Yesterday was a good day for us. J was in an irritable mood when I talked to him during the day. His leg is really hurting him alot. I gave him a foot and back massage because he was tired and hurting when he got home and that helped his mood He didn't want to take his pain meds because they make him loopy, so we talked about that for a bit and about him putting his health first. He said he didnt want to come home and crash every day. He did take his meds, and we had a good dinner with the kids. He gets so stressed in the afternoons coming home from work. He's always been that way.. the transition is hard for him. It seems he comes home and chews us out and by the time he's relaxed, the rest of us are ticked off. Trying to help him find a way to manage that. I think he doesnt believe it's OK for him to come home and take time for himself to unwind. I'm hoping if I encourage that, he'll see that it's OK and he needs it.

After the kids went to bed I asked if he wanted to go and snuggle. He said, yes I was surprised at how I felt. We laid in bed for about an hour touching and talking and being close. It was nice, but almost too intimate. Does that make sense to any of the other piecers? When we're ML I can focus on what's going on, but when you're just being physically close, it's hard to check out of that mentally at all. I'm still very afraid of being hurt again. One of the big issues I've carried from our crisis is that our R was great for four years after we divorced and then all fell apart. I was crazy, madly in love with J and had to put a lot behind me to feel that way for him again. The thought of having that with him, losing it, and going through h*ll again is very scary. I was so hurt last year that at times I didnt know if I wanted to live. I wasnt suicidal, but it was very painful to face each day.

Anyway, things are good.. it's going to take time to trust and be fearless again. I love J so much... it's definately worth the struggle, and it's getting better.

Sheila