So now I'M the one who's LD

[haphazard]

I am now getting to a place where I understand my need for cuddles/sex/affection and what I have been sacrificing to get those. I have been sacrificing my self-respect and putting up with ignominious treatment from my H just because every now and then he is pleasant and he will be affectionate and ML with me. I am being short-changed and I now see that I have been allowing myself to believe we are making progress when these episodes occur rather than understanding that I have been getting my "fix", feeling cheered up and better able to weather whatever comes next for a period of time. Nothing changes. Things do not get better. They stay the same.

On sunday H drank more than half a bottle of gin, as well as having had 2 or 3 glasses of wine earlier in the evening. He had a lot of work to do to prepare for the coming week and he knew there were potential pitfalls ahead. He was feeling stressed at the prospect which is probably why he drank far more than the already over the top amount he usually drinks. Well of course the inevitable happened. Something sparked him off and he had a huge screaming row at me. I did not engage with it, I looked at a spot on the wall over his shoulder. Eventually he blew himself out. I was so angry all day. We got together on Monday night for a chat. I told him off for drinking 3/4 bottle of gin. He claimed not to have done, he claimed the bottle was already open. I don't know why that took the wind out of my sails and stopped me from telling him that I can't take that behaviour any longer. I went out to choir practice, came home. Later that night we were in bed. H snuggled up and started to initiate - yes H started to initiate. My mind was in total turmoil, here he was actually initiating for the first time in months but I was still angry with him for the previous night's behaviour. I tried very hard to make myself go with it but I just couldn't, because although half of me was saying this is exactly what you've been wanting for over a year and here he is doing what you want - welcome it. The other half was saying don't put up with his BS behaviour don't let the bad behaviour slide like you have so many times before you can't keep letting him get away with this Jekyll and Hyde stuff. So in the end I didn't go with it. In the end I said "sorry H, I'm still haven't got over last night. I can't live with this Jekyll and Hyde behaviour". His said he knew he'd been bad but that was because he was so stressed out and he wanted to make it up to me by being nice, but if I was too angry to accept that..blah blah blah. I didn't bother to say much more. But I came to an understanding with myself. I know now that I am not prepared to continue being married to an alcoholic and I'm not prepared to continue to be mollified by his good behaviour. The good behaviour has to be sustained, the alcohol has to go or I go. He will still get stressed and pissy, he still won't be any kind of angel, but if he gives up alcohol I will know at least that that is not the problem and have more compassion to look for his real issues.

Fran