NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Hi Stilltryin - thanks!!

Good point on the yogurt! I've been having salad with cottage cheese for lunch but I forgot about yogurt and heartburn. I only have one diet soda a day but may need to give it up... I recently heard it's bad for calcium absorption too.

You'll get those compliments one day, I know it!! Wish I could introduce you to H's flirty guy friends, they are all about the compliments.. But good guys and would never act on it or hurt each other.

You didn't sound harsh and thank you for the reminder that he feels "out of love" with me. I know it sounds silly but I keep forgetting that. I mean I can type it here but in my head I think "I know he still loves me, look how he acts!" but you're right. He at worst doesn't love me or at best isn't sure. Ouch, but true. I probably need more reminders even if it hurts.

Do you think the acting "as if" we'll be together after the S is pressuring?? I was reading Pipeliner's Wife's (think that's her name?) threads earlier and it seemed to really work for her. It's sure easier to do than thinking "this is it" and it seems to kind of work for my H, but I don't want him to feel pressured.

I forgot to mention ... when I packed up the Christmas stuff I packed our ornaments and stockings in separate boxes, one of my "as if we're separating" moments. I didn't make a big deal out of it, just did it. He asked about the extra box when he put away the Christmas stuff and I said "Oh I just packed our stuff in different boxes just in case.. no big deal." He was so funny about it.. said "That must have really hurt, you didn't have to do that" and I was really casual, just said "Nah no biggie, I think we'll be fine but just in case I thought it would be easier now while I'm taking stuff off the tree." Bad? Good? I can't really tell. He wanted our Christmas stuff packed "together" so I have to think he's hopeful for next year.

I did get DR and agree it's clearer - thanks!! I need to re-read it. I got caught up in the holidays and stress and need to take time to slow down, re-read, and focus.

Thanks for the idea about bringing up H's depression with the MC. I'm actually not super upbeat around him most times, mostly on the happy side of "neutral." If his mood is great then I'm really upbeat - if he's kind of iffy, I'm just getting on with life and reasonably happy about the basics but not overly "cheery." I'm not sure if that's right but it seems better than acting all perky when he's totally down. The times he seems darkest is when he says he's stupid, an idiot, a JA, etc. but I can't really tell when those times are related to. Mostly seems to be anytime he's serious about the separation, actually. We focused on my depression in one past session but I think he might need some help there too. He told me yesterday I seem more relaxed in the last few days and he wondered if it was the ADs. I don't FEEL more relaxed but who knows, maybe he's right. I told him I was going to see a separate IC who's covered by my insurance to deal with my own stuff and gave him the referral phone # to set up free sessions for himself if he wants. He said he didn't want to go to someone new, wanted to see our MC separately even if it's $100 a session - he really seems to have a connection with her.

About religion - I do take your words to heart, and thank you!! The one religion I've felt closest to was actually Buddhism, mostly for the meditation... I'd like to get back to at least the meditation, for now. I took a religious studies class in college and will never forget spending a weekend with my Buddhist Poetry class sleeping on the floor and meditating while the rain fell outside. It was really amazing. I guess I'm more the agnostic than atheist... I think something / someone might be out there, just not sure what / who it is or where / how to find it. If that makes any sense. Sorry, kinda rambling!

Thanks again... I'll keep all of you in mind as I'm in MC tomorrow. How is it that I keep thinking "this'll be our toughest session yet" just keeps getting tougher each time????