I can't say that any of this will help you and your H, cause everyone's different, but I can let you in on some things my W did that helped me. Just be aware it takes a lot of time, then even more. But it sounds like you're willing to do what it takes and I applaud you for that.
It sounds, though, like he's just going to be fighting a desire to rake you over the coals for a while. I do think that a counselor would be helpful because I think a good one would help y'all work through that stage and communicate more constructively.
He's hurting and will be hurting and angry for a long time, and he has to decide at some point to stop allowing that to affect his ability to be constructive. He has to forgive at some point, and y'all should realize that forgiveness is both an initial decision and also a process that involves, and gives birth to, real healing.
It doesn't sound like he's there yet, obviously.
If you're going to be out of pocket or make an unexpected trip to the store or something, he might appreciate you just calling and checking in with him. That in itself really means nothing in the days of cell phones cause my W was often with the OM when I called her, but seeing your willingness to accommodate him to a reasonable degree may mean something to him and indicate good faith on your part.
The thing was that after I saw she was willing to do that for a while, I didn't want to expect that of her because, despite her lying, I thought that was demeaning and knew it wouldn't lead to the kind of M we would be happy in.
More specific info about what the circumstances of your M have been might help folks give relevant suggestions, but the main thing is to be loving toward him and be patient with him.
So whatever you do or he needs done that really says to him "You're number one with me" would be good. Some people like to be told, some people like gifts, some people like affection. There's a book called the Five Love Languages that goes into that. I haven't read it but I hear it's good.
In my sitch, our MC gave us an assignment where we were supposed to make a list of 10 things that a spouse could do that would say to us, I Love You. So I got a list of that from my W and just did em all; she did the same for me. But you get the idea.
But the point is, it's gonna take a long time, and you both are going to have to be patient with each other and, really, get over both your affairs and then, more importantly, the problems in your M that led to them, and he's going to have to take some responsibility for that as well. I had to. Heck, I wanted to.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
