Hi everyone Things are about the same here. S7 and S4 had bdays yesterday. We had a great weekend with them. S20 came home and set up a wireless network in the house. I'm slowly getting more organized and J and I are working together on the finances. Slowly. I'm settling in to the pace of our progress and expected setbacks I think. J used to say that I lack the ability to relax. Again, he's been correct about that. Somewhere along the way I started forgetting to enjoy today for what it is and allow it to unfold. Then I did a total turn around and seemed to lack the ability to motivate myself. I'm glad for that. I've been relaxing and enjoying life lately. I'm becoming more motivated to do the things that count instead of trying to get everything accomplished. I was thinking this morning that our home is the most peaceful place on earth. I feel safe here and I feel loved. What a blessing after so much tension and unhappiness.
I don't think I'll be posting on the board much in the future. We aren't entirely pieced, but that's OK. We're in a good place for us. I'll never be perfect or have an H that loves me perfectly, but he loves me with all his heart. Of that, I'm certain. We might always have a struggling SSM too, but our affection for each other is real and lasting. We've always shared love and affection. What we lacked was respect, understanding, patience and communication. If we do nothing else but appreciate what we have and keep talking, we'll make it. I'm feeling very very blessed. J and I have known each other half our lives and still consider the other the most important person in our life. We both still want our R to be better and are willing to work on it. We're opposites. We drive each other crazy, but we're family. The boards have helped me so much. I imagine I'll still stop by when we hit a rough spot and try to gain wisdom from other's that are posting and have been where we are. At this point, realizing almost 20 years have passed, I want to enjoy this man that God brought into my life. Stop sweating the small stuff and creating the moments that we'll look back on in our old age. I've learned how to give my best to our R and most that remains in putting that to practice. The days that I've awoke to focus on improving or fixing, are the days when our problems are front and center. I'm tired of living my life focused on our problems. They'll probably always be around in their own way, but the days that are focused on what we have are so so much more rewarding.
I've learned how to be me here To accept myself and not apologize for it, but to not cram my version of how our life should be down J's throat. I'm finding that his vision and mine complement each other, but are very different. I wanted us to be perfectly fit.. the same.. entwined. Not a great goal for a family. Better to be separate, equal and still connected. I tried for years to mold myself into the perfect wife, mother, woman so that J would love me. The farther I stray from that goal, the more he seems to love me. Interesting. Maybe that's how we get back to being the person our WAS loves. When they met us, we weren't the perfect anything that changed to fit into their life. What attracted J was my individuality, my spirit, and most of what I've tried to suppress to make him happy. In his ordered world, he needs me to shake him up a little, and I need his order tokeep me grounded when I'm "out there".
We still have much work to do on intimacy. I know it'll be a very slow process and for the first time, I'm looking forward to experiencing that. I've had to drop the rope on this and keep trying to pick it back up. When I let go and follow J on this, things are great, but when I think about it, push and think about what I want, we go backward. So, not much to be gained by posting, worrying, setting goals and trying to fix it. The more I let go of my vision of what intimacy, affection and love looks like in our R, the more intimate we're becoming. Yes, I've been controlling.. how could one person possibly define what an intimate, loving R looks like between two people? I can't and I won't. The love J gives me is sooo much more genuine and wonderful than I ever imagined when I accept it and stop comparing it to what I think it "should" look like. If it didn't measure up to the shoulds, I rejected it. And expected this man I've rejected to feel like coming forward and doing more in the way I wanted. Unfortunately, we've both been guilty of that and there's been a lot of rejection between us. We have many wounds to heal. I'm not sure if either of us will every feel completely comfortable again, but in the meantime, we're snuggling and talking. That's pretty much all we can manage without retreating into our shells. At least where we are we're not feeling pressured or worried about expectations so much. We're building trust.
So friends, it's time to go and see what happens and start living trust. Trust that each problem isnt going to bring another bomb and each argument isn't going to turn us cold. Trust that we can work together to raise our children and continue what we started 20 years ago. Time to shed that label that we have "problems" that we have to continually overcome. Yeah, most marriages have some, so maybe we can call ourselves a normal couple who has stumbled along the way and picked themselves up. We've been to hell the last couple of years and I do trust that neither of us want to go back there. We've seen what life is like without each other and choose not to go there. Our kids are much happier than they've been in a long time. We're going to get remarried and I truly don't regret the journey that's brought us to that.
I'll be back from time to time.. thanks for everyone's support. I'd have lost my mind over the last couple of years if not for the BB and people here.
Quote: I'll never be perfect or have an H that loves me perfectly, but he loves me with all his heart. Of that, I'm certain.
