As the year ends, I'm reminded about the way it began and wonder how and why things turned out the way they did.
I started the year writing a letter to my wife in which I stated how unhappy I was with her, and implying that I no longer believed we had a future together. Not a day passed when I didn't think of divorce and I actively scouted the scene in search of possible new mates.
My anger subsided after a few months. While I certainly wouldn't call the last few months a "honeymoon", the year certainly is ending better than it started.
Any improvement has nothing to do with increased frequency of LM. If we hook up once in a month I consider myself fortunate indeed. And she still insists on sleeping with the children, now DD8 and DS6. And each of us still on occasion blows up and says things we don't really mean. But for now anyway, those blow-ups don't lead to days and weeks of seething resentment.
One reason for a lessening of my resentment is that I think I have found out how to get my W to ML with me. It is never as simple as just asking. It is also never a direct consequence of an act of kindness on my part. No, it takes time and listening. Then some more time and some more listening. It takes planning - spontaneous sex in the bedroom at night is not an option due to the presence of two kids.
Here's a story that sums up the sitch. One Saturday I had driven the kids to school and I returned home, knowing we would have at least 4 hours together. We talked about many things and were both enjoying ourselves, but I kept watching the clock making sure we would have enough time. As I started becoming more affectionate she said, "Is this all you have been thinking about all this time? I thought we were having a good day!" She knows what I want, but I can't be perceived as just spending time with her in order to get the goodies at the end. The good news is that I really enjoy spending time with her even when LM is not an option.
The other day I was in a waiting room with a couple in their 60s. They were talking, and if you just listened to their words, you would think there was bitter resentment between them. But you could see by the smiles on their faces that it was all good-natured ribbing. The "Four Horsemen" were nowhere to be found. I like to think that my W and I are becoming a little more like that couple every day.
Hey - glad things are ok with you and I'm glad you have found a way to be realistic and enjoy the good things. I would have had a tough time with the "is that all you want?" discussion. Sounds like you handled it well. I really take my hat off to the self control a lot of the guys on this board demonstrate because every woman's magazine on the market says that if he's not getting it at home a couple of times a week - he's getting it somewhere else. For me, one of the values of this board has been in hearing the exceptions to those time worn rules of being feminine or masculine.
That's great! Progress can be slow that's for sure, but you are learning how to interact with your W in a manner that works. It may not be exactly how you'd like it to be, but it works. That's pretty much how my H and I are too.
Since you did a Year in Review, I will too. As pretty much everyone who knows me on this BB will know, this year started out pretty rough (a few months in). Honestly, for about a 4-8 weeks or so, I didn't know if I would have what it took to work through our issues. However, finding out about what my H was hiding was the best thing that could have ever happened to our M. To think that I had spent three years married to someone who was hiding such a huge thing from me was really tough for me to get over, but I think I have. The other day, my H and I were getting ready to go out for dinner and he just stopped as he was walking by me and said "you are so beautiful, I mean...REALLY beautiful. I meant to tell you that the other day when I stopped by the dentist office and saw you in the chair and thought "she's really hot!" I think that may very well be the first compliment my H has ever given me that not only took me by suprise, but it also made me blush. We went out, laughed, joked, flirted....and had a wonderful time! I can't remember a time that I had so much fun with him....he genuinely appeared to be having as much fun as I was too!
A mere 10 months ago I would have never thought we'd be interacting the way we do now, or feeling the way we both do....but here we are. Are we boinking like bunnies? Nope, but we are ML more than we had in the past.....and the communication is there about it. At least now I know he wants to, thinks about it etc. It's as if our M has graduated to a deeper level, I think that's probably the best way I can put it.
Thanks for the response. I read those same women's mags and sure I look at other women, but I actually used to think about an EA and PA. Now I just look. I think my new sense of calm is accompanied by an improved self-confidence. I used to let all my fears be known by all members of the family. Consequently, my W accused me of being weak. I now am more judicious about spilling my guts, and my guts have less of a tendency to want to spill out. I've set more boundaries at work and with kids, and I am respected more for doing that.
I actually don't think that cheating on your spouse simply because one isn't gettin' any lovin' is part of the time worn rules of being (in my case) masculine. The model has been that the good husband just suck it up and do without. But I do think the new openness is a good thing. Think about the couples who endure long-term separation and return to some form of normalcy upon reuniting. They have been with us for a long time.
If Paul doesn't mind, I'll just add my Year in Review here, too.
This year has seen a complete turnaround in my attitude and major changes from my bf, too. I would attribute my changes to a couple of things. First, I've been reading a lot of Buddhism and nondualism (google it) stuff and it has given me a different perspective on my whole life, not just this R. I started attending my bf's C sessions every other week and got to express some heavy anger and resentment in the safety of his office. After I did that a couple of months ago, I saw major changes in bf. I think in the private sessions, the C must have pointed out that I was on the verge of cracking. Over a couple of weeks I saw a new gentleness, toning down of sharp remarks, more humor, more kindness, more affection... and it has continued.
I'm no longer thinking of bailing at all, let alone every day. Quite content, actually. Sex not an issue for me any more.
I just wanted to add that we've settled into a mellow rhythm that is pleasant and very undramatic. Bf settling financial issues with ex has contributed to calmer atmosphere. His daughters are off at college so that has changed the vibe around here. We're spending at lot more time at my house, and I'm spending time there alone. We've become involved in this startup synagogue. BF is getting into some online sound healing stuff. It's a whole new ballgame. His finances are still a mess and his house is still a mess. He's starting to notice the house.... that's a good thing. He's been completely sober for two years and eight months-- his first really sober time in over 20 years. He has a LOT of catching up to do. His recovery is teaching me patience.
A lot of my growth is due to the help I've received here, and I'm VERY grateful. Happy holidays, my online friends.
Yes, Lill, it's been a good year, but I didn't notice it at the time.
I also appreciate the help I've received here. I used to "tattle" to the BB whenever my W did something I found objectionable. Nowadays, I try to work it out myself. I try to think, "What would those guys on the BB say?" And I'm able to come to a resolution.
and sure I look at other women, but I actually used to think about an EA and PA. Now I just look.
