Sheila, I think all of these issues are kind of nit-picky, if you must know. I'm sure they're annoying as h*ll, don't get me wrong, but do you want to be right or happy?
That's just how I see it from the outside looking in, nothing life-threatening, etc. so just let it go. Of course I don't know everything, far from it, but I could see you coming across as a nag/mother, etc if you pick a battle with each of these issues. Not a hill to die on. JMO.
Hope your Christmas is a happy one.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi Believing Yes, the issues are nit picky, so I haven't said anything about the examples I gave. The goal isn't for me to be right, but to find a way to communicate on general issues without nagging or nit-picking because I agree, it's annoying! I did feel awful when I asked him to not say those words in front of the kids, because it was something a mother would do, and I don't wanna be my H's mom.
I think I was looking for advice from piecers who've found a way to address practial issues of everyday life and do it positively. We have to be on the same sheet of music raising our children. I don't think using foul language and making crude references in front of them is a small issue, but even that's not entirely what I'm getting at. I've had a real problem with being controlling and mothering with J. So now I'm trying to not swing the other way and sweep things under the carpet when they need to be addressed just because I'm paranoid that he'll interpret it as controlling. Shouldnt there be a happy medium in a partnership at some point? These aren't deal breakers for me, so there's time to see what evolves and what creates a positive. Was looking for suggestions from the board on how to not set out with the goal to be right, but to create change.
I dunno, things are going great for us right now. It might be time to stop posting. I'm sure you're not the only one who read my post and think I'm complaining about a small thing when others are struggling to save their M. I've been there and know how hard that is. I'd like to continue to take positive steps to create a great R, not stop at being content that we're together. We still have so many issues and backslides are inevitable, but for the most part, I guess we're "pieced"
Gosh, don't quit posting b/c of me! yikes! sorry if I misinterpreted your request. I'm definitely in no place to advise you on the small stuff, as I'm still drowning in my bigger picture. I apologize for the poorly placed 2x4!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
No no no.. I'd never let anyone's comments run me off of the board.. no apologies necessary, at all! It's just that you're right about the small stuff, and maybe this isnt the best place to get advice on moving forward with the every day stuff.
Or maybe it's just a slow time with Christmas and the experienced piecers will chime in when they get a chance. There is SO much more to making a marriage work than the initial piecing hurdle we all face. Putting it completely back together, little by little over the long haul takes patience and thought. People seem to leave the BB long before that's completed. Unfortunately, we've pieced that way before, took the change for granted and ended up here. So yeah, I'm gonna nitpick, worry, and make sure I'm making ALL the changes and keeping them up this time.
Thanks believing.. I didnt take your comments as bad in any way.. just food for thought as to what BB and who's had experience past this stage of the process.
Have a very Merry Christmas and God Bless everyone who is still standing for their M.
Piglet, I'm working on a similar problem--how to influence the other partner to work on problems together (the name of my thread). You said that you're trying to not to set out to create the goal of being right, but to create change. The thing is, on certain issues you may be right, and he needs to get on the same page with you. The skill to be learned, is how to influence him in a positive way, so that he is willing to be a partner in solving problems.
In the sexual area, I've reviewed DVD's, talked with a therapist, been more willing to say yes, and have added more recreation to my life. The result is a sexual frequency increase to almost weekly.
Are we partners yet? The next step is to increase the amount of sexual discussion. How does this happen? I'm still figuring it out, as I'm working thru inhibitions.
She hasn't quit smoking yet. I believe that I've had a positive influence in this area. I've read books on changing harmful habits, and attended addiction recovery meetings. Are we partners yet? I think so. I've learned to refrain from nagging, accept this as a problem to help solve, listen and offer advice when it's solicited, and remind her of addictin recovery meetings, and offer to attend with her.
On the topic of money. She uses her credit card as cash, thereby not paying down her balance. She gets stressed if I want to discuss the topic. She feels guilty that she is not making more money at this time.
Are we partners on this topic? Not yet. How do we get there? I would love to take more control of the finances, and take her credit card away from her. This would have negative repercussions on the R. I tell her my position that easy fixes of raiding the 401K or home equity are solutions I'm not comfortable with. I'm going to lead by example and get a PT job to earn some fun money, and give most of it to her. If we reduce her stress around money, than I think we can have conversations around this issue, and move toward partnership.
Are these examples helpful? Do they stimulate any ideas?
I think my role is to accept where the partner is in their ability and willingness to address certain issues, have realistic expectations of what they can do to help solve the problems, accept my role in the problem and do what I can to solve the problem, and practice positive communication. If your partner isn't yet where you want him to be--assess why not and, check to see if you're being judgmental of him or yourself, make adjustments in expectations, your contribution to solving the problem, or adjustments in how you communicate.
Concerned_Listener
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Sheila (Piglet with the pink ears), stay steady when the waves are rolling and stay strong when the trees are bending. You can do it girl, J has his bets on you!
Keep your chin up, and your eyes on the horizon.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi CL Thanks for your post and examples of what you're doing to influence your R and W positively. I think I stall out when it comes to influencing without opening my mouth! It's a foreign country to me and seeing how others are moving ahead helps. I'm very lucky that J is willing to work on the R and change with me. Going back to my nagging and controlling behavior is definately not going to get it done though.