Thanks Piglet for that little snipet - I think that has been my problem all along. I am trying to make him love me the way I love him and that's not going to happen - period! I have to be grateful that he hasn't left, he hasn't stopped trying, etc. etc.
I too am looking forward to the intimacy to begin again and when it does, I am sure my confidence in the R will skyrocket. However, I am not so naive to think it will not have its ups and downs (many many times) but at least I will know we are well on our way to repair (scars included but no necessarily a hinderance)
Best of luck to you in your R
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Piglet, What a profound post. You sound like a very wise woman. Thank you for taking time to stop by my thread, I really appreciated it. Things will work out for you, for this I am sure. All the best, Mamabear
Wow Sheila. I haven't really been following your sitch but I have read with interest when you have posted on other's threads. I'm so pleased for you. I think when i read this last post of yours I learned something about myself and my h that I had never realised before. We have a long way to go and may never reconcile but just reading this post gave me a lot of hope. I wish you well.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Heywre, Mama, Jeff, WCW, ACJ, and Bravagirl.. thanks for the thoughts I imagine I've gained more from ya'll and the others here than you know, but if someone finds anything in what I share, it's a blessing!
How many times do we see someone say they're ready to leave the board, only to have "something" happen that brings them right back? Yep.. stuff goin on here in the last week and it started the night I wrote my last post. I'm going to stick on WCW's advice that what we focus on expands, and try to not come here and post our day to day irritations. We've been discussing our physical R over the last week and I had a huge backslide. J and I had an argument over it and I sulked on the couch for awhile. It wasn't a big argument, but it could have been. I've made progress in removing myself when a conversation turns defensive and isn't going anywhere, but even though it wasn't ugly - the bad feelings remained for a couple of days. I came here and read the first chapter of the SSM. MWD is such a smart woman She described our R and what's been going on for years. The thing is.. J is trying and willing to work on our problems. He says it over and over and I can see that he's making a huge effort to give me what I need. Then my selfishness kicks in and my thoughts go south.. "this is going to take forever" "he's just being agreeable now so I won't be angry", etc. You get the drift. It's so hard for me to remain open to the small steps forward and be patient. On one hand I look at where we are and think about how much better things are, but on the other I think about all the years that we haven't really been lovers and I'm discouraged. Then I withdraw. Not detach and get busy like I should, but withdraw from J emotionally and physically.. a wall of resentment goes up. I see how I need to change too and how slow that is and then feel bad because his slow pace frustrates me.
Anyway, I asked him to read the first chapter of SSM too and he did. He said we should get the book and I agree. We see the C together on friday. It will be the first time in 18 months that we've been to C together. Kinda scary. I'm hoping that we like the C.. J thinks he can help us. He specializes in behavior therapy, so that's a plus. I don't think mulling over the past and discussing the problems into the ground is going to help much. We'd both rather do what works to improve our R.
Started back with the house redecorating this weekend. D12 and I had a great time planning her bedroom. It's going to be really cute and just the thing to lift her spirits I think. The painting is finished and if the rain doesnt start again, I'm hoping to get the floor laid today. D12 has been struggling a little lately with her attitude. It's hard to tell if it's just the road to being a teenager, or her anxiety issues that's causing it. The Dr. increased her medicine a little and I'm hoping that helps. She is so like J and it worries me that she's going to have the same struggles that he does. Oh, we did something as a family that was interesting. There is a website www.43things.com. You list 43 things that you want to do with your life. It came up on a pop up and I checked it out. I thought it would be neat to list some of my goals and track them. J, D12 and S20 decided to list theirs too. I learned some things about my family that I didnt know. We all listed some fun stuff that we'd like to do, but we all had some things on our list that were emotional, family related. J wrote on his that he wants to get S20 back into his life. It made me tear up when I read that. They've been distant and to see it as one of J's goals reinforces how much he cares about all of us. He also put that he'd like to walk on the beach by the lighthouse in SF with me. He's never said that to me, but after he put it on the list he said that ever since we went to SF, he's thought about how wonderful it would be to be on that secluded beach alone with me. Good memories, and something to shoot for. We really need to get some time alone just the two of us. And ballroom dancing.. we have that in common and didnt really know it. We both want to take the kids to the beach, but havent discussed that either. So now we're discussing a trip to the beach in the near future. I guess this is a something that works. We havent been great at communicating our wants/goals/needs. If I ask J, he has a hard time coming up with stuff. Making the list of 43 things told me more about what he wants than the many convos we've had. Gives me some insight on some things I can do for our R and what's important to him. First thing.. some time alone!
