I had a really rough weekend... weirdest Christmas ever... I'm sure lots of us did. I'm having SUCH a hard time keeping that PMA. This anxiety thing is really causing me problems. I'm eating better and taking the potassium, along with Wellbutrin, but out of nowhere I will just start shaking and my hands start locking up again. I'm being SO careful w/my breathing and everything, I just don't understand it. The doc gave me Xanax to take until the Wellbutrin kicked in and I'm getting a referral to an IC today, to help me deal better with the stress. I've taken the Xanax several times and it helps a lot. Hate to rely on drugs but I'm just doing what I gotta do right now. It's just so weird because it comes out of nowhere and usually when I'm in a relaxed mood. I'm getting to where I'm scared to be relaxed because it will sneak up on me! They took a bunch more blood for tests last week so maybe they'll find out if there's something else wrong too.
Sunday went out to lunch w/my mom, bro, and SIL and started to have an 'attack' at lunch. I ended up coming home and sleeping for about 3 hours. H was so worried about me - brought me warm blankets and rubbed my back til I stopped shaking and fell asleep. I really don't want him seeing me like that but I don't know what else to do... I don't have anywhere else to go and I'm not able to control it very well (hope the IC can help with that!). I appreciate him so much for what he does to help me, although it makes me even sadder about the whole thing. I made it through Christmas Eve at H's sister's house just fine, though. Christmas day was mostly with my family. We had a nice brunch at our house and H commented several times on how great it was and what a good job I did.
We made a deal that we would have a fun weekend with no R talks and no talk about him moving out in trade for me doing a detailed budget to share with him yesterday. We ended up having a couple nice dinners together and played pool together Friday night... glad to have those good moments! Yesterday I had to finally do the "separation budget" - I had done one for myself but not one that had a more fair split of the bills, it was more the "desparation if he walks out" budget. It should've been easy as I had all the numbers, but it was so hard to actually do. I think he's going to be a little shocked at the numbers... I did it with him paying half the house payment and half of the "house" bills and it's definitely going to be more than he was expecting. I also printed out some questions and things I want to discuss - we agreed to answer them separately and then see how close we are, and let the MC help us deal with any major differences. H noticed it last night but was funny about it - he was "sneaking" looks at it on the coffee table but didn't mention it at all. This morning he was doing the same thing and I said "It's that budget you asked me to do" and he just said "I know."
All this and we're planning a New Year's party... I am now thinking we really, really shouldn't have done it but I'll try to make the best of it.
I have GOT to figure out how to get my PMA back today. Last night I alternated between nightmares and mild variations of the anxiety attacks, so I am exhausted once again. All I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry. <sigh>. Got to get to work though, hopefully that will help take my mind off of things.
I'll check in with all of you soon!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki - While your symptoms certainly fit with hyperventilation syndrome, (and yes, it can happen even when you think you're relaxed) if that is the cause, episodes should resolve quickly with proper paper-bag breathing. (Tips - keep the bag tight around nose and chin, and breath SLOWLY and SHALLOWLY into the bag). Symptoms should resolve within 5 minutes.
That being said - given your unusual past medical history, just wanted to give you these references for information on hypokalemic periodic paralyses. These can be genetic, or due to hyperthyroidism (which can be autoimmune, hence the potential link to your previous health issues). Your symptoms as you describe them aren't quite a perfect fit, but the fact that they gave you potassium makes me think it's a possibility. The references include a list of possible triggers, like alcohol, stress, high-carbohydrate meals, etc. - perhaps you will notice a trend if you think back over these recent episodes. Anyway, I would print those references out and discuss them with your doc. It's a rare diagnosis, which makes it unlikely but also makes it likely to be missed if that's what you have.
Ellie – thanks for the reply! I always appreciate the medical insights. Thanks for the tips on the paper bag too, I actually wasn’t doing it right (taking deep breaths thinking it would work faster). I will ask my doc about those things. No, not taking anything licorice related but now you’ve got me curious – what does licorice do? I am really starting to think something thyroid related is going on. Last night I kept getting the shakes again and all night alternated between freezing cold and really hot/sweaty. It felt like what my mom describes with her hot flashes but I’m only 33 so I kinda doubt it’s that!
Last night was almost purely talk about H moving out, so I was in pretty bad shape from that too. The good news is he was totally fine with the financial stuff. I thought he was going to really freak out about that. So, we’ll split the house payment and all house related bills 50/50. He wants to come over once a week and do the lawn care and any house repair stuff rather than paying for that right now. He kept emphasizing that he wants to “take it slow” and “not rush into any decisions.” At first he wanted to really rush into running away so I guess that’s a good sign. I told him if he ever starts to resent doing these chores OR if it gets too hard for me to have him coming over once a week that we’d need to look at other options and he was good with that.
