Piecing together, or not?

[25yearsmlc]

Dear BND and K,

First BND--I don't want a Brazilian wax job, NO marriage is worth THAT!! Can't I just get a baggier bathing suit? Okay, back to earth....

You and K wrote very well and yet presented different views. I tend to go with yours more, but I also wonder if I'm just sooo ingrained in my Catholicism. Even though I feel open to other religions and am not convinced about many things inside my faith, I find when it comes down to ending the M, there is a part of me that has tremendous difficulty being the one to do it. For lots of reasons, but at least one of those is an unexplainable part relating to deep childhood beliefs that remain buried inside my heart. Also, I think K is right to give much credence to our well-being and I think that IS a legitamate thing to model FOR our children as well. My littlest one is female and I want her to know that when she sets a reasonable loving boundary in her life, it OUGHT to be enforced....but I don't know at what costs....

My H violated more than one boundary and I had warned him. Does he seem to get that? Not completely. But as my c said, (and they've met a few times and H likes the mc so that helps) H WANTS to "get it" and mc thinks he's sincere. I do believe H when he says he wants to be a better H, and wants the chance to prove that. H also says he wants to show me how important "we" are, to him. But somehow, it requires US to live there...?? Just to tell you two, Alaska offers us MAYBE--some unique wealth opportunities. I never emphasized money the way H does. But H is a doctor (and even though I've stayed at home the last few years, I do have a law degree) so maybe I bought into the idea that we'd never be broke. SOME of H's concerns are legit but frankly, HIS choices the past 2 years have cost us a fortune. Then again, his earnings gave us that fortune....????

The point about ALaska is I don't want to irrationally refuse to go there if it really is the place for us, for awhile. H agrees it is not the place for us to live forever, or even more than several years. I would aim for 2-5 years and if something fantastic goes on, then we'll reassess. Also, I have always felt God wanted me to do something political and I don't mean so much as a way to gain power. More like service related and more of a calling than a dream for me. Meaning, I feel obligated to work on solving certain problems and I have strong feelings about things that make me wonder if I'm meant to act on those feelings. I have often been given leadership potitions in nearly everything I attend or join. Alaska is going to probably be easier to make a difference in, than where I am now and not simply due to population. There are some philisophical differences here in southern California. Does this make me HAPPY? I don't know. Some of it is about purpose in life. I think this whole GAL has taught us that GAL IS what makes us happy and external circumstances are only so relevant to being happy. I can be happy with or without H. Part of me feels that H cannot. H said that I am happier than he is, because he is so lonely. Yep, a part of me said to myself, "Good, you deserve to be lonely...." But most of me felt bad for him. I'll get back to purpose later.

So, K. Motives are SOOOO big and soooo important to examine. But I am a great rationalizer and there are moments I don't know all of my motivation and whether I'm rehearsing my answers even to myself.....Weird, huh?

I also worry that I am taking the path of least resistance and justifying it. But then I have to laugh. Yeah it'll be sooo EASY to move me and d9 3000 miles away and this huge home and all our stuff and garage ingredients and start ALLLLL over far away and in a new school and job and blah blah blah and guess who'll get to do all or most of the work????? H??? ummmm, no, he lives there already..... d9???? ummm no, she is 9....so that leaves.....ME!!!!! ALONE!!!! MOVING without much help from H and this is not the first time for that.....BND, bet you've done this a lot so you know what a drag it is....

Then there are moments of resentment and rage that surprise me, and you probably have both had those. They can ruin otherwise nice times. I have to come up with a way to at least put those aside so they don't wreck our moments together. As you said, life is short and so much has been spent negatively and in pain.

Resolution? H SEEMS to want to just move on and do better. He also does say he's sorry he hurt me/us. I believe that. But I worry that if something just like this happened again, he MIGHT do the same thing since this apparently is working out the way he planned all along. Which means there is No real resolution the way I'd hoped at one time. THat bugs me more than anything else I think. That his shitty maneuvering ultimately DID work and I did just suck it up and put up with his selfish "Ends justify the Means" and as long as we are together making money, it was allll worth it.

The reason I sometimes do NOT believe that last part, is because of the R's with the older kids and H's dimly growing awareness that his older kids do NOT look at him the same, or feel the same. Especially d17. H says he wants to work on that R a lot and I support that. But she is going off to college next fall and we'll llikely never live together as a family and he'll have missed her last two years of high school. NO amount of money could have made me do that. K, I have to accept something Was2Sad said once, which is to try to look at this as something H felt he MUST do and had nothing to do with us as a family.

I will not likely "get" that, but I do get that I might have to accept it even without understanding. Maybe that is what we all have to do. Accept, regardless of understanding or agreement....

And as long as the WAS expresses love, remorse for hurting us and a desire to do better, maybe we just move forward together. K, I fear that I could come to see H sooo differently that I only see the negatives, can't rediscover the positives, and choose to say "I don't need what you give anymore". I am different than I was 2 years ago. I like myself more and I am less angry and less fearful and I think d17 sees that too. (That does have value). But I certainly see things in H I don't want to deal with the last half of my life. So
yes, I can see how that "good-bye" could occur without any real anger, which simply reflects a new reality that the WAS probably caused with their leaving, ironically.... But K, isn't their SOME element of choice in that? And with all this work and the kids involved, shouldn't we choose to try?

BTW, as far as the studies on kids and intact families, I believe very few have been done without an agenda. But for the most objective studies, they seem to support the idea that intact M are much better than divorces. Of course, horrible marriages suck the most probably. But that can be avoided if there isn't mental illness or substance abuse, I think. (Those are not issues here, at least not yet!)

I think we greatly understate the negative impact of divorce to comfort us for our selfishness. THere is a balance K. I am reading a book about the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People and didn't expect the moral emphasis I am finding in that book. But his point seems to be that you cannot be all that successful in life or your career, if your values are not in alignment with your goals. I think of Clinton and how important and good he wanted to be and how he craved the approval of others. He really wants to be a hero....But dang, the guy can't keep his pants on and that has undermined his long term goals and how he'll be remembered and that is a tragedy. He wants to be remembered heroically but does not act heroically. So much for his "legacy". Does this make sense? I know I want to help people and make a difference in their lives and in some ways, it'll be easier to do there...in some ways.... Isn't that God's will for us? And unlike Clinton, I don't think I'll need a lot of approval from others if I know I'm doing what I think HE wants me to do with my life.

Isn't that what gives us real happiness? Am I letting my deeply held fears and beliefs run my life, and if so, am I wrong? Feedback welcome. K, don't think I'm rejecting your thoughts as much as I am combatting them within. How are you doing with your relationship?

BND, how is it going for YOU guys now that H is back? How are the kids handling it all? Don't think there won't be bumps, like you said. I think my kids are angrier at H than I am, at least the two older ones. Unexpressed to H, by the way. Nope they don't tell HIM, they tell yours truly, with little snippy comments muttered to me...oh well. Give it time...

j-