Things are going OK here. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed with all that's on the to-do-list, but not motivated to get right on the list! I'm experiencing feelings that are unfamiliar for me. Im generally outgoing, chatty and energetic, but lately I've felt quiet and a little withdrawn from people. It's not a bad feeling, just different. I'd call it a rut of sorts, but I'm not bored at all.
Grasshopper, if you're reading, I wonder if we're experiencing the same step in piecing that you and your W are going through. I'm not feeling clingy, or determined to draw closer to J. I had brief feelings of being not attracted to him also. I think my post about him saying inappropriate things in front of the kids was part of that. Finding things that I find unattractive about him. Do you think maybe we revisit that briefly before becoming more deeply committed to the R? Kind of a last fearful withdrawal because we know things will never be perfect and our S is still the same flawed person (as are we) that we married?
Anyway, I've been giving that some thought. It really bothered me that I wasnt feeling attracted to J. He says I've been guarded and he's right. You don't have to go far to find flaws in someone if you're trying to avoid intimacy and protect yourself! I'm allowing myself the space, but trying to concentrate on J's strengths.. his spirit. I've pressed for physical intimacy, but we want to build true intimacy with each other. He's done a great job at looking beyond the obvious and trying to connect with me on a deeper level. He's opening up after years of being shut down. So, that's where I am in the journey. Trying to see him for who he is, and not just who he is to me and our family. When I stay focused on that and try to let go of my "performance" expectations I feel much closer to him. I'm also finding that there are parts of him that I havent noticed or considered. Kinda like tasting a new food.. at first I dont necessarily like it and it's strange, but as I remain open to him, I'm starting to appreciate a side of him I havent known in a long time, if at all.
He's pretty much blowing my assumptions apart at this point. Again WCW.. what we focus on expands smart lady. I'm not having a hard time finding positives to focus on. We're right where we should be.. in a new R, relearning how to love.
