NikkiB's new thread, new life

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Don't be TOO jealous about the ML.. it's like it's meaningful but not. At the time it seems great (practically like when we first met!), but then later or the next day it's like barely the same people.. if that makes any sense. It's like this different personality shows up, we have an amazing night, and poof gone.

I can TOTALLY relate to this. But I really believe that when they have these great ml moments, afterwards they are thinking, what did I do? I thought I wanted to break up with this person, do I want them? do I not? then they get mad at themselves for "losing" control and then ultimately take it out on us. Leaving us totally confused! So, as long as you know or feel confident you won't contract anything, I think it is totally good for you to continue ML if that happens. It is really really important. Just always expect him to be totally confusing afterwards so you won't feel bad. It's not you, but him being totally confused, cause he thought he didn't want you, and now you've totally confused him by becoming this wonderful person and he doesn't know what to do now.

I had a weird thing happen later today..snapped from really good PMA to just straight angry. I kept thinking about what H said about the house and realized he's trying to act like he'd be where he is without me, like I didn't contribute anything all this time. He's complaining about stuff that happened 7 years ago, saying "Well I paid the mortgage because you said you couldn't afford it." Ok maybe, I honestly don't remember because it's been SO LONG and I've contributed equally financially in spite of his higher income for at least 5 years now. But the thought also crossed my mind and I can't shake it... which is worse? Lying to someone, or having different incomes? And then it lead to me realizing that no matter what he says or I want to believe, he's either lying now or he lied before. He pretends that he's "always been honest" and I kind of held onto that, but I realized it isn't possible. Because, either he lied when we got married and he took our vows and he lied thousands of times when he said ILY, or he's lying now about not ever loving me or wanting to be married to me. I don't know why this hit me so hard but it did.

okay. I just asked my H because he said the same thing. That he never really loved me, but just as a friend. (This was before I read the DR book and I found 3 really intimate loving letters he wrote me the year before and wrote on a peice of paper, "H, read these letters you wrote me and then tell me that they were all lies, because I don't believe you." he read them and then left the house to walmart-he said- but he really called the OW and talked to her for an hour!) Anyways, my point is... I asked him if he still believed that. i told him that I believed he really felt that way when he said it, and he agreed saying he was in a different frame of mind or something, and I asked if he did love me before and he said yes, and agreed with me that our love now is different and better than it was before.

So, don't worry about what your H is or has or will say to you. There were other things that my H said that he doesn't even remember saying now, and unlike your H, he remembers EVERYTHING. So, just ignore any hateful things your H says or does to you and just remember that he is not his full self right now, and maybe after this is all resolved, you can ask him then and you will know that he will tell you the truth.

It lead me to wonder if setting up a whole new place that's totally "mine" made sense.

IMHO I don't think this would be a good idea for you right now. If your H had OW and wanted to be with her and wasn't acting so "friendly" with you, then it might be a good 180 or something, but I think you changing everything around will send the wrong mesg to him. I think that maybe picking out one thing would be okay. It would show him that you are bold enough to make a decision on your own and not worry about what he thinks, but it's also not taking every decision away from him. Does that make sense? I'm not doing a very good job of explaining what I'm trying to say. ugh. I'm bad at that!

I am thinking of giving H an option... option 1 is I keep the house and he moves out. Option 2 is that I give him a list of my requirements for a rental, and HE has to do all the work of finding it, sorting out our stuff (obviously I'd be kind of involved there), packing, and moving my stuff.
I dunno... I'm still undecided but what do you guys think? My biggest objection in the beginning was that H wanted me to just disappear - leave him the house, find my own place, pay my own bills, no work or responsibility on his part, when HE'S the one who wanted out. Like I was supposed to just feel so guilty that he made the mistake of marring me or something.

That is even more reason for you to not let him have the house. He will get to have his "fantasy" if you leave. You really don't want him to enjoy this S time. You want him to be unhappy with it and miserable, so that he realizes what he has done and how stupid he is to have left you.

I am so NOT for you moving out. Anyone else? I really think you should stay. It doesn't matter if he was the only one paying for the house and you didn't even work. You guys got married and his job was to support his family, children or no children, and now he wants to change his mind, so that is his fault. That is his consequence. Don't give him the choice! IMHO that is.