I can't comment on the Schnarch book, but I CAN comment from one who was in an SSM, now divorced, now into another R... and beyond the 'chemical bath phase.'
I think I have documented other places that my LD came roaring back on occassions when I was NOT expecting it... at ALL. Having had previous experience with my LDness, however, gave me amazing fertile ground to confront myself... afterall, I see my LDness as MY issue, first and foremost. And I am NOT kidding, my LDness typcially will come roaring back when:
1) I am feeling uncomfortable 2) I am not willing to be honest about my discomfort
Now when I say uncomfortable, I'm not talking about situations where I don't feel comfortable performing some type of sexual act (although that could be it)... it's usually, for me, reserved in an area where I am feeling particularly vulnerable... when I have to reveal a part of myself I'm not all that comfy-cozy revealing... like, say... receiving pleasure from a man and revealing my pleasure... or rather... feeling comfortable enough to allow myself to feel pleasure, if that makes any sense.
For those of you who don't know my background, this is a BIG deal for me, for I was sexually abused as a kid... and feeling pleasure (with LOVELY abandon) and having a man GIVE that pleasure to me did NOT mix. Though, I have to say, i don't think a woman has to have sexual abuse in her background to experience this same type of confusion. Religion can do it to her, skewed pre-conceived notions can do it to her, upbringing... you name it, it can happen.
Anyhoo. I've come to find that when my LDness kicks in... it has become an INCREDIBLE indicator to me of something I am trying to HIDE... either from myself or my partner. In one sense, I am almost thankful for my LDness now... because I immediately have to look internally first to see what might be amiss with me.
And truly... hiding ourselves from our S.Os., in MY opinion, is the NUMBER 1 thru 10 BLOCK to intimacy. I agree with Lil and Schnarch whole heartedly... communication is NOT the problem... it's not liking what we are hearing... and having no idea on the planet how to problem solve, but most especially, not being able/willing/knowing how to confront our OWN deepest fears, and reveal that to our S.O.
Judgement is a very, very, very sad thing. The moment I get judgemental about myself or my S.O., things GO TO SH!T.
But. At least I know that now.
For anyone who is going to ask me (probably Cobra)... would this knowledge have made a difference in my marriage... No. My xH was NOT willing to confront himself. And no matter how hard I worked, no matter how many books I read, no matter what I did... he had reached the bottom of his barrel. I will give him all the credit in the world for going as far as he was able, and I give him even more credit for at least, finally, being honest enough with me to TELL me he had reached his limit. It allowed me to let go of my anger toward him.
So when I finally left him... it was NOT out of anger, or bitterness, or because I thought he was a bad man... I just finally OWNED what I needed in my life, what was non-negotiable for me. It made me incredibly, incredibly sad. In order to stay with him, I had to give up something very important to me... critical to my well-being, I think. I wasn't willing to do that.
In my opinion, people really have to find their courage and hang themselves out there. Scarey business to be sure. Marriage will bring that out in you.
