Piecing together, or not?

[25yearsmlc]

Hey VC,

good questions. First, heck yes I'll leave in the winter if I need to, which I did each winter while we lived there. When we lived there, H went "native" on me and had to hunt/fish/fly a plane and buy pricey toys and oh, btw, I had an infant with me all day in a place where I knew no one, and H was just a jerk. It is when it all started and that is psychologically an issue for me; I associate our R problems with going there I think. Not totally rational, I agree. Yes it's a "concession" of sorts. But really what else can he do, tie me up and keep me there all the time? I also have some legal considerations that might be fixable, if H agrees to them. The main one is that if we ended up getting a D, up there, I'd have to stay there to share joint custody, until d9 is 18. NOT a good thing for me.

I despise labels or using a diagnosis as an excuse. But the dark winters really affected me, and so did the remoteness of it all. Hard to get to or leave...so so far away from family and warm sunshine. I can have snow here, in 3 hours drive, or the beachy sunshine in 20 minutes. I LOVE where I live now, for the first time in 25 years I live in a Place that I WANTED to live, with H's agreement. H worked at Cedars Sinai, fyi, so I couldn't grasp why that wasn't enough. Jeez.

I am conflicted (really???). On one hand, I resent the hell out of him for putting me in a position where my choices are as follows: 1) Join H in Alaska and bring d9 with me. MEANS-- d9 leaves her friends, school, home and neighborhood and she will NOT be happy about that. I've moved kids before, and it gets harder all the time. Plus, THIS move would be different b/c d9 will not have ANY siblings with her to buffer the "newness". The other times we moved, they always had a brother and or a sister to come home to, and play with and be comforted with. ALSO, d17 is going to a college nearby where we NOW live....she could come visit weekends, or any night something bothered her. At the same time D17 would be leaving the nest for the first time, maybe "wobbling" a bit, I'd be yanking the nest out from under her. We talk in depth every day, they both sleep in my bed at night, eventually. Point is...we are very close. Moving there will separate them, in a big way.

2) OR, I can stay here and ......get a divorce? Have a "commuter" marriage? This sucks big time, except a little. Meaning, we have adjusted to life without H and as long as the bills are paid, I am doing alright here without him. Not great and I know a 2 parent home is better. But I'm not terrified of living alone...but H will hold me responsible for ending the M. He says he has done his share by not divorcing me...wth?? Not sure what that meant and he only says it when he feels defensive...

And VC, there is that one tiny other thing....THE obstacle.
I pray this isn't false pride, and I mean that. But since H did this whole 2 year deal in such a loser way, ignoring my desires, secretly pursuing it and NEVER really giving another place a chance----How can I go up there without change in him? I'd be an idiot wouldn't I? What about boundaries? My mc is pro-M but he feels that going up there now, without change in H AND how I feel about the place, is a set up for failure. I agree with that. Self resepect and the line between that and false pride, are blurring. If we had acted as we used to, (BA= before Alaska) we'd have sat down and listed the pros and cons of each location. Did that before. I saw NO research on H's part about other areas, or jobs, and he gave me no real reason for wanting Alaska except weird, vague MLC comments like "there's a gold rush up there and I don't want to miss it" and "I just really want to live there as much as possible" and, my favorite argument of H's b/c he really thinks it's strong, is "I've wanted this for a long time".....ergo, he should have it by now, even if it's wrong or selfish.....I recall thinking he sounded crazy, and literally asked him to get a full neuro work up, thought maybe he had a brain tumor. In the past, he admitted periodically that he was being selfish, or had "behaved badly". No more of that talk. IF he had just talked to me, let me in, I'd likely have listened to him. Last January I lay in his arms and said, "If you want my buy in on something, you have to let me in on the matter and get my input. These are joint decisions" (mind you, he had already gone to fellowship at this point, but that had an end date, UNLIKE Alaska) and H said to my face, "That sounds reasonable, don't worry..." Two weeks later he said he was working on taxes and could not come home that weekend, but instead went up there. Again. Ouch!!!