Sheila, I am so glad you posted! not glad that it was negative issues that drove you back though. I think, I know, I feel it, you and J have that base of love that will get you through all your problems. Doesn't mean it is easy, I totally understand the daily frustrations, but it is the overall puzzle that we look at, not the individual pieces.
Quote: Not detach and get busy like I should, but withdraw from J emotionally and physically.. a wall of resentment goes up.
Awesome! What a light bulb moment for me when I read this! It happened this weekend when H said he was leaving, needed space, will you do my chores in the morning. I did okay to start with, actually I was fine until he came back home, and even a few more hours after that, I totally understand the need to get away, I feel it too. Then I saw a picture of OW's place flash across on his screensaver and the knife he keeps stuck in my gut twisted again. Then his comment before he left 'you don't have to risk your freedom by looking for me at OW's place', it just infuriated me again. I didn't say anything to H, but I sure did withdraw after that, back into my own cave for safety/security/protection. blahblahblah, I'll start a new thread I suppose, I just don't know where I fit anymore. Maybe Hopefulness, because I am trying and hoping that I get me and my life in order, and yes I still hope that H will be an honest part of my future.
Keep that puzzle together. Sometimes a piece pops up when we squeeze the edges to hard, but we can nudge it back into place and the picture looks good again. You and J are an interlocking puzzle.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hopefulness I miss knowing how you are, so wherever you land, I'll be visiting. I understand you taking a break for awhile. Like I posted before, I sometimes feel like being on the BB feeds me focusing on our problems. But then when I'm away, I find I'm holding myself less accountable and not following through on doing what works. Spend awhile going down cheeseless tunnels and come right back!
How is your Mamma WCW? I hope the surgery went well. I've been sending up prayers for both of you. I'm also wondering about your treatment. I'm taking celexa and it's helped bunches but my hormones are still getting the best of me for about a week a month. During that week I wonder if I"m bipolar because nothing seems right.. then the world is full of sunshine again when in reality, nothing has changed but my frame of mind (hormones). I guess I've been this way a long time, but now that I actually admit I have moods (ahem!) and notice them, it's frustrating to be battling them. How I can go from being positive and energetic to a negative, whiny, b*tch overnight dumbfounds me. I'm going to have to ask the Dr when I go back in Feb if there is anything that I can do differently during that week. I've heard a lot of suggestions.. omega 3s, Vitamin B, etc, but I have no idea where to start. It also happens to be the week that I crave physical touch from J, but then I get down and do everything I can to push him away. Poor man.. he really deserves a gold star for putting up with me sometimes. I don't rant and rave, but I'm sure the change in my mood is hard to deal with.
Mom is doing great! just a week ago she had surgery to remove a marble size cyst from her vertebra, and she could stand up straight again and got all the feeling back in her legs and feet right away. The only pain now is recovering from the surgery. Total success. What a relief. Thanks for asking. Thanks for the prayers.
My treatments - acupuncture. I love it. It's more of an overall wellness plan for the body and mind. I am amazed how pain can be immediately dismissed. There is a special spot for emotions, and I swear by it. It mellows me (even if you can't tell by how I post here). It hasn't taken away totally the mood swings in pms, but I feel like I go thru them faster and more mellow, all those happy/sad/cry/anger/rage/tired in like one afternoon. I honestly was always very aware of pms moods, and IMO felt I did a good job of suppressing them. H might have a different opinion. I sleep now. I didn't used to sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours, lay awake the rest of the time. Now I almost always sleep easily 5 or 6 hours, and often more than that. What I worry is that it's become a crutch for me, I am at the phase now where I go just once a week....is it enough?
Give the man a gold star! in fact, give him 3 gold stars, strategically placed on the front of your body.
Keep inspiring us!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Things are about the same here. S7 and S4 had bdays yesterday. We had a great weekend with them. S20 came home and set up a wireless network in the house. I'm slowly getting more organized and J and I are working together on the finances. Slowly. I'm settling in to the pace of our progress and expected setbacks I think. J used to say that I lack the ability to relax. Again, he's been correct about that. Somewhere along the way I started forgetting to enjoy today for what it is and allow it to unfold. Then I did a total turn around and seemed to lack the ability to motivate myself. I'm glad for that. I've been relaxing and enjoying life lately. I'm becoming more motivated to do the things that count instead of trying to get everything accomplished. I was thinking this morning that our home is the most peaceful place on earth. I feel safe here and I feel loved. What a blessing after so much tension and unhappiness.
and followed your sitch. 
