NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Thanks Julie - I really needed to hear everything that you said.

He talks so little in MC that it's hard to just listen and validate. Not because I don't want to, but because usually the MC asks "us" a question followed by a long silence then the MC asks me what I think. She's amazing at getting him to open up, more than I ever could've dreamed, but he's still SO closed. "Opening up" might be 3 words. I do notice that if after the long silence I say "I can't speak for H but here's what I think he's trying to say..." or "here's what he said he felt last time we talked about this" he'll sometimes either agree or finally clarify what he means. Not sure if that's a good approach or not but it seems to kind of work. I stop talking the second he starts to say anything so he's free to keep going. You're totally right.. the kids and physical stuff questions are not appropriate right now. I keep wanting to push us into fast forward mode and I know we're not there ...<sigh>.

I think I want to ask why he's different in his "resolve" to give up on us at home vs. there... not sure if that's a good idea. Any thoughts? I don't want to pressure but it is really confusing and I'd like to find out why and if the MC has any perspective.

I am actually finally starting to accept that him moving out might be good and less pressure (on both of us) is important, but dang it the detaching is hard isn't it?? Julie, you are so good at it - I really admire you for it!! I try but I know I'm not there and need to be FAST. All the friends at the party who said they'd be there for me really helped me gain some strength. And one happens to be a counselor as well plus a race "freak" like H is so she really seems to understand him and is supportive of us both. His one guy friend told me the same thing, it's not me and leave him alone to deal with it... it's just so darn hard. Actually that reminds me, the two D'd friends at the party who have really been in my corner kept talking to H about how hard it was to date when you're "damaged goods" and "can't trust anyone anymore" - not big serious talks but they kept mentioning it. It seems to be making H think some.

You make a really good point that he's blaming himself and not me right now and that's HUGE... I need to focus on that and give him time. He keeps telling me how great I am and that he's an idiot, jerk, etc. Makes me feel so bad because I LOVE this man and want to make him stop hurting, but I can't.

Hmm just had a thought, I should try to think of it like those times he was with me in the hospital with my broken leg and I was delirious with pain but he couldn't do a darn thing. This is quieter but in a lot of ways maybe the same.

Wish I could read DR at work, I could use the refresher before MC tomorrow!! (well guess I COULD but not that comfortable with it...). I will at least sneak in a few chapters at lunch though.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I'll check in with you soon!