Living One Day at a Time

[Burgbud]

Hey Sheila!

I was going thru your previous thread and something jumped out at me so I'm dragging it over here:

I guess he senses how I feel because he keeps saying I'm quiet, and he's right. He asks if anything is wrong, but what can I say? I've told him that I'm a little blue, and did say that it's hard to admit that we'll be dealing with this long term. That's all I can say though. I don't want to pile anything on him that I don't have to or that might make him feel guilty.

Normally I make my disclaimers as I go, but I feel very strongly about this so I'm going to word it strongly and make the disclaimer up front: what follows is only my opinion and certainly not anything I know for sure. Having said that...

ACK! Stop it! Especially given the other issues in your R (OCD, for example), you guys have got to get straight whose business is whom's, and you'll continue to struggle with intimacy as long as you can't reveal your true self. You wrote: "He asks if anything is wrong, but what can I say?" He's a grown man, Sheila, what you can say is the whole truth. I don't hear you blaming him; if you were, that would be your business to work on. Instead, I hear you describing your feelings. You get to feel however you feel. He doesn't get to take responsibility for that. You worry that he will, in fact, take responsibility for your feelings so you withhold them. You can't do that. You're denying him an important part of you and if he actually would feel responsible for your feelings, you're denying him the opportunity to learn and grow and heal by realizing that you're responsible for your feelings and not him.

I know his OCD plays into this so maybe you could talk to his counselor or some other counselor. I know he's a worrier. I wonder, though...if you told him exactly what you're feeling, at least he'd know what to worry about (if he can't prevent himself from feeling responsible). If you pussyfoot around it and he senses that, then he has to worry about *everything*. Every move he makes he could be thinking, "is this the thing that sets her off and makes her sad?" That's a lot for a worrier to deal with. Also, if you tell him, "Sometimes I think about how much effort this R takes and how much we still have to get thru before we can even begin to work on other problems and I feel a little overwhelmed and sad," it gives him the opportunity to respond, "I know. I feel that way sometimes, too. Sometimes I don't know if we'll make it. But I know I won't quit trying." BOOM! A shared moment. Intimacy.

Back to "... but what can I say?" Here's my suggestion:

J: "You've been quiet lately. Is anything wrong?"

S: "You're right, I have been quiet. I've been thinking about how there are some issues that are very important to me that we won't even get to start addressing until a lot of our other issues get solved. It takes so long. I'm not complaining or even saying it's unfair, it's just that accepting that fact leaves me...resolved that it's out of my hands, and that I wish it was different. So I've been a little down"

J: "I know. I'm sorry I'm this way and that I cause you so much trouble. I want to make you happy and I'm trying so hard. Please bear with me."

S: "J, listen to me, baby. I didn't say it was your fault. I didn't say I wanted you to change what you're doing. I just told you how I feel and dealing with that is my business. Can you love me even if I'm sad sometimes? Can you give me enough respect to allow me to handle my feelings? Because I want to give you enough to respect to be able to tell you how I feel without worrying that you're going to make it your fault. Can you trust me enough to believe that if I have an actual problem with your behavior, if there's something I want you to change, I'll come out and tell you directly? And that if I just tell you how I feel, whether good or bad, it's because I want you to know me so we can be closer?"

And then...maybe he can or maybe he can't or maybe he won't or maybe he can work on it. Saving him from your feelings is mothering him, determining for a grown man what he can and can't handle. Most importantly, it's *not giving him a chance* to show you what he's capable of. Besides, whatever you withhold makes you separate.

Of course, if he asks you what's wrong and all you can think of is, "You're making me miserable!" then, you know, don't say anything. Tell him you're processing some stuff and you promise you'll talk about it when you have a handle on things. When you do get a handle on things, tell him exactly what you were thinking, including the blaming him part, and how you worked it out in your mind.


The thought of having that with him, losing it, and going through h*ll again is very scary. I was so hurt last year that at times I didnt know if I wanted to live.

Ah, fear! An opportunity for growth. Doesn't growth completely suck a monkey?

So what you really need is more self-confidence. Confidence enough to know that if the worst comes to pass again, that you can make it thru again. Confidence that can come from knowing that as painful as last year was, you've learned a lot and continue to work on yourself and you can face hell and defeat it one more time if you have to. Not that I'd wish that on anybody (well, I could probably come up with a couple of folks if I had to ). The point being, there's nothing he can do to reassure you. You have to look inside, believe in yourself, and revel in the inner strength you possess that allows you put yourself out there. Again.

And it might help to remember that if his issues reappear and foul things up, it's not personal to you!! You have to be healthy enough to make that distinction.

Just to make this post even longer, let me give you an example of what I'm talking about. I recently came to a realization. When S and I were in the latter stages of dating she kept breaking up with me. She wanted to be free to date other people, etc. She couched it with phrases like, "We have this great love but we're just not meant to be." That didn't make any sense to me, but if I'd been healthy, I'd have simply let her make her choice. My self-esteem, however, wasn't up to the challenge. So I was clingy and guilt-trippy and would eventually wheedle her back (her coming back is her issue, my wheedling is mine). So the point is, if I had been healthy, I would have let her go. Being healthy would have cost me what I wanted. And that sucks an additional monkey! Being unhealthy, though, just got me into a turbulent relationship with another unhealthy person.

You gotta learn to be healthy, deal with your business and let him deal with his. No matter what. If you overcompensate because of his OCD...then you're both unhealthy. Learn to be healthy, even if it costs you something you want. J is on the right track and with a bit of luck, it won't ever come to that.

So, that's it. Easy stuff. Like falling off a log.