Thank you for the encouragement but I'm about to crack. I'm not sure how to ease his pain. He wants me to talk to him, but everytime I keep telling him I want to work it out and I will love him until I die....he says that does nothing to help him with his pain. I keep screwing up....even as I type this. If he's quiet I'll get quiet too, because I feel shame and guilt and I am unsure of what to say. So I try to make small talk, which tells him that I don't care about him. All he does is talk about how I destroyed our life.
Quote: Thank you for the encouragement but I'm about to crack. I'm not sure how to ease his pain. He wants me to talk to him, but everytime I keep telling him I want to work it out and I will love him until I die....he says that does nothing to help him with his pain. I keep screwing up....even as I type this. If he's quiet I'll get quiet too, because I feel shame and guilt and I am unsure of what to say. So I try to make small talk, which tells him that I don't care about him. All he does is talk about how I destroyed our life.
ask him out on a date. Don't talk about the R. Make a rule that if you go on a date, NO R talk. Go to a nice dinner (or a loud, crowded dinner depending on his mood ) and a movie. Or skating. Something you used to enjoy - if he'll go, do it!
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
My semi-decent lunch turned out to be all in my head. No R talk seems to be his button pusher. Right now, that's all he wants to do until he can wrap his head around things...
Quote: My semi-decent lunch turned out to be all in my head. No R talk seems to be his button pusher. Right now, that's all he wants to do until he can wrap his head around things...
Answer his questions. Don't yell though.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
I've answered all his questions and now I'm in repeat mode....never yelling (ok, once I screamed that I was sorry and that I would take everything back if I could...) it only hurt my voice. I don't think it made too much of an impact.
I had that same problem. My H ALWAYS wanted me to do the talking, and when I did at the beginning, it always turned bad, but as time went on, some conversations became constructive.
There will be times where you are repeating yourself, probably about 6 times in the same hour, and it is ok. He may be trying to see if you trip up and say something new.
Right now, he feeles he should not have to do ANYTHING to fix this marriage, it is all up to you, so when you don't talk, he thinks you are not trying.
I am going to take a stab in the dartk here. If you don't mind me asking, with your A's, was a main point for them because these men would "talk" and "listen to you? Did you tell your H that?
If so, that is what he is waiting for. He wants you to talk to him like you would talk to them. Do you see what I am saying? When you two do talk, and you tell him you love him and want to stay with him, and he says, that's what you want, have you tried asking him what he wants? Has he told you? You may not like the answer you get, so be prepared. Maybe to start the next conversation, say to him that you really appreciate him trying get past all of the hurt and stay in the marriage, that you admire his strength and that you are truly sorry for hurting him the way you did.
I had that same problem. My H ALWAYS wanted me to do the talking, and when I did at the beginning, it always turned bad, but as time went on, some conversations became constructive.
There will be times where you are repeating yourself, probably about 6 times in the same hour, and it is ok. He may be trying to see if you trip up and say something new.
Right now, he feeles he should not have to do ANYTHING to fix this marriage, it is all up to you, so when you don't talk, he thinks you are not trying.
I am going to take a stab in the dartk here. If you don't mind me asking, with your A's, was a main point for them because these men would "talk" and "listen to you? Did you tell your H that?
If so, that is what he is waiting for. He wants you to talk to him like you would talk to them. Do you see what I am saying? When you two do talk, and you tell him you love him and want to stay with him, and he says, that's what you want, have you tried asking him what he wants? Has he told you? You may not like the answer you get, so be prepared. Maybe to start the next conversation, say to him that you really appreciate him trying get past all of the hurt and stay in the marriage, that you admire his strength and that you are truly sorry for hurting him the way you did.
But you have to mean it and sound sincere.
Good Luck
Everytime I say anything to him - it comes out wrong, he takes it wrong or I feel like I'm just repeating myself.
And it does feel like half the time it's a test - his questions are: Do you miss OM? Aren't you wishing he was here to hold you?
Then comes the anger: You're a bad person, you treated me like S#!@, you should probably leave now - you are going to anyways...
I only hope we can get to a place where it's constructive.
I am going to take a stab in the dark here. If you don't mind me asking, with your A's, was a main point for them because these men would "talk" and "listen to you? Did you tell your H that?
If so, that is what he is waiting for. He wants you to talk to him like you would talk to them. Do you see what I am saying? When you two do talk, and you tell him you love him and want to stay with him, and he says, that's what you want, have you tried asking him what he wants? Has he told you? You may not like the answer you get, so be prepared. Maybe to start the next conversation, say to him that you really appreciate him trying get past all of the hurt and stay in the marriage, that you admire his strength and that you are truly sorry for hurting him the way you did.
But you have to mean it and sound sincere.
Good Luck
Yes, the OM would listen to me and we'd discuss work. It was emotional for me. The physical response was because he was filling those needs. I tried to explain it to H, but he's insisting that I was just a tramp who dropped her pants at the first person that said I was pretty.
I do tell him that I love him and that I want this marriage to work (response - yeah, now....after you've been F***d every which way). And when I ask him what he wants it varies between: I want you to FIX it and I want a wife who doesn't screw around. I tell him that I'm not - that's not who I am or want to be (and again I get - yeah, now).
I try to remain patient - but I ended up screaming at him last night his tirade got too graphic for me and I didn't know how to shut him up.
) and a movie. Or skating. Something you used to enjoy - if he'll go, do it!