In reading your situation, I found a few similarities to my own, so let me come at you from the other side a little. My W followed me into the Air Force, and through 4 moves, and finally here to AZ. She willingly moved around and in fact committed to follow me while I was in the military. Once we settled here in AZ was when I first ran into a problem similar to what you describe. When I left one job and took another (same location and pay, just more percieved financial risk in her eyes), she really showed the lengths she would go to to have control. She fought my job switch for 5 years, constantly berating me, withholding affection, etc, after I did it when she disagreed that I should. My new job involved an uptick in travel (I travel probably 15-20% of work days), and about the same hours (I work 45-50 hrs per week, no weekends). I can tell you I thought her attitude was completely out in left field - that my employment should be up to me. She still does not understand this, even today. If I were, for instance, say I was preparing to start a business, guess what - WWIII all over again. Except, this time, I would be gone. I have not ever left for an extended time, although that possibility was always there during my military career, and I did have a couple of 6-week TDYs in there. In her eyes, when I switched jobs, I chose 'career' over her. I still today just cannot see that.
My wife has always had a confrontational attitude about things like work hours, trying to insist that I do what she says about them, refusing to even discuss it when I say, for instance, that I might need to work late or on a weekend day. She completely fears losing control, and therefore she believes she should never give even an inch about anything. Everything is a slippery slope to her, with some unacceptable result at the end, so she fights every battle like hamburger hill or something. This is not just work, it is everything, finances, raising kids, you name it.
I don't see my W's attitude in you over your H's move. I see you taking steps to keep your D in high school, with friends, which is good. I went to 3 high schools and I can see the wisdom of your approach.
Let me address the OP. Like you, I have met someone who has made me really think about the future. I have met someone who has shown me, in a short time, what I am missing in an R. Someone who offers affirmation, support, a smile, interesting conversation, who actually needs me, at least as a friend, and lets me know it. My goodness what an eye opener it has been. For it has shown me I am too young to live the rest of my life in a miserable relationship. It has shown me that people in relationships should make efforts to show they care about each other. That people should not be afraid to affirm each other, to tell each other they are OK, desirable, loved, cherished.
J, I see in you a desire to want to have your H be the one to meet your needs, so long unmet. I see you wanting to give him another chance. But I see you feeling like you will have to surrender too much to do so. I see that your H maybe misses you all, but has not really shown you that he has changed. And here is where you and I meet, because, in my sitch, I am in exactly this place. I see little evidence that my W is willing to change and to address the severe deficiencies in meeting my needs, to address the communication difficulties, the control, the constant hurtful comments, etc. So, like you, I have this moral question before me. And the really soul searching questions like "how will I look back on this in 20 years?" are there. For me, at least, the kids are older, so I don't have to soul search as much over that part. I guess, my friend, that is the definition of a crossroads. How do I answer the question "does my wife really care enough to change?" And that is your question as well. Thank you for all of your advice over on our controlling spouse thread.
