Hi CL Thanks for your post and examples of what you're doing to influence your R and W positively. I think I stall out when it comes to influencing without opening my mouth! It's a foreign country to me and seeing how others are moving ahead helps. I'm very lucky that J is willing to work on the R and change with me. Going back to my nagging and controlling behavior is definately not going to get it done though.
Had a couple of things happen over the holidays that demonstrated just how much J digs his heals in when he thinks I'm being bossy or trying to point out that he's doing something wrong. He was going to put a DVD in for the boys and I suggested that he use their new portable players. He said "you do it if I'm not doing it right!" Hit me like a ton of bricks because it was just a suggestion and I didnt care, but I see how he thinks I second guess what he's doing or try to improve on it.
Last night me, J, and D12 were discussing the new year and resolutions. I asked if there are any habits or things they'd like to see me change. Things that I might not notice, but irritate them. It started a good conversation and we laughed about our flaws some. Turns out, I don't pick up my feet when I walk and say "you know what I mean?" too much. Then J threw one in for me. He said "I don't like it when you complain about something I do, and then turn around and do the exact same thing that you don't like" When we were discussing at the end of the convo and I said.. so I need to learn to pick up my feet, not say you know what I mean and... and D12 blurted "and not be a hypocrit!" Yup.. got blasted by the whole dang family.. S20 said much the same at Thanksgiving when we had an argument. I told him something he did to his sister was selfish and he said "it's OK for you to do stuff like that, but if I do it, it's a big deal"
It seems I expect perfection of my family in a way that I don't expect from myself. J and I had a good talk after the kids went to bed last night. We have common goals for our life and our family. We discussed sharing of responsibilities. That's a big success for us as it's not a topic that we've talked about in the past without it turning into an argument. Me saying I do everything and J not wanting to commit to being responsible for any certain thing. Maybe a part of that is because he hasn't felt he's lived up to my expectations of how things should be done.
We also discussed parenting and how to teach our kids values. Ironically, we talked a lot about leading by example and us doing the right things instead of just telling the kids the right things to do.
Looks like my first goal in the new year is to get my act together and continue changing myself for the better. Take the log out of my eye and be an example for my family. I feel so very blessed to have a family that loves me and supports me. Being able to be honest about my shortcomings and still be loved and supported is more than I expected.
So CL, are we partners. That's a fabulous question! Makes me realize that's the whole point of this, huh? A partnership.. together. Not a competition or my way against J's.
Your post does stimulate ideas. We have some of the same issues as you and your W. The physical R, the finances, and the bad habits.
We've had a couple of good discussions about intimacy. We're not there yet, but starting a dialogue. J has shown interest in meeting my needs and being open to work on this. I'm in a state of insecurity and fear here it seems. All these years I've craved a healthy intimacy and physical R with him and knowing he's willing to meet me halfway scares the heck out of me! Positive is that he understands how rejected I've felt, and I can see how I'm not even to jump right in full force right now. I'm learning that I need to feel nurtured, secure and accepted and so does he. It started out about sex and needs, but it's way more than that for both of us. I wonder if any of us realize how fragile we are when we start piecing? Once the decision is made we expect to pick up where we left off... or for things to look great overnight. It's true that we sometimes get a honeymoon stage, but the real healing might take much longer. Just feeling insecure and vulnerable myself is helping me to be patient with J and his feelings of vulnerability, guilt, failure, etc. I hope once we learn to know each other and REALLY care and love that the physical will follow naturally without it being a battle of his needs/her needs.
Finances.. ugh. You bet it's an issue! He keeps saying he wants to learn how to manage our finances with me and I'll admit to disbelief and eye rolling on my part. I expect him to know how to manage finances, and need to back up there. He honestly doesnt. His parents didnt teach him a thing about money management and I think he's embarrassed about that. I manage finances for a living, so here again I have to wonder if my expectations or facing my criticism is the issue. We'll be talking and working our family budget over the next week. Time for me to open my mind and be patient... listen and consider his ideas. I've had control over that area of our life and as much as I've resented it, it'll be hard to give up control.
Sorry for the long post! Things are moving ahead positivel still. It's like waiting for Thanksgiving dinner, and then not knowing where in the heck I'm gonna put it all
Thanks for your post and examples of what you're doing to influence your R and W positively. I think I stall out when it comes to influencing without opening my mouth! It's a foreign country to me and seeing how others are moving ahead helps. I'm very lucky that J is willing to work on the R and change with me. Going back to my nagging and controlling behavior is definately not going to get it done though. 
