I've bounced around the boards over the last year and a half after the bomb. We are piecing (again) and I could use support and advice from others who are piecing. It's such a roller coaster! I struggle with my attitude and efforts to keep moving forward and consistently do what works. Here are the stats:
M - 39 H (J) - 41 4 kids - S20, D12, S6, S3 Together 19 years. We D'd 6 years ago, but reconciled a year later, didnt remarry. Had 4 great years until H went into major depression, the bomb dropped in April 05, and we separated. He's been back home for almost 3 months. There was an OW involved and I focused that 24/7 last year. I've realized that was nothing to him and short lived, but it was a major blow to my self esteem. My anger, resentment, and impatience led to our last separation. The time apart helped me and H to heal and realize that we love each other and want our R to work. We're committed to keeping our family together, so this is it... for better or worse.
I'm having a hard time staying focused on my goals this week. J has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and OCD. The diagnosis was a relief in a way because now we understand what led to many of the things he's been through, but in another, it's hard because he'll likely deal with this for the rest of his life. Part of me being with him is going to be accepting that part of him and being patient and supportive. I've been controlling, angry and impatient. I've changed that behavior a lot, but still struggle with the disappointment of not getting what I want from the R.. my expectations raise their ugly head and my attitude goes to h*ll.
DB has helped me set some goals and discover things that work for us (unless I'm backsliding!). Things will be going along great, and them my Taker wakes up and starts asking why I have to make such an effort.. why J isnt "doing this" or "that" too. That's basically where I've been this week and I need to snap out of it!
The things that work are:
1. Keeping a PMA and Acting As If. When I'm smiling and happy, our R works much better. J is more positive and happy too. 2. Communicating directly what I need from him without nagging. Sharing my feelings without blaming. 3. Maintaining my GAL and taking good care of myself. 4. Being loving with my words and actions. 5. Not mothering him or trying to fix his problems, but listening and validating his feelings. This is a big one. 6. Not allowing his moods and OCD to affect my attitude. Realizing it's not about me and not responding to his passive agressiveness. 8. Initiating physical contact when I need it and accepting it when he offers it. Doing things that make me feel attractive and sexy and being that person regardless if he notices or not. 9. Being a good mother. He makes a lot of comments about what a great Mom I am and how much I love our children. He's said that he craves for himself the unconditional love and acceptance that I give them.
Things were great between us until last weekend. We have been communicating better and getting physically closer. We're doing some remodeling/redecorating and J was irritable. The house being torn apart makes him anxious and his OCD goes into high gear. This leads to him being short with everyone and passively communicating his irritablitely and unhappiness as if it's our fault. Drives me nuts. He makes comments and then swears nothing is wrong when we ask.
On Mon we had a long talk and he told me that his plate is full right now and he's struggling. He has stenosis and arthritis in his back and has been going for epidurals. He's afraid that he'll have to have surgery to fix the problem and although he had one 7 years ago that was successful, he's afraid another wouldn't go so smoothly. He has nerve pain radiating down his leg that he's dealing with daily. His mental health and his back are as much as he can deal with and both impact his attitude too. I was so happy that he shared that with me because in the past he would clam up and not talk. He hides things or lies, so talking openly is a big positive! OTOH, the convo left me sad because our "issues" will take a back seat right now, understandably. He needs to take care of himself and needs my support in that. This puts us on-hold with seeking MC.. something I agree has to wait, but am not thrilled about.
I feel like we've stalled out and I'm sad about that. But, I also know my attitude plays a big part in that too. We don't have to be stalled out unless I stop consistently doing what works because I do see baby steps forward when I'm thinking positively and contributing good things into the R. I guess I'm feeling cheated and sorry for myself. It occurred to me this week that I'm on the verge of having a mature R where everything isnt perfect and like a fairy tale if I'll accept that!
I've been quiet and detached this week. Trying to work through my disappointment and get back to a good place. J has noticed and asked me several times if I'm OK. Our physical R isnt the best and that's a biggie to me. My LL is physical touch. J doesnt need that as much, but has been trying. We can't ML when he's in pain of course and I'm having a pity party about that too! We have a history of me being HD, him LD. When we're not affectionate, I get into a funk. I start feeling rejected, undesirable and unloved. I've learned that a lot of that has to do with my attitude, but it's hard to maintain. If I'm acting desirable and approach him for affection he responds positively, but then I go back to wanting him to want it as much as me and being disappointed when he doesnt.
This is long, and there is much more. I guess I just need to get out of my funk and be consistent. I've been distant and cold to J and that's not helping things. Sometimes I think I should just accept that we can live together and be co-parents without having a strong, intimate personal R, but that not going to make either of us happy either.
So, today, I'm going to stop pushing him away and try to be positive and act as if. There's a lot to get done here before the holidays too. If I can keep a positive momentum going and be patient while J is dealing with his issues, we'll likely get to better places in the new year.
Ideas, advice, etc would be much appreciated!! Thanks for listening!
