I confessed to my H about having two affairs in September and I did it poorly. It took 2 months of him asking and prodding to get all of the info out of me. Now he doesn't believe a word I'm saying - rightfully so.
Recently, he's stopped asking. Now he wants me to "talk" to him, to help him understand how I could have done this to him, how to help him get past 7 years worth of betrayal. I tell him what I've done (changed jobs), what I'm going to do (no contact with OM) and what my plans for our future are, but he's not interested in hearing about the things I can control.
He wants answers about him - and I don't know what to give him. We spend hours at night in silence, until he's at a boiling point because I don't know what to say.
What I wanted to her from my cheating spouse is that he desires me, that I"m his future now, that he only wants me.
Tell him what he wants to know, does he about things you did together? He (like others here) is prob comparing himself to him, I asked my H insistently to at least tell me how sex was better than when he was w/the ow, in a desperate efford to hear from his lips that he preferred me better.
Have you tried counceling? it is not a silver bullet but is a great chance for the two of you to talk without pointing fingers and have the other shoot the other partner down.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I do tell him that....and his response "yeah, now...after you've had your 'fill'" He asked all kinds of questions about what we did together and I've answered honestly and brutally sometimes. But it always was that he is and was better. But then he focuses on "he was still good enough to take you from me..."
He wants me to talk to him, to ease his pain....when i tell him i love him and I tell him I stopped all contact with OM and that I want us to grow old together. He tells me to stop talking about me and what I want. It's confusing the heck out of me...
I've asked about counseling - he feels that he loved me so well and so deeply that they would only try to tell him he was wrong somehow. He's never believed in it and feels we can work on this together. On the other hand....he has said "if all else fails, we can go to counseling." Which gives me some hope...
Quote: I do tell him that....and his response "yeah, now...after you've had your 'fill'" He asked all kinds of questions about what we did together and I've answered honestly and brutally sometimes. But it always was that he is and was better. But then he focuses on "he was still good enough to take you from me..."
He wants me to talk to him, to ease his pain....when i tell him i love him and I tell him I stopped all contact with OM and that I want us to grow old together. He tells me to stop talking about me and what I want. It's confusing the heck out of me...
I've asked about counseling - he feels that he loved me so well and so deeply that they would only try to tell him he was wrong somehow. He's never believed in it and feels we can work on this together. On the other hand....he has said "if all else fails, we can go to counseling." Which gives me some hope...
He's entitled to all of the stuff he's feeling. He's hurt, angry, mad, etc. The list goes on. He wants you to hurt like he is - he's going to say mean things. Took my H about 2 months to really start that up (matter of fact, my A was in Sept. as well - and the past few days have really been hell at our house.)
Praying for you. Answer him honestly, but don't get baited into a fight. He didn't "take" you from him, if you're still there. Not sure if you should point that out though...
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
it's funny because I think some of the GAL things for me backfired. I thought about things to do to take my mind off of IT. So I decided to paint one of our walls in our living room. That to him, looked like I didn't care and wasn't concerned at ALL about what we were going through.
Then he was sleeping across the hall and I didn't "beg him back to our room" soon enough. He just "knew" I was doing more with OM because I didn't beg him back.... WTH I told him I was trying to give him his space, like he'd asked.
Can't win for losing right now I tell ya.
I have told H that I don't want another man and I get the standard reply - "YOU DID"...
No I didn't - I keep telling him I didn't want another man, I wanted him but he was unavailable. Since Monday though, I've decided we're not doing that any more. Not discussing it.
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
Another really great book is "Not 'Just Friends.'" That book kind of explains how to talk about and deal with what happened (what's helpful to talk about, and what's not so helpful).
I think 180s (that aren't aimed at reassuring him) would probably be more appropriate if he's out the door.
For quite awhile I'd expect rough times while he tries to work through the whole thing. I imagine he'll probably test you alot, pull away, and may go through some radical ups and downs.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I've tried to reassure him, but most of my efforts are quickly countered with a sharp comment. He's got a very quick wit and I usually am a day or two behind...
I'd appreciate any helpful ideas to reassure, let my H know that I do love, want and respect him. I've told him these things, but actions are much louder than words...
WTH I told him I was trying to give him his space, like he'd asked.