NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Thanks Julie - you're right, he's probably really hurting and afraid right now, too. It's hard to remember that sometimes.

I didn't pressure him at all or even mention his behavior except here - his sister, who supposedly doesn't even know what's going on, was the only one to push him (and hey.. what are siblings for if not to make you uncomfortable at family gatherings???).

I've let it go already and never did really take it too personally, other than to think it was pretty rude. I understand that it was probably coming from a whole lot of hurt though. He has been sleeping SO much lately, I know that's related too.

He asked if I was making him a birthday cake this year - I asked if he wanted one, he said yes so I baked that tonight. His mom made him one too but he likes mine better.. . Always makes me feel good to hear him say that (I mean, how often do you hear "but it's not like Mom used to make it" - so you gotta like the opposite!). He asked if I'd take him out to dinner for his birthday so we'll do that Weds.

It's so strange right now. He's not at home that much and finds a million other things to do, but he is calling and letting me know where he is more often. And when he is home, it's like he's REALLY home... acting normal, being really sweet to me... I don't know how to explain it.

I'm trying to detach, but I know I'm not doing very well at the moment and I'm overanalyzing everything. I have been thinking and realized this has been on his mind a LONG time. Everytime we go do one of our "regular" things (boating, weekends in Tahoe, etc.) I realized I have had this odd feeling of dread towards the end, and I couldn't figure out why. Now I realize, H has felt for a long time that it was the "last" for each thing. Last time we were leaving the cabin he asked me if I'd said "goodbye" to Tahoe and I thought it was strange. He did something similar on our last boating trip of the summer. It happened to be the same trip the boat broke and he said "Well I guess that's it for boating." I said "just til next year" and that we had all winter to work on fixing it, and he just had the saddest look on his face.

I wish I had picked up on all this SO much sooner or that he'd been able to tell me. I know, it's all in the past and I need to let that go and look towards the future... just some thoughts that have been hitting me lately.