix" it, but then I also tried to gently remind him that I couldn't crawl inside his head to make it stop hurting.
Roller-coaster indeed....
Well I can try to give some insight.
A. The leaving threat. He says this because he is hurt amd angry. The fact that he has not left is a good sign. He is trying to figure it all out in his head. I think you are handling it well explaining that you do not want him to go and that you want to work on the marriage, but I would also tell him that if he needs to leave, you understand and will give him the space he wants.
This situation is similar to a WAS, but it has differences. The main one I can see is that WAS does not want to have anything to do with the LBS and any affection or desire they show ends up being worse.
When the spouse is betrayed by an affair, they want the spouse that had the affair to reassure them, desire them, and reconnect with them. His nasty remarks are from the hurty side of him. To be honest, right now he is fighting himself constantly. Part of him wants to stay with you and love you, the other wants to hurt you. Hence the roller coaster.
2. Don't give him advice. It CAN NOT come from you. I mean what are you going to say? For us to move past this, you have to move on? no offence but that will make things worse.
Don't give advice. Just try to be there asd a friend and listen to his pain. Don't argue, don't defend, just listen and validate what he is feeling.
3. You can't fix him, he has to fix himself. You can be there to listen, to hold him when he is really hurting, tell him you are sorry. I am sorry I can not be more specific, but each stich is different and though ours seems similar, what worked for me may not work for you.
It is a roller coaster, with really big hills and 17 corkscrews!
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- sorry for the one negative. I swear your sitch sounds SO much like mine, it's creepy!