You will just have to let him vent his anger and whatever emotions he's feeling right now. Each betrayed spouse will have to go through these emotions or healing will not really occur. He has to mourn the betrayal of trust. For now, you will have to take each hurtful word he's going to say because in his mind, it's payback time.
The above is from the point of view of a BS, I went through the same feelings. I was angry, sad, crazy?, and desperate the first few weeks. After that, I tried to find answers, suggestions and support from others including this forum. I still get angry and mad sometimes but not like before. He will get through this with your support. A lot of people here would wish that their spouse is doing what you're doing now.
wedge: Thanks for your POV. I have trouble responding to his anger and I think that makes matters worse. I end up saying the same things over and over again (ILY and I want us to get through this together), but the words are falling WAY short.
I don't know if he'd appreciate my getting advise from these boards. He's anti-counseling and has made it clear that if ANYONE (friends/family) finds out he will leave me.
Sonato - sometimes it's tender and love filled, other times the connection isn't there.
I can't say that any of this will help you and your H, cause everyone's different, but I can let you in on some things my W did that helped me. Just be aware it takes a lot of time, then even more. But it sounds like you're willing to do what it takes and I applaud you for that.
It sounds, though, like he's just going to be fighting a desire to rake you over the coals for a while. I do think that a counselor would be helpful because I think a good one would help y'all work through that stage and communicate more constructively.
He's hurting and will be hurting and angry for a long time, and he has to decide at some point to stop allowing that to affect his ability to be constructive. He has to forgive at some point, and y'all should realize that forgiveness is both an initial decision and also a process that involves, and gives birth to, real healing.
It doesn't sound like he's there yet, obviously.
If you're going to be out of pocket or make an unexpected trip to the store or something, he might appreciate you just calling and checking in with him. That in itself really means nothing in the days of cell phones cause my W was often with the OM when I called her, but seeing your willingness to accommodate him to a reasonable degree may mean something to him and indicate good faith on your part.
The thing was that after I saw she was willing to do that for a while, I didn't want to expect that of her because, despite her lying, I thought that was demeaning and knew it wouldn't lead to the kind of M we would be happy in.
More specific info about what the circumstances of your M have been might help folks give relevant suggestions, but the main thing is to be loving toward him and be patient with him.
So whatever you do or he needs done that really says to him "You're number one with me" would be good. Some people like to be told, some people like gifts, some people like affection. There's a book called the Five Love Languages that goes into that. I haven't read it but I hear it's good.
In my sitch, our MC gave us an assignment where we were supposed to make a list of 10 things that a spouse could do that would say to us, I Love You. So I got a list of that from my W and just did em all; she did the same for me. But you get the idea.
But the point is, it's gonna take a long time, and you both are going to have to be patient with each other and, really, get over both your affairs and then, more importantly, the problems in your M that led to them, and he's going to have to take some responsibility for that as well. I had to. Heck, I wanted to.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Thank you TL! I haven't posted my sitch yet. I will as soon as I get time. I will be patient...there are good days and bad days. Sometimes good hours vs. bad hours.
I do feel bad because posting here something that I'm hiding from him and he's VERY sensitive to me hiding ANYTHING from him at this time.
I just wanted someone to talk to who could give me some sound advice.
MC is not an option at this time - he's against it. However, he says if all else fails....he'll try.
Sonato: My H and I had a great sex life, it was the "butterflies in the stomach" and "hey some other man is paying attention to me" that got me into trouble. It turned out that sex with the OM was not all that great. True love isn't about getting all hot and bothered....
He's acting resigned now. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe he's just tired of the constant R talk. He isn't ready to move towards forgiveness. You are right about raking over the coals....he isn't finished.
Quote: You are right about raking over the coals....he isn't finished.
My guess is he's going through a lot of pain and since your actions caused it he wants you to understand what he's experiencing. I'd expect a long bumpy road. Hopefully over time the bumps won't be so extreme and will decrease.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
yeah and, really, in terms of time...you need to be thinking in terms of weeks and months. You'll have weeks of tough-going then, BAM, an improvement that seems to have come from nowhere but is really just the tail end of a lot of hard work. It's just that you got used to things being rough so when they actually get a little good, it will seem weird.
But you've got a ways to go. Hang in there! It CAN get better.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Give it time, PMA and prayers.