He also accepted their offer without my input! In fact, in each instance I had to withdraw the info from him as he never once volunteered it. He disrespected me and our M by doing what he did, and I KNOW he feels that since his financial numbers (making a gazillion dollars) MAY be correct/accurate, H thinks what he did was RIGHT....who cares? I do. Why? B/C if he thinks it's okay, who is to say he won't pick up and go next time he gets the itch, or a "great opportunity" and then, belatedly, hope we join him....it will mean that H can do nearly anything he wants, for a long time, without the M ending. He does miss us a lot and says he is "lonely all the time" which I believe. So, I don't think I can say he has not faced any consequences. But all H does is go to a job he loves, in a place he loves. Goes to bed wheneveer he wants, watches and eats and ya da ya da whatever single people without children do....yeah, sometimes I'm jealous b/c I never thought I'd be a single parent.

Way back when we were debating this, or so I thought, H said more than once that he would "PREFER" we join him there.....as you can imagine, that almost swept me off my feet....I LOVE the idea of moving to hell b/c my selfish H would "prefer" it.....YES, his tune has changed lately. That is a big deal but when I say amnesia, saying "prefer" is something he'll either forget ever saying, or want to ignore. Why is it some men really seem to do the ostrich deal and put their heads in the sand when a real problem is happening? It cannot get better without them doing something, but my H avoids issues and conflicts like the plague. Guess what? That makes MORE CONFLICT, in the end. It hurts me much more that he lied, at least 3 times, and shut me out of huge, high impact choices H made alone, over a period of many months....
My mother in law said H lied b/c he was afraid of my reaction.......to which all I could say was "well......duh..." Who lies b/c they're eager to get a reaction? He also said he didn't want to upset me.....I LOVE IT WHEN A LIE BECOMES NOBLE, gosh thanks for that favor!

Well, I've vented a lot, as you can see. And I thank you for that. Do I love the guy? Yes. And H tells me he loves me/our family/values us and will "prove it when we get up there" and he does say things I need to hear. Can't help but wonder why he can only do this if I move up there. But I don't want to be ungrateful for what I am hearing from him. Things I need to hear. But he is not a patient man...wants forgiveness pretty fast with maybe one apology, and zero time to re-build trust, it SEEMS.....could be off on that. But we have Lots of history and accomplishments, and wonderful children.

I honestly do not know what is best for d9, or d17 or S20. I do think the M matters to kids even when they're older....intact family, or weak scaredy cat Mama?...you decide. Seriously, God does want us to be happy, correct? Or holy? does "holy" mean, unhappy but getting into heaven?

Speaking of possible divine intervention---BTW, weirdly, I got a job offer there, so far without an actual specific salary mentioned....might be tempting. WHY is that happening? Is it a sign? Of course, since I've seen nothing in writing, it might be a non-issue. Ever since it got mentioned, H has stopped talking about moving elsewhere WITH me and d9. But even if the job up there somehow worked, What about starting a demanding job in a new place when d9 starts 5th grade there? Somehow, d9 gets the short end of the stick. BTW ALSO, the job up there is the type I'd love on my resume BUT is NOT my Dream job. (It's for the CEO job, which I won't be offered elsewhere, realistically. There is a shallow pool of educated talent there, with relevant experience that I do have, fwiw) MY dream job? I love to perform, and write and direct, which I do here. It does NOT pay well. But I'm happy. And productive. I write screenplays, comedy pieces, etc. HERE IN LA....wth am I going to do up there? The only DREAM job I can imagine there is MAYBE opening up a theater there, God knows they need one. OR maybe teaching drama, but here I am AGAIN trying to fit my needs into H's choices--THE STORY OF OUR M. Hence me joining the Army although I owed them nothing for school since I put myself thru college and law school....but H owed for med school. Guess who gets sent to flippin' Kuwait??? ME!!!! Hello??? wth????

WOW, I"ve vented some more VC. I feel less crazy now. So, thanks for listening. I'd love to talk with you some time btw, b/c I just got off of Rocco's thread and have no idea what he was offended by. Threads locked and I don't know how to find the post wherein he explains being offended. ANYWAY, thanks again, I welcome your input.
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