Things are going good here. J and I have been really close this week and the communication is getting better. I'm starting to think that I need to go back to the Dr. and ask for a med change. My negative moods pretty much coincide with my cyle and after that's over, I'm back to being positive and happy again regardless of what's going on in our R. J is seeing that pattern too. So, it's off to the Dr. in the new year to see if there's something that'll help. It's sad that it's taken me this long to realize that, but I've never dealt with PMS mood swings. All these years I thought PMS jokes were a myth!

Good things are happening here. J has changed so much, it's unbelievable. Even S20 commented the other night that he finally has a relationship with his Dad. We're going into the new year on an upswing

I'm trying not to focus so much on our R still, but notice J as an individual with needs. That's helping. he's still suffering with his back pain and I'm trying to be as supportive with that as I can. We've had some physical "moments" in spite of it and that's helping me to feel close and connected to him.

I think OT is the one who posts about direct communication? Great advice! I feel sometimes like I should be on the SSM board because it's such an issue with me. J has encouraged me to speak up and tell him what I need, so I've been doing that. Yesterday I was just in the mood and my mind was wandering I'm inclined to become negative and stuff the thoughts, but instead I called him and said "I'm in the mood to do something racy!" I think it took him off guard, but he played along Last night I was feeling flirty and decided to go with it. He was wrapping presents and I know he has bought jewelry of some kind, so I flashed him a little, made innuendos of how I'd reward him if I could have my present early. It was sooo much fun to flirt with him. By the time we went to bed, we were both tired, but still had a moment together. Was nice.. and this morning he called and mentioned it and did some flirting of his own.
So, OT.. thanks for the great advice!! J responds well to me just stating what I need and being confident with it. We probably won't be ML, but our need for intimacy is being satisfied and we're getting closer.

Need to post some new year goals for myself for GAL. Back to the gym for sure! I havent gained weight, but I'm getting out of shape. And, I've noticed that I'm not as organized as I used to be. It's getting on my nerves because I've let things go around here. I think it traces back to something the C mentioned to me. She said that I'm overly motivated by negative reinforcement and need to find a way to motivate myself by setting goals for me. She's right. J is getting his OCD under control and without him being passive agressive about the house being organized, I've relaxed more than I'm comfortable with. He talked to my boss on the phone last night (who happens to also have OCD), and they were laughing about how hard I have it "living" with two anal retentive guys. The thing is.. both of them are overcoming their control/OCD probs and they are two people who have motivated me to have it together.. in order to please them I guess. So, at work, I've kinda dropped the ball too. Thank God my boss is my best friend and understands. Time for Sheila to set some goals and get organized for herself for a change! I downloaded a life goals challenge program months ago and am going to start working with that daily.. keep my planner by my side and see if I can tame my free spirt a little

Hope the holidays bring my friends on the board peace and love We had a great sermon at church Sunday about the what a gift Christ is to the world and what it means. It means freedom from our sins and mistakes. J was so touched that he took me to the alter to pray. I cried the whole time. Our pastor said it's important for us all to accept that gift, ask for forgiveness, do what we can to make it better and walk away free with our head held high so we're able to make ourselves available for God to work his will through us. J has held his head up since then. He's had many people over the last year talk to him about forgiving himself and letting the guilt go so he can move on. I think he's finally there What an amazing Christmas gift!! So my friends, if you are burdened, beating yourself up for past mistakes, there's a way out from under that. If you're a praying person, get on your knees, ask for forgiveness, do your best to make it better and accept that you can walk into the new year free from the past. God has already forgotten and forgiven and he loves us!

Sheila