My D cost $4000, no assets, no kids, limited support for 2 years. I'd go for the one with more hours. For $288 you may save a lot of money AND, if you don't need it, I expect it still will be worth it in terms of giving you some decent options. Being empowered will do a lot in terms of your well being and also really help you detach and give H space. Also, you can always use it to do your wills, etc...
Thanks Oldtimer. I think I’ll go for it. I know it doesn’t cover court costs and filing fees and such, just actual attorney time, but it still seems like a really good deal. And I can always hope to only use it for estate planning!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Hi Nikki. Oldtimer beat me to the punch, but IMO you've made the right move.
Quoting you in bold.
And I can always hope to only use it for estate planning!
I hope you don't need it for anything but that either.
Also, I've forgotten your exact sitch, H is still there, but you two are about to separate, right?
Is there any reason to be discreet about this expenditure? i.e. if he found out, what might happen?
Not advocating secrecy, mind you, but you might want to think about how he'd take this if he found out. That said, I do think you need to do whatever to protect yourself legally, first and foremost, then worry about things like this...
Take care,
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
Thanks for the second on Oldtimer’s recommendation. Right now seemingly easy decisions aren’t so easy, so it helps to have people to bounce it off of.
Yes, we still live together. H says he’s moving out in January although he’s acting like he might not follow through. We shall see.
As for telling him – any thoughts on that? He won’t see the payment as it comes out of my check via payroll deduction, but he may see the info packet that they mail to the house. Even though he may not find out, I wonder if I should tell him. I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but I really don’t feel right hiding it either. I just want to make sure I convey that I’m not losing hope or trying to turn things uglier, and I’m not sure if there’s a way to do that in the same sentence as “I signed up for a prepaid legal service.”
If I do say anything, my plan was to tell him close to what I said here. That I signed up in case things don’t work out to help save on legal fees, and there’s a 6 month waiting period which is why I signed up now rather than wait. The funny/ironic thing about it is it’s a “family” plan, so he can use it too. We can use it for mediation, or if it gets to a point of needing separate lawyers we can each choose our own attorneys through the service (up until it’s final and he’s not “family” anymore… funny set up huh??). So although I signed up out of self preservation, it really is protection for both of us. And of course I’ll also mention I/we can use it for estate planning and such later on – he knows that’s been on my “to do” list for awhile.
What do you think?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I wouldn't say a word unless he finds the info packet. If he does, can you lie and say it's just a new benefit from your employer? Does he have to know you signed up for it and are paying for it?
Just curious, why would you lie about it/recommend lying about it?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I think oldtimers recommendation sounds like a smart idea too. Definitely do one of the two.
And in regards to lying. I really am against that idea. I kinda did it in my sitch because the DB coach told me to be a little evasive, or mysterious, so I ended up fibbing a little and it bit me in the butt! So I don't recommend it at all. Always use the truth. You would want the same in return.
You know, you could use an act As If and when you get it in the mail you can tell him you got a cool package deal at work that you can both utilize (of course you want to get the most hours, not him though! if it comes to a D that is). You don't have to tell him you got it mostly in case he gives you a D, but you have other reasons like the estate and the will and stuff.
Act as if you thought he would think it be a good idea and a smart move.
That's MHO
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I'm still debating what to do on telling H about the legal service. I really don't feel right lying about it but would still be curious to hear Ellie's take on why she suggested it so I can think it through more.
He knows vaguely that my work offers a legal plan because we've talked about using the free consult before. I am doing a lot of getting the house organized, getting paperwork in order, etc. so the As If you suggested might work. I'm sure he'd also realize just due to the timing that it's related to him saying he wants to separate though.
I think it might be a wake up call for him that this is serious and I'm not going to be treated like a doormat - which is actually kind of a 180 for me too. He's always telling me I should stand up for myself more, push for promotions at work more, etc. But, at the same time I don't want to turn things ugly or push in the direction of a D.
H has already made plans for the whole weekend again, none of which involve OW/EA, so I guess that's good. In the past I used to get kind of jealous when he'd tell me about his plans - "But H don't you want to spend time with me?" This time I'm doing much better, telling him it sounds like fun and I'm really excited for him (and I mean it, not just fakely saying it!). Plus the Saturday plans are with his family, so we'll get to spend some time together there. I'm glad for those times because I'm afraid detaching will equal so much distance that my positive changes won't get through or be noticed (although, I know that's not logical).
I will be busy getting Christmas stuff finished up - shopping, wrapping, etc. I am trying so hard to detach but the closer we get to the holidays, the more desparate I find myself feeling. Like it's some kind of "countdown" where if I do everything right I can stop the separation.
It also feels like I have this weird timeline, I have to get every little thing done NOW to prep myself in case he goes through with it. It's hard enough to keep up during the holidays but feeling like I have to start new hobbies, invite people over for dinner, learn to take care of the pool, order furniture, etc. etc. all RIGHT NOW is just so stressing me out. I'm trying to chill out and focus on the few most important things but I haven't been doing a very good job of it. The MC was right when she said it would be impossible to truly "prepare" and stop thinking I could - so I need to remember that.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Don't tell him because it isn't any of his business. You don't know what my benefits are, it isn't any of your business. You are no longer operating as H-W, it really isn't of his concern. It is not a requirement that you show people you are at best, dating, your financial portfolio. Rather, your personal business choices are for you. Telling him now will merely complicate things.
Something you said raised a red flag. You should be be making the decision to take the benefit for yourself because it makes sense for you.
Quote: I think it might be a wake up call for him
Do NOT use this to try to make him see the light. Indeed, do not take any actions to try to make him see the light. LET GO. Quit figuring out how your choices will affect him and make choices based on what will work for you.
The information about YOUR benefits will become relevant IF you decide to share the benefit with him if you D or IF you reconcile. Until then, it is a private business matter. Trust me, H is not sharing all his financial decisions with you, certainly not one involving how he is spending $30 a month.
If you push when H doesn't know what he wants, you will get a response that you don't want. He will err on the side of leaving if anything. Trying to influence him by throwing lawyers in his face is very pushy. Also, it will get him combative, which businesswise is not a good stragegy.
The best way for him to get a wake up call is for it to be of his own making. If he leaves, then quit acting like you are in an H-W R with him as much as possible. That is what he wants. Respect his wishes and give it to him. This doesn't require having an A yourself, but it does require really letting go.
