Piecing together, or not?

[25yearsmlc]

Hey all,

Starting this post, since I can't keep hijacking everyone else's. Okay, per my usual summary, H was in some sort of MLC and after getting his 567th credential at Stanford, against my wishes and without my prior consent, he moved up to Alaska for his dream job. He chose a job over me and our d's, (s20 in college). BUT he does not believe he did this. As you know if you 've kept up, H took and passed his boards in September and since that very day. he has said he misses me/us wants us to join him, etc. He is very lonely. I went up to surprise him for his 50th b-day and he was really moved, happy I did that, which was fine with me in part since I wasn't being manipulated iinto going there, but did it on my own, etc.

There's more to this story. I did not want to live in Alaska again, I already was there for 3 years and H went "native" on me. Then H did stuff behind my back, and THE DECEIT was the single biggest reason i felt I could not join him there. For one thing, the kids knew H lied to me, he said he was working on taxes but actually was in Alaska, etc. this happened at least three times... So I couldn't trust that "we" would leave Alaska if we both didn't like it, b/c obviously if H was willing to live there alone, or lie to get there, he'd never leave just b/c I didn't like it....if H had offered to leave with us after attempting it, we could have "tried" it out, but he was too afraid the answer would be "no", so he went about getting what he wanted, by lying and just deciding everything by himself, in secret, etc. I guess you got my point...the Process of deciding is more important to me than the actual decision made....

NOW H does say nice, hopeful things about US. Says he has "a lot of crow to eat and wants the chance to eat it...." His words. Says he wants to be a "better Husband" and thinks he "can be if given a chance" (25 year M, btw). BUT ever since the heroes he worships up there offered me a job there, (they offered me a crazy good job when I visited for H's b-day, and I ask you, What are the Odds???)

But NOW H seems fanatically obsessed with whether I'm going up there to join him and H has lost all mention of moving back here to join the family here, where we are happy. (Yes, H had a good job here, and I love it here, and have opportunities here I'd have nowhere else). Also, fwiw, the job I was offered there, would be great in terms of my resume. But It is not something I would have pursued, it's not my dream job. But it IS something I'd never get elsewhere....I think.

So, H now says he is "very lonely ALL the time"... Seems to blaming me...I'm not kidding. Also, he says he is tired of having to "pretend that his wife is supportive..." wth??? It is as if he has revised the entire sequence of events and wants to hear NOTHING of any lies, deceit of his, etc. Wants to talk about our future and seems to be implying that if I don't join him, then I am ending the M, and Not him for leaving. When I mention the choice he made about a job there, over us, H denies this vehemently.....??? wth???? I cannot tell if H is insane and simply has no one up there to give him reality therapy, or if he is just being a jerk who has to justify his reality so much that he now actually believes his own stories... this is NOT good news. It does not bode well if H can't grasp this. I guess I need to know what to do or say. I do feel bad that H is so lonely, but Christ, it is self inflicted loneliness....am I crazy? THIS is when I feel as if I'm in Gaslight--(BND I used that exact movie title with our mc over a year ago when the insanity began...) where the H tries to make the W think she is crazy by denying what he does/says like it never happened...

I need H to reassure me in a way he probably cannot. It's as if he cannot believe his own behavior and sure doesn't want to be reminded of it. Really makes him mad, in fact. I know he is lonely (does that mean it's only a matter of time before he cheats and justifies it??...) and now, he is also angry.

I don't think I have much patience for that b/c seems to me H was walking on thin ice as it was. He left me and d's 18 months ago, with no end in sight. H is pretending, and I guess i am enabling him to, that when D17 finishes HS in June, then d9 and I will go up there. It is very annoying for me to have to go along with this when the heroes are around, but I said nothing to contradict it. When alone, one wife said something about praying for me in my decision, blah blah blah and I told her, "this was not what I wanted and our d's are Not okay with it...but H is the love of my life and I don't want to throw in the towel, etc." wth has he been saying??? Ironically, the heroes are PRO-M and pro-family...if they only knew....Nope, I'm not telling. If H wants out, fine. IF H wants in, I'm not going to make it any harder.

Other things H said, that are GOOD: H wants his R with d17 to improve and asked how to do that...UNprecedented. H also sent 2 dozen roses to me for my birthday, along with presents, and that took some prior planning. Nope, he wasn't here. But he left a msg saying this would be the last birthday I'd spend alone, and that life is going to "be so much better...." I guess he means when I get up there. But why would I join him there, if he cannot be good to me now? So far, seems that H expected me to join him, kicking and screaming, no matter how or what he did....he said it once in mc, said he hoped I'd "give in" b/c his mother had, and in the past, so had I, on other things... like putting up with the prior lies and not filing for a D, or whatever. I tried to get thru to him about what a "dealbreaker" it is to be lied to....he kept it up until the time he left for the "last frontier...."

So, now what? I love him, and I agree that love is a choice. But H is not the man I thought he was, or he has changed. And I feel right now, that his present inability to be honest, or remorseful or reassuring to me about an honest future...that he is not a desirable partner.....he forced me to get a life of my own the last year and a half, and I have. I would rather be here, without H, than to join him up there and be mistreated. BUT then what if I did join him and things were to go well??? And what makes me think that is possible????

THINGS H said that are NOT GOOD:: "he is sacrificing the Most b/c he is lonely all the time" and is "doing this to CREATE a future for family". He did "NOT hurt anyone" when he lied/moved away....wth??? I am the unreasonable one since I won't even give it a chance up there....but no longer promises to return here if WE BOTH don't like it, after a few years. He once offered.( No repeating of that, I notice.)

negative? I need input and insight. BND is taking her H back, at least for now, but her H is saying things he Needs to say and he IS returning.....and yet, even she has the fears I have. What if they flip out again?

What if I go up there? That means uprooting my d9, AWAY from d17 - this is something H has NO clue about, since d17 leaves for college (although she is staying nearby) anyhow---as he cannot grasp that having a child move away for college could be hard on a little sister, a little girl who had a family of 5, when her big bro went off to college, her dad went off to Alaska, and now her big sis goes to college all in 18 months!!! So next summer I AM supposed to yank her 3000 miles away???? Does not sound appealing.
WHAT DO I WISH?? What is my goal/Dream??? H "awakens" and makes us his prirorty!! OMG!! Then he either returns home, or offers to. IF he meant it, I'd likely join him up there since I'd feel he made a big gesture. But he won't. He is too afraid of losing the world's greatest job...something that as a woman, I'll never understand...so he'd rather Not ask me, b/c I might say "no" and then what? Instead, he will stay up there, alone, and blame me "for refusing to be suppportive" and eventually he'll have an A, if he hasn't already.

Help??? Sorry to be so negative....then again, what better place to be
MY DREAM: H "gets it" and says whatever he can and means it, about changing his priorities in life, finally putting his family first, over his career...
and I give it a try up there, with d9's input....and either we're either happy up there, or we aren't and we go where we are happy...together...somewhere...
Am I crazy? Is H? Is this hopeless??
j-