Had a couple of things happen over the holidays that demonstrated just how much J digs his heals in when he thinks I'm being bossy or trying to point out that he's doing something wrong. He was going to put a DVD in for the boys and I suggested that he use their new portable players. He said "you do it if I'm not doing it right!" Hit me like a ton of bricks because it was just a suggestion and I didnt care, but I see how he thinks I second guess what he's doing or try to improve on it.
Last night me, J, and D12 were discussing the new year and resolutions. I asked if there are any habits or things they'd like to see me change. Things that I might not notice, but irritate them. It started a good conversation and we laughed about our flaws some. Turns out, I don't pick up my feet when I walk and say "you know what I mean?" too much. Then J threw one in for me. He said "I don't like it when you complain about something I do, and then turn around and do the exact same thing that you don't like" When we were discussing at the end of the convo and I said.. so I need to learn to pick up my feet, not say you know what I mean and... and D12 blurted "and not be a hypocrit!" Yup.. got blasted by the whole dang family.. S20 said much the same at Thanksgiving when we had an argument. I told him something he did to his sister was selfish and he said "it's OK for you to do stuff like that, but if I do it, it's a big deal"
It seems I expect perfection of my family in a way that I don't expect from myself. J and I had a good talk after the kids went to bed last night. We have common goals for our life and our family. We discussed sharing of responsibilities. That's a big success for us as it's not a topic that we've talked about in the past without it turning into an argument. Me saying I do everything and J not wanting to commit to being responsible for any certain thing. Maybe a part of that is because he hasn't felt he's lived up to my expectations of how things should be done.
We also discussed parenting and how to teach our kids values. Ironically, we talked a lot about leading by example and us doing the right things instead of just telling the kids the right things to do.
Looks like my first goal in the new year is to get my act together and continue changing myself for the better. Take the log out of my eye and be an example for my family. I feel so very blessed to have a family that loves me and supports me. Being able to be honest about my shortcomings and still be loved and supported is more than I expected.
So CL, are we partners. That's a fabulous question! Makes me realize that's the whole point of this, huh? A partnership.. together. Not a competition or my way against J's.
Your post does stimulate ideas. We have some of the same issues as you and your W. The physical R, the finances, and the bad habits.
We've had a couple of good discussions about intimacy. We're not there yet, but starting a dialogue. J has shown interest in meeting my needs and being open to work on this. I'm in a state of insecurity and fear here it seems. All these years I've craved a healthy intimacy and physical R with him and knowing he's willing to meet me halfway scares the heck out of me! Positive is that he understands how rejected I've felt, and I can see how I'm not even to jump right in full force right now. I'm learning that I need to feel nurtured, secure and accepted and so does he. It started out about sex and needs, but it's way more than that for both of us. I wonder if any of us realize how fragile we are when we start piecing? Once the decision is made we expect to pick up where we left off... or for things to look great overnight. It's true that we sometimes get a honeymoon stage, but the real healing might take much longer. Just feeling insecure and vulnerable myself is helping me to be patient with J and his feelings of vulnerability, guilt, failure, etc. I hope once we learn to know each other and REALLY care and love that the physical will follow naturally without it being a battle of his needs/her needs.
Finances.. ugh. You bet it's an issue! He keeps saying he wants to learn how to manage our finances with me and I'll admit to disbelief and eye rolling on my part. I expect him to know how to manage finances, and need to back up there. He honestly doesnt. His parents didnt teach him a thing about money management and I think he's embarrassed about that. I manage finances for a living, so here again I have to wonder if my expectations or facing my criticism is the issue. We'll be talking and working our family budget over the next week. Time for me to open my mind and be patient... listen and consider his ideas. I've had control over that area of our life and as much as I've resented it, it'll be hard to give up control.
Sorry for the long post! Things are moving ahead positivel still. It's like waiting for Thanksgiving dinner, and then not knowing where in the heck I'm gonna put it all
Thanks hon You're support means so much! J really is a prince. It's a shame that my anger and distrust overshadowed the good for so long.
J gave me a ring for Christmas! H asked me on bended knee in front of the kids to marry him again. I said "YES!" of course! When me and the kids went to visit my Mom, she was thrilled too. She kept saying how much he loves me and what a good heart he has. I look back to our past and can't excuse how much he's hurt me, but I do see how most of the hurt was caused by weakness, and not from spite or not caring. She also said that I might as well marry him because I'll never love anyone else. Very wise and I agree. No use fighting it!
I visited your thread last night, but it was locked. I hope the new year is good to you How is your Mom? I'm sorry 2006 ended with such struggles for you, and I pray that 2007 will bring much love and peace into your life. Happy New Year WCW!
And the communication between you and J – awesome.
Keep doing what you are doing. As one who knows first hand about being controlling, you are doing great. You are aware and that is half the battle. Let J do it on his own. The training wheels are off the bike so let him ride and even fall on his own. That will further enhance the trust and respect and that is all important as you know.
Have a happy New Year. I started a new thread should you choose to harass me.
Goal for 2007: find me another potential dancing partner – Piglet is getting hitched!
Yes, the issues are nit picky, so I haven't said anything about the examples I gave. The goal isn't for me to be right, but to find a way to communicate on general issues without nagging or nit-picking because I agree, it's annoying! I did feel awful when I asked him to not say those words in front of the kids, because it was something a mother would do, and I don't wanna be my H's mom. 
