Thanks for posting. My H isn’t particularly snoopy and right now we’re BOTH operating in such a mental fog, I don’t think he’s probably going to notice. I did tell him the gift thing last night and that I wanted to get the mail for now and he was totally fine (actually he seemed all intrigued as to what cool gift was on the way). I think your plan sounds really good.
His birthday yesterday was pretty bad… <sigh>. The EA/OW is the one who always does the birthday ‘stuff’ for the guys at work. She has apparently totally backed off as promised so he had no cake, no card, no decorations, no nothing at work. He seemed pretty sad about it. I kind of wish I’d brought a cake in for him, although that might’ve been pressure. I did make him one at home and he really appreciated it.
We are still avoiding any dinners alone unless it’s somewhere distracting, so we met up with some friends of his last night. I told him several times to do whatever he wanted on his BD, that it didn’t have to involve me, but he picked this dinner thing with me and his friends. On the way there it happened again where I just literally ran out of things to say. He wasn’t talking much and after 10 minutes or so, I just ran out. I guess on the plus side I stayed quiet rather than bringing up anything sensitive, but it was so sad sitting there in the car with this man I love, realizing he doesn’t want me around right now, and having this massive distance between us. I felt like it should've been an opportunity to be fun, turn the mood around somehow, but I just wasn't able to find anything that worked.
At dinner the guys all talked cars and about how great it was to be out without their girlfriends. I kept thinking H probably wished I wasn’t there but did my best “as if” and joined the convo as much as I could. One of the guys is the one he’s talking about moving in with and I don’t know what, if anything, they’ve talked about so I was feeling awkward there too.
I sooo wish we had a guest bed or bedroom in our house. Talk about detaching – last night it just hit me in this huge rush that the man I was next to in bed doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me. He cares and doesn’t want to hurt me, but he wants me out of his life. I know, I know, no news to you guys but it’s like the emotion finally caught up to the logic. I couldn’t be there in bed next to him anymore, so I ended up attempting to sleep on the couch the rest of the night. I am so tired today!! I didn't make a big deal out of it, just told him I was tossing & turning and didn't want to keep him awake. He said he wished I had stayed in bed.
Just rambling and journaling I guess… I hope I can get a nap sometime today, PMA is tough when you’re exhausted.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
