NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Hi all, just checking in. I’m behind on all your threads again but please know my thoughts are with all of you. I will catch up soon.

DonH – Ativan, that was it! I honestly don’t know the dosage they gave me in the hospital. It is kind of odd because all of the stuff I forgot was at least a couple of hours after taking it. Maybe the amnesia was just the combination of that and the stress? The prescription I have now is for 1MG tablets of Lorazepam, which I assume is the generic version. I couldn’t get in to see my regular doc until Weds, so I’m kind of glad I have some of these left over from the weekend just in case. My mom kept trying to get me to take some yesterday because I started to “lock up” again when we were out shopping. I probably could’ve used a half tablet but got through it. I had about 2 hours of really fighting the clenched hands and dizziness. The whole time I was breathing SO slowly I can’t believe it was even possibly hyperventilating but who knows. I took some potassium again and it seemed to help too.

Stilltryin – you are right that H was there for me and I’m really grateful for it.

Yesterday was OK. I kept as positive as I could but this anxiety thing really scared me… I kept worrying it would creep up on me again (I know, counterproductive!). Last night was yet another rough one… <sigh>. We were having a decent night, watching a movie, H was excited about the gifts I got for everyone. Then out of nowhere H started a LOT of R talk. I’m trying not to let it impact me but I’m not quite that detached yet!!

Here was some of the weirdness. Any tips on how I could handle things better next time are welcome, although I think I did OK.

- Out of the blue H paused the movie and said “[friend’s name] has a room for rent.” Then immediately apologized and said he shouldn’t have told me. I asked about the place a bit. He kept saying it wasn’t very “homey” and seemed lonely and he didn’t really want to live there.

- Talked about the original friend’s house where he was going to stay and said “I’d rather be there but I don’t think it’s what I need.” I asked what he needed and he said “To know what it’s like to be on my own, not just staying with someone.”

(Used my handy dandy STOP SIGN here. I thought he was setting me up to tell me he was moving into OW and her roommate’s spare bedroom but I didn’t say it and kicked the thought out of my head!).

- Said he keeps having nightmares where he walks into our house and it’s not ours anymore. Things are moved, changed, we don’t live there. I wonder if it’s based in reality a bit. The former owners of our house D’d and later reconciled. The former owner comes by sometimes and he gets really sad when he sees the stuff we’ve changed in the house.

- Work has been really depressing him because of OW. She backed off but now he’s missing her. He was really upset that she blew off his birthday. He almost sounded like a guy going through a high school breakup. I asked him if he was ever in love with her and he said “No, but I do wonder about falling in love with someone like her.” I listened as a friend and didn’t react to this (yay me!).

- He keeps thinking about NOT separating. He said he makes his mind up to stay but then realizes “I need to go.” Says he needs the time away to show him what he’d be losing with me, or make sure he’s not missing out on anything. (I didn’t show it at the time but that hurt… to think he’s going to go see if he can find someone better and if not, settle for me…ow). I can see that he’s kind of setting up for a cake-eating scenario. I will have to really guard against this by GAL of my own and not wallowing.

- I’m doing all the right things and there’s nothing more I could change that he would want me to do differently. He’s glad to see me not “sleepwalking” through life anymore and hopes it’s permanent. He said he sees hope for a future with me.

- He said what happened to me Friday was making him think he shouldn’t move out. He said it’s a totally selfish thing that “only a jacka$$ would do” (he repeats this phrase SO MUCH when we get into these talks!!). I asked if Friday showed him how much it was stressing me out or something and he said no, then yes, then that I totally didn’t understand what he meant. He's right, he lost me! I asked him to tell me in a different way so I could understand and he told me I’d never be able to. (????)

- He said I’m a good person and that makes him even more of a jacka$$.

- Most of his friends that he’s talked to about it tell him he’s crazy to leave, and one of them even called him on the OW thing (apparently threw some advice right back at him that H had offered this friend a couple years ago – H was upset that he didn’t remember giving the advice).

I let him do most of the talking but I did ask him where he thought we’d be a year from now. He replied “Either separated but a lot happier than we are tonight, or madly in love with each other.”

Wow…that was a big positive, to hear that he even thinks there is potential for “madly in love” again.

Lots of positives there, most notably no anxiety attack, but I’m very sad again today. I really thought he wouldn’t move out and now I’m feeling more and more like he will. I know I need to move on and detach, and I love him enough to do it, but it just makes me so sad. All day I keep thinking drop the rope, if you love something set it free, all of that but it is so hard to do. As you all well know.