NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Hi all, just checking in and journaling a bit.

I had a really rough weekend... weirdest Christmas ever... I'm sure lots of us did. I'm having SUCH a hard time keeping that PMA. This anxiety thing is really causing me problems. I'm eating better and taking the potassium, along with Wellbutrin, but out of nowhere I will just start shaking and my hands start locking up again. I'm being SO careful w/my breathing and everything, I just don't understand it. The doc gave me Xanax to take until the Wellbutrin kicked in and I'm getting a referral to an IC today, to help me deal better with the stress. I've taken the Xanax several times and it helps a lot. Hate to rely on drugs but I'm just doing what I gotta do right now. It's just so weird because it comes out of nowhere and usually when I'm in a relaxed mood. I'm getting to where I'm scared to be relaxed because it will sneak up on me! They took a bunch more blood for tests last week so maybe they'll find out if there's something else wrong too.

Sunday went out to lunch w/my mom, bro, and SIL and started to have an 'attack' at lunch. I ended up coming home and sleeping for about 3 hours. H was so worried about me - brought me warm blankets and rubbed my back til I stopped shaking and fell asleep. I really don't want him seeing me like that but I don't know what else to do... I don't have anywhere else to go and I'm not able to control it very well (hope the IC can help with that!). I appreciate him so much for what he does to help me, although it makes me even sadder about the whole thing. I made it through Christmas Eve at H's sister's house just fine, though. Christmas day was mostly with my family. We had a nice brunch at our house and H commented several times on how great it was and what a good job I did.

We made a deal that we would have a fun weekend with no R talks and no talk about him moving out in trade for me doing a detailed budget to share with him yesterday. We ended up having a couple nice dinners together and played pool together Friday night... glad to have those good moments! Yesterday I had to finally do the "separation budget" - I had done one for myself but not one that had a more fair split of the bills, it was more the "desparation if he walks out" budget. It should've been easy as I had all the numbers, but it was so hard to actually do. I think he's going to be a little shocked at the numbers... I did it with him paying half the house payment and half of the "house" bills and it's definitely going to be more than he was expecting. I also printed out some questions and things I want to discuss - we agreed to answer them separately and then see how close we are, and let the MC help us deal with any major differences. H noticed it last night but was funny about it - he was "sneaking" looks at it on the coffee table but didn't mention it at all. This morning he was doing the same thing and I said "It's that budget you asked me to do" and he just said "I know."

All this and we're planning a New Year's party... I am now thinking we really, really shouldn't have done it but I'll try to make the best of it.

I have GOT to figure out how to get my PMA back today. Last night I alternated between nightmares and mild variations of the anxiety attacks, so I am exhausted once again. All I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry. <sigh>. Got to get to work though, hopefully that will help take my mind off of things.

I'll check in with all of you soon!