He kept telling me that this wasn’t about him dating other people or sleeping around, that it was about him figuring out what’s wrong with him. I guess that’s a good sign right? I couldn’t hold back the tears all that well, but I didn’t do any begging or pleading. I just told him I was sad and going to miss him, but that I’d be focusing on moving forward with my life.
We also talked about his two housing options. Both are with friends, but in one case he’d basically be renting a furnished guest room and all he’d move for now would be his clothes – the other is more of a master suite/studio apartment within a really big house. With the second option the guys that live there are all really young and in that “party all the time” mode, and H is trying to cut back on his drinking, so he thinks it wouldn’t be that healthy. I’m really not sure which is better for me. The first one he’d basically take his clothes and that’s it, so it would feel a lot more temporary. I don’t know if that’s good or bad… any thoughts??
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Licorice has some complicated effects on adrenal hormones, but one effect is on potassium levels. Normal "American" licorice is okay, they don't actually use real licorice to flavor it, but "real" licorice (like Panda brand in the uS) can have these funny effects if you eat too much. Which is too bad because I love it!
hello. I've been sick with the flu and still feeling pretty yucky, but wanted to check up on you.
I wish we could figure out the causes of these attacks. What's weird to me is that I keep asking myself, why now?
Maybe make a list of the changes you've made in either your diet or other things. I'm almost thinking that it kinda matches up to around the time that the whole S was mentioned. If that is the case, you really need to focus on letting this burden go. This S is not the end, and could infact be the best thing for you guys. Give all this stress to God and have faith that he will lead you in the best way. Know that He is the best father for you and will do what is best for you. You will be okay no matter what happens.
You are learning so much through all of this. About Life, about yourself, about your H, about your body, etc.
I do hope that there isn't something physically causing these problems, or if it is, that it is something that can be remedied quickly and with ease. I will pray that these episodes will happen no longer so that you can focus on your PMA and YOU, instead of on this ailment.
Everything that you have said about your H all seems very positive to me. He is smart enough to know he needs to figure out what he wants. He did marry you, he wasn't forced, and you know that you guys had a bond between the two of you, it is just something that he thinks may not have been there, or was lost, but it CAN come back.
Remember, don't let these episodes get you down. Don't worry about him seeing you during these times, it's the times after that you need to show him that you are strong and that you can overcome these struggles and that you WILL overcome them. It is a wonderful thing that he has the desire to continue to help you through this. He could totally abandon you, but he is not.
with lots of love, Crissy
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hi all - first off Happy New Year! I haven't been posting much, too busy keeping up with the holidays... but I'll be on a lot more now (posting here and checking on all of you!).
Ellie - interesting about the licorice. Thanks! I don't eat it much and don't know that I've ever even had the "real" stuff you mentioned, but it's interesting to know.
Stilltryin - so sorry you've been sick, that's a bummer!! I hope you're feeling better soon.
Yeah, I'm asking myself the same question about these weird attacks. They seem to be getting less intense and less frequent thank goodness... if I even start to get one I take half a Xanax. I got through several days without needing it though so that was good. I do think it's anxiety related, although I'm still checking on the physical possibilities.
My blood test came back that my potassium is now fine (I thought if anything it might be too high now since I've been supplementing it so much!). But my calcium is now really low in spite of me taking calcium supplements. uuugggh! I was taking it at the same time as Prevacid for heartburn and wonder if that was causing it not to be absorbed right, so I'm trying taking them at separate times now. Everything else was apparently normal.
I have never been a religious person but I am so glad it's helpful for you and many others. It sure would be easier to somehow "give' this stress to someone/something else. I have considered trying to "become" religious because I see it's such a comfort to others, but it just doesn't work for me. I DO believe that I'm learning a lot through all this and that I will be OK in the end.
Weird weekend we had... mostly positive, but now that the "holidays" are officially over I am really finding myself freaking out. I'm fighting it but I just have this huge sense of dread that the other shoe's about to drop.
