NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Hi all - first off Happy New Year! I haven't been posting much, too busy keeping up with the holidays... but I'll be on a lot more now (posting here and checking on all of you!).

Ellie - interesting about the licorice. Thanks! I don't eat it much and don't know that I've ever even had the "real" stuff you mentioned, but it's interesting to know.

Stilltryin - so sorry you've been sick, that's a bummer!! I hope you're feeling better soon.

Yeah, I'm asking myself the same question about these weird attacks. They seem to be getting less intense and less frequent thank goodness... if I even start to get one I take half a Xanax. I got through several days without needing it though so that was good. I do think it's anxiety related, although I'm still checking on the physical possibilities.

My blood test came back that my potassium is now fine (I thought if anything it might be too high now since I've been supplementing it so much!). But my calcium is now really low in spite of me taking calcium supplements. uuugggh! I was taking it at the same time as Prevacid for heartburn and wonder if that was causing it not to be absorbed right, so I'm trying taking them at separate times now. Everything else was apparently normal.

I have never been a religious person but I am so glad it's helpful for you and many others. It sure would be easier to somehow "give' this stress to someone/something else. I have considered trying to "become" religious because I see it's such a comfort to others, but it just doesn't work for me. I DO believe that I'm learning a lot through all this and that I will be OK in the end.

Weird weekend we had... mostly positive, but now that the "holidays" are officially over I am really finding myself freaking out. I'm fighting it but I just have this huge sense of dread that the other shoe's about to drop.

Friday night we actually had a nice dinner out together (just the two of us... I know it was kind of risky!). Then I suggested we go meet some friends at a nearby bar/night club type place - the friends flaked on us but we met this really fun group of girls who go out once a month for "girls night." Their table was the only one with a free seat so they let us sit with them, and we ended up talking and dancing with them all night. H was happy... 8 girls all to himself.. . Several times he danced really close with me - so much fun!! It reminded me of some of our early dates. A few times my insecurities creeped in - like wondering if H was sitting there thinking he liked one of the other girls better than me or something - but I let it go. I was also wishing I could move better (I can finally dance again but not all that well)... and I was kicking myself for NOT having a similar group of friends to rely on, but I am working on that. I managed to kick out the negative thoughts and keep the positive ones going so that was a real "win" for me.

Saturday he went to a bonfire with a big group of friends and didn't take me even though he knew I'd love to go. That bummed me out... but I didn't let it linger for too long.

New Years Eve we had a party at our house. All day H was acting upset but clearly not with me - so I took a chance and asked what was wrong. He said he was upset that not many people would be coming because it was such late notice, and "If I wasn't being such an idiot we could've sent out invitations months ago." Kept repeating how stupid he was... and at one point said "For next year we should make sure to send out invitations in the summer." Then he said "And I think we should make this an annual thing, never skip a year so that way everyone just knows they can plan on us having a party." I know I should be detaching more so his statements/moods don't impact me so much, but man did it make me feel SO good to hear him making "us" plans for the future.

The party itself was fun. Usually I'm in the kitchen fussing over the food, cleaning up, generally "taking care of" the party rather than enjoying it. This time I had all stress-free food and I really let loose - danced, laughed, talked with everyone. People always ask me if I enjoy throwing the parties or just do them for H because I'm so stressed out, this time everyone was commenting on how much fun I had. Oh and I LOVED my outfit and so did everyone else.. very sexy and showed off my weight loss very well. All night H's guy friends were flirting with me and telling him "Damn your wife is HOT" - loved that!! I kept bugging this one really shy friend to dance with me - finally talked him into it and he said "I haven't danced in at least 5 years but I just couldn't resist, it's so good to see you able to dance again!" All awesome ego boosters. One of his close guy friends gave me a huge hug as he was leaving and said to me "You're a good woman - your man's just unhappy right now but it isn't you, remember that." Almost made me cry!!

Several of the women pulled me aside and said they were so thankful that OW wasn't here, too. They said it was disgusting watching her around men, especially my H, and said they were glad he had finally come to his senses. I didn't tell most of them that there's a whole lot more to the story, but I did talk to some of them that I'm closer to. All of them were shocked that H would even consider leaving, but they were super supportive and told me that they'd be there for me anytime. So far all of them seem able to be friends with both of us and not take sides, and all of them have said they want to help me stand for our M. Wow.

One friend actually told me she and her H had just gone through something similar and reconciled on Christmas day. Her H was the "love you but not in love with you" one but she was the one to move out. I guess it only lasted 3 weeks before he was begging her to come home and things are now going really well. She actually encouraged me to be the one to move - to make him be the one to come home to an empty house and all the memories. She had a good point and I almost changed my mind again, but I really don't have anywhere affordable I can go and keep the dog with me.

I thought New Year's Day would involve "backlash" from H but he invited me to go to the drag races with him. He was pretty distant all day but it was great to be there. I caught up with a lot of the people we used to hang out with at the track and enjoyed that, and reached my goal of saying hi and introducing myself to a number of new people too.

All in all a lot of positives... just gotta shake this fear of the separation, if it happens. I now have several people I can rely on for support and friendship so I am very happy for that. It was sure scary taking that step of reaching out but I'm glad I did.