Heywre, Mama, Jeff, WCW, ACJ, and Bravagirl.. thanks for the thoughts I imagine I've gained more from ya'll and the others here than you know, but if someone finds anything in what I share, it's a blessing!
How many times do we see someone say they're ready to leave the board, only to have "something" happen that brings them right back? Yep.. stuff goin on here in the last week and it started the night I wrote my last post. I'm going to stick on WCW's advice that what we focus on expands, and try to not come here and post our day to day irritations. We've been discussing our physical R over the last week and I had a huge backslide. J and I had an argument over it and I sulked on the couch for awhile. It wasn't a big argument, but it could have been. I've made progress in removing myself when a conversation turns defensive and isn't going anywhere, but even though it wasn't ugly - the bad feelings remained for a couple of days. I came here and read the first chapter of the SSM. MWD is such a smart woman She described our R and what's been going on for years. The thing is.. J is trying and willing to work on our problems. He says it over and over and I can see that he's making a huge effort to give me what I need. Then my selfishness kicks in and my thoughts go south.. "this is going to take forever" "he's just being agreeable now so I won't be angry", etc. You get the drift. It's so hard for me to remain open to the small steps forward and be patient. On one hand I look at where we are and think about how much better things are, but on the other I think about all the years that we haven't really been lovers and I'm discouraged. Then I withdraw. Not detach and get busy like I should, but withdraw from J emotionally and physically.. a wall of resentment goes up. I see how I need to change too and how slow that is and then feel bad because his slow pace frustrates me.
Anyway, I asked him to read the first chapter of SSM too and he did. He said we should get the book and I agree. We see the C together on friday. It will be the first time in 18 months that we've been to C together. Kinda scary. I'm hoping that we like the C.. J thinks he can help us. He specializes in behavior therapy, so that's a plus. I don't think mulling over the past and discussing the problems into the ground is going to help much. We'd both rather do what works to improve our R.
Started back with the house redecorating this weekend. D12 and I had a great time planning her bedroom. It's going to be really cute and just the thing to lift her spirits I think. The painting is finished and if the rain doesnt start again, I'm hoping to get the floor laid today. D12 has been struggling a little lately with her attitude. It's hard to tell if it's just the road to being a teenager, or her anxiety issues that's causing it. The Dr. increased her medicine a little and I'm hoping that helps. She is so like J and it worries me that she's going to have the same struggles that he does. Oh, we did something as a family that was interesting. There is a website www.43things.com. You list 43 things that you want to do with your life. It came up on a pop up and I checked it out. I thought it would be neat to list some of my goals and track them. J, D12 and S20 decided to list theirs too. I learned some things about my family that I didnt know. We all listed some fun stuff that we'd like to do, but we all had some things on our list that were emotional, family related. J wrote on his that he wants to get S20 back into his life. It made me tear up when I read that. They've been distant and to see it as one of J's goals reinforces how much he cares about all of us. He also put that he'd like to walk on the beach by the lighthouse in SF with me. He's never said that to me, but after he put it on the list he said that ever since we went to SF, he's thought about how wonderful it would be to be on that secluded beach alone with me. Good memories, and something to shoot for. We really need to get some time alone just the two of us. And ballroom dancing.. we have that in common and didnt really know it. We both want to take the kids to the beach, but havent discussed that either. So now we're discussing a trip to the beach in the near future. I guess this is a something that works. We havent been great at communicating our wants/goals/needs. If I ask J, he has a hard time coming up with stuff. Making the list of 43 things told me more about what he wants than the many convos we've had. Gives me some insight on some things I can do for our R and what's important to him. First thing.. some time alone!
I imagine I've gained more from ya'll and the others here than you know, but if someone finds anything in what I share, it's a blessing!
