NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Thanks all for checking in.

I'm doing OK but I'm just feeling overwhelmed by sadness. H is starting to tie up various "loose ends," and it's so painful. He is sorting things and giving away stuff he doesn't want anymore, selling one of his racecars and moved the other one to a friend's house, etc. I have gum surgery next week and he keeps asking how long the recovery is. I think he's trying to figure out when to move. I told him I could find someone else to take me to the appointment and not to worry about it, but he said he wants to do it.

I'm doing my best "as if" I'm ok with it but it hurts, darn it. Especially when I don't really understand the purpose of this separation... particularly now that H is saying it has nothing to do with me. If it's not "me," why can't he work it out while he's here, you know?? I don't ask him that, it just eats away at me.

Our MC appointment is tomorrow. I have some questions I want to ask really badly, like did he change his mind on having kids, can he get past my physical strength issues, etc. but it seems like the wrong time. I just want him to know that I'm open to talking about those things if he decides to work things out... but unless/until he decides to work on things with me neither of those really matter I guess. It's weird because in MC he is adament that he's "done" but when we're home he talks a lot about not following through with it. I may ask what that's about.

I had yesterday off work due to Ford's funeral and I admit to wallowing a bit, but not in front of H. I made sure to dress up nice and get out of the house before he got home. Bought a shoe organizer (the bottom of our closet was a nightmare!), new welcome mat, little things. Then I went to the grocery store - I'm getting back into cooking normal meals again even if I'm the only one home. By total coincidence, I ran into H! He saw my car in the parking lot and actually looked for me in the store - seemed happy to see me and finished up shopping with me. Then when we got home he just seemed lost - sad, distant, overwhelmed, I'm not really sure. We spent a lot of decent time together and I kept a smile on my face but it just felt like he wasn't mentally here. He did make it a point to tell me that one of his coworkers didn't even recognize me at the party at first because I looked so different - said that made him proud and he wanted to make sure to tell me.

We worked on the sale listing for his racecar and he kept thanking me for my help over and over, "especially because of what I'm doing to you."

In his sleep last night he kept moving really close to me and even holding my hand. It was kinda cold in here and the dog was trying to get warm, so at one point I woke up huddled at the edge of the bed with the dog pressed up against my legs and H up againt my back. It felt like my whole "family" was right where they belonged. That's when the sadness started creeping in and has stuck with me. The rest of the night I had dreams about our honeymoon and other good times, interrupted by nightmares about "move out day." Ugh. How can we possibly be thinking/talking about losing everything we have and have had together???

At least I have all day to work on my PMA... I never in my life thought I'd like weekdays better than weekends, but right now the weekdays are so much easier.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Stay strong.. this is so hard.