Hi everyone Things are about the same here. S7 and S4 had bdays yesterday. We had a great weekend with them. S20 came home and set up a wireless network in the house. I'm slowly getting more organized and J and I are working together on the finances. Slowly. I'm settling in to the pace of our progress and expected setbacks I think. J used to say that I lack the ability to relax. Again, he's been correct about that. Somewhere along the way I started forgetting to enjoy today for what it is and allow it to unfold. Then I did a total turn around and seemed to lack the ability to motivate myself. I'm glad for that. I've been relaxing and enjoying life lately. I'm becoming more motivated to do the things that count instead of trying to get everything accomplished. I was thinking this morning that our home is the most peaceful place on earth. I feel safe here and I feel loved. What a blessing after so much tension and unhappiness.

I don't think I'll be posting on the board much in the future. We aren't entirely pieced, but that's OK. We're in a good place for us. I'll never be perfect or have an H that loves me perfectly, but he loves me with all his heart. Of that, I'm certain. We might always have a struggling SSM too, but our affection for each other is real and lasting. We've always shared love and affection. What we lacked was respect, understanding, patience and communication. If we do nothing else but appreciate what we have and keep talking, we'll make it. I'm feeling very very blessed. J and I have known each other half our lives and still consider the other the most important person in our life. We both still want our R to be better and are willing to work on it. We're opposites. We drive each other crazy, but we're family. The boards have helped me so much. I imagine I'll still stop by when we hit a rough spot and try to gain wisdom from other's that are posting and have been where we are. At this point, realizing almost 20 years have passed, I want to enjoy this man that God brought into my life. Stop sweating the small stuff and creating the moments that we'll look back on in our old age. I've learned how to give my best to our R and most that remains in putting that to practice. The days that I've awoke to focus on improving or fixing, are the days when our problems are front and center. I'm tired of living my life focused on our problems. They'll probably always be around in their own way, but the days that are focused on what we have are so so much more rewarding.

I've learned how to be me here To accept myself and not apologize for it, but to not cram my version of how our life should be down J's throat. I'm finding that his vision and mine complement each other, but are very different. I wanted us to be perfectly fit.. the same.. entwined. Not a great goal for a family. Better to be separate, equal and still connected. I tried for years to mold myself into the perfect wife, mother, woman so that J would love me. The farther I stray from that goal, the more he seems to love me. Interesting. Maybe that's how we get back to being the person our WAS loves. When they met us, we weren't the perfect anything that changed to fit into their life. What attracted J was my individuality, my spirit, and most of what I've tried to suppress to make him happy. In his ordered world, he needs me to shake him up a little, and I need his order tokeep me grounded when I'm "out there".

We still have much work to do on intimacy. I know it'll be a very slow process and for the first time, I'm looking forward to experiencing that. I've had to drop the rope on this and keep trying to pick it back up. When I let go and follow J on this, things are great, but when I think about it, push and think about what I want, we go backward. So, not much to be gained by posting, worrying, setting goals and trying to fix it. The more I let go of my vision of what intimacy, affection and love looks like in our R, the more intimate we're becoming. Yes, I've been controlling.. how could one person possibly define what an intimate, loving R looks like between two people? I can't and I won't. The love J gives me is sooo much more genuine and wonderful than I ever imagined when I accept it and stop comparing it to what I think it "should" look like. If it didn't measure up to the shoulds, I rejected it. And expected this man I've rejected to feel like coming forward and doing more in the way I wanted. Unfortunately, we've both been guilty of that and there's been a lot of rejection between us. We have many wounds to heal. I'm not sure if either of us will every feel completely comfortable again, but in the meantime, we're snuggling and talking. That's pretty much all we can manage without retreating into our shells. At least where we are we're not feeling pressured or worried about expectations so much. We're building trust.

So friends, it's time to go and see what happens and start living trust. Trust that each problem isnt going to bring another bomb and each argument isn't going to turn us cold. Trust that we can work together to raise our children and continue what we started 20 years ago. Time to shed that label that we have "problems" that we have to continually overcome. Yeah, most marriages have some, so maybe we can call ourselves a normal couple who has stumbled along the way and picked themselves up. We've been to hell the last couple of years and I do trust that neither of us want to go back there. We've seen what life is like without each other and choose not to go there. Our kids are much happier than they've been in a long time. We're going to get remarried and I truly don't regret the journey that's brought us to that.

I'll be back from time to time.. thanks for everyone's support. I'd have lost my mind over the last couple of years if not for the BB and people here.

God Bless!

Sheila