Piecing together, or not?

[kirby]

Hey J,
Here are my quick thoughts on your dilemma. NOTE, these are not carefully analyzed. Consider the source. Warning.

To the question (The Question many of us hope to face one day);

Let's all be victims for a second. So, when the WAS/MLCer comes back, or wants the R to work....is there such a thing as resolving? Or do we just start over? And So what if we are right? What's so great about being right if you aren't together? Am I wrong to join him? If so, do I stay here, alone BUT right? What about d9, who likes many of the same things H likes to do, like archery, outdoors, etc.? How much value does having an intact family have? Having we all been saying, in effect, it's paramount? Okay, so let me have it folks.

We are victims. We have been hurt (we choose not to be victims though).Is there such a thing as resolving? Some of the books make it sound like there is and should be. Some make it sound like there won’t be. I guess it’s up to you, and S. If S is willing to resolve, apologize, give restitution, then great. If S isn’t, there isn’t much you can do except decide if you can live with that. I’ll give my opinion of that at the end.

IMHO, we have to start over, regardless. Even if the S apologizes, you have to start over, and build the R from the ground up. Maybe some of the bricks from the old R can be used to construct the new R, but each brick must be examined closely first.

What about the kids and what is best for them? This is one of the toughest for me to answer. Maybe for you too.

I think that the point of GALing, DBing, detaching, is learning about ourselves and what we need and want. What if, after all that hard work on oneself, one discovers that one doesn’t really need or maybe even want the S? What if we realize the S was OK for our old selves, but not healthy for our new selves? The S might not have changed or worked on themselves. I think the answer then is to move on. The LBS has become strong, knows what he/she wants, and is a whole individual. The LBS can choose who to be with someone and how much to share. I think it’s OK to say to the returned WAS, thanks, but I no longer need what you give.

I don’t think family is paramount. Maybe health and development is. Becoming a fully integrated, mature, adult, is the goal. Maybe the best we can do for our kids is to become that person so we can help them become a healthy adult, capable of true intimacy and a healthy relationship. Family is important. Many books talk about how kids do better in an intact family. I think the studies are confusing and there needs to be more, but let’s take it as given that kids do better with an intact family, even if the parents aren’t ‘happy’. So it seems selfish to say you should do what’s best for you, but that’s what I’m saying, FWIW.

If you don’t go with your H, will it be to punish him or get even? That’s probably an unhealthy motivation. After all the work you’ve done to save the M/R, if you don’t go to AK with him, would it feel like it was all wasted? That might be a bad reason to go too. If you don’t go because you don’t want to, or go because you want to, then that’s probably a good enough reason. What do you think?

For resolving the old hurt, I personally think I can live without it being resolved. I think I can move on and not hold a grudge. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to test my theory one day. Forgiving is really hard, but probably worth it, for the forgiver’s sake especially.

For kids, and specifically you d, I vote for doing what you feel is the right thing to do for you. Your d can hunt, enjoy the outdoors, etc. where you live now too. H can always be and will always be her father, right? Maybe summers in AK? I bet you and H could find some way to make co-parenting work.

I vote for following your gut feelings, after examining them for motive.