Piglet, I'm working on a similar problem--how to influence the other partner to work on problems together (the name of my thread). You said that you're trying to not to set out to create the goal of being right, but to create change. The thing is, on certain issues you may be right, and he needs to get on the same page with you. The skill to be learned, is how to influence him in a positive way, so that he is willing to be a partner in solving problems.
In the sexual area, I've reviewed DVD's, talked with a therapist, been more willing to say yes, and have added more recreation to my life. The result is a sexual frequency increase to almost weekly.
Are we partners yet? The next step is to increase the amount of sexual discussion. How does this happen? I'm still figuring it out, as I'm working thru inhibitions.
She hasn't quit smoking yet. I believe that I've had a positive influence in this area. I've read books on changing harmful habits, and attended addiction recovery meetings. Are we partners yet? I think so. I've learned to refrain from nagging, accept this as a problem to help solve, listen and offer advice when it's solicited, and remind her of addictin recovery meetings, and offer to attend with her.
On the topic of money. She uses her credit card as cash, thereby not paying down her balance. She gets stressed if I want to discuss the topic. She feels guilty that she is not making more money at this time.
Are we partners on this topic? Not yet. How do we get there? I would love to take more control of the finances, and take her credit card away from her. This would have negative repercussions on the R. I tell her my position that easy fixes of raiding the 401K or home equity are solutions I'm not comfortable with. I'm going to lead by example and get a PT job to earn some fun money, and give most of it to her. If we reduce her stress around money, than I think we can have conversations around this issue, and move toward partnership.
Are these examples helpful? Do they stimulate any ideas?
I think my role is to accept where the partner is in their ability and willingness to address certain issues, have realistic expectations of what they can do to help solve the problems, accept my role in the problem and do what I can to solve the problem, and practice positive communication. If your partner isn't yet where you want him to be--assess why not and, check to see if you're being judgmental of him or yourself, make adjustments in expectations, your contribution to solving the problem, or adjustments in how you communicate.
Concerned_Listener
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
