Fran, congratulations on identifying some underlying feelings of yours... I sense that you are running out of rope on this sitch and that's good... now YOUR well-being is becoming a priority for you and that will be good for everyone. You will find a lot of good information here-- read the stickies. You are not the first or only spouse to find him/herself in this situation. Unfortunately it is very common. There is lots of help available. He must decide on his own to fight this demon-- if you get into the middle of it, he will think YOU are the problem, and alcohol gets let off the hook. He has to know that alcohol is messing up his life, not YOU and your demands, your moods, your arguing with him, your running hot and cold. See what I mean? If you talk about his drinking, YOU become the problem in his eyes. "The problem is not that I like my gin, the problem is that you won't get off my back about it!" So get off his back. Focus on YOU. You can do this and still live with him. When I was in alanon there were women there who had been married for decades to active alcoholics and were very happy. They knew where the boundaries were between his life/work and MY life/work. You cannot live his life or do his work for him. And while you are trying, YOUR life and your work go undone.
Quote: Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following twenty questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:
1.Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?
2.Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?
3.Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking?
4.Do you feel that if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking, to please you?
5.Do you blame the drinker's behavior on his or her companions?
6.Are plans frequently upset, or cancelled, or meals delayed because of the drinker?
7.Do you make threats, such as, "If you don't stop drinking, I'll leave you"?
8.Do you secretly try to smell the drinker's breath?
9.Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
10.Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker's behavior?
11.Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
12.Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
13.Do you search for hidden alcohol?
14.Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
15.Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
16.Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths you have gone to control the drinker?
17.Do you think that, if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
18.Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
19.Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time?
20.Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may help.
