As the year ends, I'm reminded about the way it began and wonder how and why things turned out the way they did.
I started the year writing a letter to my wife in which I stated how unhappy I was with her, and implying that I no longer believed we had a future together. Not a day passed when I didn't think of divorce and I actively scouted the scene in search of possible new mates.
My anger subsided after a few months. While I certainly wouldn't call the last few months a "honeymoon", the year certainly is ending better than it started.
Any improvement has nothing to do with increased frequency of LM. If we hook up once in a month I consider myself fortunate indeed. And she still insists on sleeping with the children, now DD8 and DS6. And each of us still on occasion blows up and says things we don't really mean. But for now anyway, those blow-ups don't lead to days and weeks of seething resentment.
One reason for a lessening of my resentment is that I think I have found out how to get my W to ML with me. It is never as simple as just asking. It is also never a direct consequence of an act of kindness on my part. No, it takes time and listening. Then some more time and some more listening. It takes planning - spontaneous sex in the bedroom at night is not an option due to the presence of two kids.
Here's a story that sums up the sitch. One Saturday I had driven the kids to school and I returned home, knowing we would have at least 4 hours together. We talked about many things and were both enjoying ourselves, but I kept watching the clock making sure we would have enough time. As I started becoming more affectionate she said, "Is this all you have been thinking about all this time? I thought we were having a good day!" She knows what I want, but I can't be perceived as just spending time with her in order to get the goodies at the end. The good news is that I really enjoy spending time with her even when LM is not an option.
The other day I was in a waiting room with a couple in their 60s. They were talking, and if you just listened to their words, you would think there was bitter resentment between them. But you could see by the smiles on their faces that it was all good-natured ribbing. The "Four Horsemen" were nowhere to be found. I like to think that my W and I are becoming a little more like that couple every day.
