Happy New Year Sheila! I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I have been keeping up with your sitch. It really sounds good and it is definitely going in the right direction. Being patient and being calm is huge. This I am learning. I have always reacted to my emotions and then thought about the consequences later. This same thing holds true for your kids, we cannot control them. Just remain calm and worry about controlling yourself and everything will work out between you and J and your kids as well.
Hey Sheila. Can you stop by the D but not Done forum (where I am at now). There is a guy called printthis1. You may be able to answer him better than I. Thanks.
Do I hear wedding bells??? ringring.... wow woman, it just keeps getting better. Are we all invited? you better make it on Lookout Mountain or somewhere big enough for all of us!
That story about the DVD, suggestion vs control/not good enough, that hit a spot with me too, an ah hah moment. NYD we had hosted an event and one part didn't go like we thought it would. I asked H his opinion and what he thought, and when he actually stepped in and took over it was hard for me to step back and remember to just let him do it. We agreed we have to figure out a better way before the next event. Rare moments for us, felt good.
My mom will have surgery to remove a cyst in her lumbar area that has pinched off the flow of the nerves. My stepdad spent the last 2 days in the hospital and passed all the tests, no blockages, although he still has chest pains and takes nitro pills. I told him I think his pain is in part do to stress of being so worried about mom and having to take care of absolutely everything while she is laid up, he said "no, I'm tougher than that.' Baloney! He called 3 times today before I got her back home from her appointment.
Keep talking to us, good or bad, I'm listening and learning. Thanks.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hey everyone! Thanks for the congrats and replies I've been covered up at work after being off over the holidays and lazy at home. I'll make time to post, check in on everyone later tonight. Thanks
Things are going OK here. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed with all that's on the to-do-list, but not motivated to get right on the list! I'm experiencing feelings that are unfamiliar for me. Im generally outgoing, chatty and energetic, but lately I've felt quiet and a little withdrawn from people. It's not a bad feeling, just different. I'd call it a rut of sorts, but I'm not bored at all.
Grasshopper, if you're reading, I wonder if we're experiencing the same step in piecing that you and your W are going through. I'm not feeling clingy, or determined to draw closer to J. I had brief feelings of being not attracted to him also. I think my post about him saying inappropriate things in front of the kids was part of that. Finding things that I find unattractive about him. Do you think maybe we revisit that briefly before becoming more deeply committed to the R? Kind of a last fearful withdrawal because we know things will never be perfect and our S is still the same flawed person (as are we) that we married?
Anyway, I've been giving that some thought. It really bothered me that I wasnt feeling attracted to J. He says I've been guarded and he's right. You don't have to go far to find flaws in someone if you're trying to avoid intimacy and protect yourself! I'm allowing myself the space, but trying to concentrate on J's strengths.. his spirit. I've pressed for physical intimacy, but we want to build true intimacy with each other. He's done a great job at looking beyond the obvious and trying to connect with me on a deeper level. He's opening up after years of being shut down. So, that's where I am in the journey. Trying to see him for who he is, and not just who he is to me and our family. When I stay focused on that and try to let go of my "performance" expectations I feel much closer to him. I'm also finding that there are parts of him that I havent noticed or considered. Kinda like tasting a new food.. at first I dont necessarily like it and it's strange, but as I remain open to him, I'm starting to appreciate a side of him I havent known in a long time, if at all.
He's pretty much blowing my assumptions apart at this point. Again WCW.. what we focus on expands smart lady. I'm not having a hard time finding positives to focus on. We're right where we should be.. in a new R, relearning how to love.
Wanted to post this also. Last year at the height of my frustration at being the one trying to fix everything I read "Co-Dependent No More" Might need to give it another read. There was something in the book about overdoers and underdoers. Basically it said that R's are like a see saw and can get out of balance with one carrying all of the burden and the other not contributing. The advice was to drop the rope and stop doing as much.. detach. In response the underdoer would naturally start to carry more weight over time. I also wonder if this has anything to do with what we're experiencing. J is stepping up to do more and I'm doing less. I feel the downtime this creates and where I used to feel like I had to be constantly aware of our R and where it was, I can relax and be assured that he's helping to make the R work. Alot of the worries I had before are gone and along with that, the constant stress. So, maybe the "rut" is just normal? The drama is gone and there's nothing to replace that stimulus.
No I'm faced with focusing on my goals of getting organized and living life. It's hard to do that when my attention has been diverted by a crisis for two years. I'm finding I don't know how to approach the mundane like laundry, shopping, etc. I used to accomplish that as an after thought and now I find myself saying "I don't wanna do that so much.. must be something more interesting to do with my time!" Ugh..and I used to be such a good homemaker! Time to start getting back into good habit. I have the laundry finished (finally). And yeah, I know that might be small and boring to the rest of you, but I really feel it's part of getting back on track and piecing. At some point we might all be faced with reclaiming a normal life and not focusing so much time on our R's and whether we're constantly making progress. I always wonder if the process and steps are much the same for other couples and how they face each challenge that comes.
Quote: Grasshopper, if you're reading, I wonder if we're experiencing....
I am, and I don't know if we are having the same experience. Sadly (lol) for my, my attraction to my W has never waned. Not when I found out about OM, not now, not ever. I guess maybe that is still to come, I don't know.
I am glad to see you still going great. Keep up the good work!
Thanks I was wondering from you W's point of view maybe? I too could say that my attraction to J has never waned, which is why this has been confusing! We're a little different than some of the piecers in that J and I have both been the WAS during the last two years. I asked him to leave due to his destructive behavior, immediately regreted it and begged him to come back home. He refused and quickly found OW. When he did come home, I thought things would be better and totally failed to piece and asked him to leave again. This time he was the one who wanted to reconcile while I wasn't able to get past my anger. So.. we've both thrown in the towel, and I can identify with a WAS as much as a LBS much of the time.
I was thinking about your sitch and how things were going great. Communication was rocking and the physical R was picking up too, then it slowed again with your W making comments that she didnt think you've changed. It often helps me along the way to consider if something is typical to others who are piecing. It just makes it easier to believe this is a process and can keep moving forward through the difficulties. I was considering whether my reaction to our increased intimacy was kinda like your W's reaction to the improvements. I've had serious commitment issues in our R also and seem to run when things are bad, or things are extremely good. I'm conquering that demon though! I've pulled away some, but am determined to not let my fears convince me to find reasons it wont work.
I was wondering for you too.. if your W's reactions were more of her problem and not so much that you backslid a little. Not that you'd keep from getting back on track where you've let up a little, but maybe for you to consider that a S pulling away when things are going great might come from their own fears.. whatever they might be. For me it's def a fear of intimacy and J seeing how very flawed I am.. and fear of getting in deep again and being hurt.
I've been covered up at work after being off over the holidays and lazy at home. I'll make time to post, check in on everyone later tonight. Thanks 