Good questions. I wouldnt say our problem is primarily physical intimacy, but not having a good physical R causes much disappointment and frustration for me. For years I thought it must be a symptom of our R problems and that if I could just fix what I was doing wrong, we'd be more intimate emotionally and physically. While that's true to an extent - anger and controlling behavior definately kills that - the other part of the problem is that J and I approach intimacy and love differently. It's hard for me to explain and him to understand that it's not the physical act of lovemaking, but having a strong and ongoing physical/intimate R that is so important to me. It becomes almost an insult when I feel ignored and then every two weeks we ML and that's supposed to fix the problem because the physical urge is satisfied. I'm talking more about sharing my sexuality and expressing my love to him one on one and feeling comfortable sharing that part of myself and knowing that part of him too.
I've let this impact my self esteem over the years and ignored my sexuality. He asks me what does success look like and I can't tell him exactly because I don't know what a satisfying physical/sexual R is for me. It'd probably just involve some one on one time every day and physical closeness of some sort and not necessarily ML. I could say I'd like it 4 days a week, but with kids and schedules that's way unrealistic for either of us to maintain. Maybe I just want to be seen and heard on this issue? I do realize a part of this is because I want to feel desireable and I'm working very hard on that. To BE desirable and own that within myself. The next step may be for me to continually express that and share that without fear and see what happens.
We have other issues. Before the bomb, J basically checked out of the R emotionally. He was irritable, distant and cold.. we didnt communicate well, and when we did, it ended in an argument. A lot of our probs deal with the sharing of responsibilities too. I see him as a passive participant and unwilling to step up and take responsibility or charge of much. He has told a lot of lies over the years and been financially irresponsible, so there are trust issues as well. That is getting better. And, he acknowledges the problems in a way that he hasn't before, so that's a baby step. I'm also realizing my contribution to the R probs, and for my stubborn a**, that's amazing! I've pretty much been a self righteous B for years.. with all the answers of course.. the victim of his insensitivity and irresponsibility. Attractive, huh?
We're getting there.. I need to focus heartily on that and learn to have faith in the baby steps.
You said that things are good once they get going in the bedroom. We have the same dynamic here. It frustrates me to always initiate, but perhaps I should set that aside and keep initiating? Do you think that more ongoing contact could awake the desire to the point that he might start craving or intiating too? He keeps saying he WANTS to be physically close to me, but it's not the priority. Sometimes he sets it aside because he thinks it's a bad time, I'm tired, etc and decides to wait until later and the next thing we know, weeks have passed.
He did ask me this afternoon if I thought taking some time every evening before bed to be close in "some" way physically would help. We're going to try that and see where it goes and if it satisfies my need for physical touch. And we talked about responsibilities also for a bit. His C told him last month that he can't expect me to carry the burden for him and that he has to be willing to accept responsibility for something around here. Basically, I'm not his momma, so stop acting like it. It's like he'll do what I ask, or ask me how he can help, but won't just see what needs to be done and get it done. I have a constant running list of things that's overwhelming and a partner i can't hand any of it off too and be sure he'll come through for us. Even little things like asking him to check the air in my tires.. well, he'll say he'll do it, but the follow through isnt there. I do the finances, decide what we eat, laundry, maintain our schedule, etc and he helps, but doesnt take charge. Anyway, we talked and he said we'd talk about distributing responsibilities some. I know this is scary for him. He has anxiety issues and can't overload himself, but even just a small step to take charge of something on a regular basis would be great. I'd like not to worry about every single detail of our lives every single day.
