Corri, "feeling comfortable enough to allow myself to feel pleasure, if that makes any sense." makes the most clear sense! You know, H's muscles are so terribly tense on his back, yet he won't allow massage. Talk about not feeling comfortable enough to allow comfort/pleasure!
"I had to give up something very important to me... critical to my well-being, I think. I wasn't willing to do that." Corri, when I sit in the hospital waiting room, there is so much time to think. I think I'm trying to balance the known, with hope/lessness and the unknown. Trying to balance the wonderful feelings of growing old together of dreams gone by with reality and honestly trying not to feel like I'm with a nice old man.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