Friday night we actually had a nice dinner out together (just the two of us... I know it was kind of risky!). Then I suggested we go meet some friends at a nearby bar/night club type place - the friends flaked on us but we met this really fun group of girls who go out once a month for "girls night." Their table was the only one with a free seat so they let us sit with them, and we ended up talking and dancing with them all night. H was happy... 8 girls all to himself.. . Several times he danced really close with me - so much fun!! It reminded me of some of our early dates. A few times my insecurities creeped in - like wondering if H was sitting there thinking he liked one of the other girls better than me or something - but I let it go. I was also wishing I could move better (I can finally dance again but not all that well)... and I was kicking myself for NOT having a similar group of friends to rely on, but I am working on that. I managed to kick out the negative thoughts and keep the positive ones going so that was a real "win" for me.
Saturday he went to a bonfire with a big group of friends and didn't take me even though he knew I'd love to go. That bummed me out... but I didn't let it linger for too long.
New Years Eve we had a party at our house. All day H was acting upset but clearly not with me - so I took a chance and asked what was wrong. He said he was upset that not many people would be coming because it was such late notice, and "If I wasn't being such an idiot we could've sent out invitations months ago." Kept repeating how stupid he was... and at one point said "For next year we should make sure to send out invitations in the summer." Then he said "And I think we should make this an annual thing, never skip a year so that way everyone just knows they can plan on us having a party." I know I should be detaching more so his statements/moods don't impact me so much, but man did it make me feel SO good to hear him making "us" plans for the future.
The party itself was fun. Usually I'm in the kitchen fussing over the food, cleaning up, generally "taking care of" the party rather than enjoying it. This time I had all stress-free food and I really let loose - danced, laughed, talked with everyone. People always ask me if I enjoy throwing the parties or just do them for H because I'm so stressed out, this time everyone was commenting on how much fun I had. Oh and I LOVED my outfit and so did everyone else.. very sexy and showed off my weight loss very well. All night H's guy friends were flirting with me and telling him "Damn your wife is HOT" - loved that!! I kept bugging this one really shy friend to dance with me - finally talked him into it and he said "I haven't danced in at least 5 years but I just couldn't resist, it's so good to see you able to dance again!" All awesome ego boosters. One of his close guy friends gave me a huge hug as he was leaving and said to me "You're a good woman - your man's just unhappy right now but it isn't you, remember that." Almost made me cry!!
Several of the women pulled me aside and said they were so thankful that OW wasn't here, too. They said it was disgusting watching her around men, especially my H, and said they were glad he had finally come to his senses. I didn't tell most of them that there's a whole lot more to the story, but I did talk to some of them that I'm closer to. All of them were shocked that H would even consider leaving, but they were super supportive and told me that they'd be there for me anytime. So far all of them seem able to be friends with both of us and not take sides, and all of them have said they want to help me stand for our M. Wow.
One friend actually told me she and her H had just gone through something similar and reconciled on Christmas day. Her H was the "love you but not in love with you" one but she was the one to move out. I guess it only lasted 3 weeks before he was begging her to come home and things are now going really well. She actually encouraged me to be the one to move - to make him be the one to come home to an empty house and all the memories. She had a good point and I almost changed my mind again, but I really don't have anywhere affordable I can go and keep the dog with me.
I thought New Year's Day would involve "backlash" from H but he invited me to go to the drag races with him. He was pretty distant all day but it was great to be there. I caught up with a lot of the people we used to hang out with at the track and enjoyed that, and reached my goal of saying hi and introducing myself to a number of new people too.
All in all a lot of positives... just gotta shake this fear of the separation, if it happens. I now have several people I can rely on for support and friendship so I am very happy for that. It was sure scary taking that step of reaching out but I'm glad I did.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Lots of positives here. And you are right, you need to be detaching more. But it's so hard when we start to feel hope. Then we can slide back down that slippery slope again. So keep working on the detaching and yourself. Sounds like you are getting some good affirmation from men in your life- love it. Wish I could get more of that. I get the 'you're such an inspiration' from my sisters which I value, but I wouldn't mind hearing how hot I am.
Thanks for checking in. You're right, the detaching is really, really hard. I think it's the hardest part... so much fear associated with it you know? If I detach too far will I lose my desire to keep the M going? What if I detach and H really does move on without me? I know we all ask ourselves the same things over and over.
haha..about the guys, yeah I definitely enjoy the affirmation! They're pretty much all H's friends so if he leaves I probably won't see them that much, but I'll take the compliments where I can get 'em.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
. Several times he danced really close with me - so much fun!! It reminded me of some of our early dates. A few times my insecurities creeped in - like wondering if H was sitting there thinking he liked one of the other girls better than me or something - but I let it go. I was also wishing I could move better (I can finally dance again but not all that well)... and I was kicking myself for NOT having a similar group of friends to rely on, but I am working on that. I managed to kick out the negative thoughts and keep the positive ones going so that was a real "win" for me.