NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Thanks Julie, glad it made you laugh!!

Don't be TOO jealous about the ML.. it's like it's meaningful but not. At the time it seems great (practically like when we first met!), but then later or the next day it's like barely the same people.. if that makes any sense. It's like this different personality shows up, we have an amazing night, and poof gone. Actually I would probably be avoiding the ML entirely just for this reason, except that it was one of the big problems the last couple of years. So I figure any good moments/ memories we can build now are good. (well that and it's kinda fun...:))

I had a weird thing happen later today..snapped from really good PMA to just straight angry. I kept thinking about what H said about the house and realized he's trying to act like he'd be where he is without me, like I didn't contribute anything all this time. He's complaining about stuff that happened 7 years ago, saying "Well I paid the mortgage because you said you couldn't afford it." Ok maybe, I honestly don't remember because it's been SO LONG and I've contributed equally financially in spite of his higher income for at least 5 years now. But the thought also crossed my mind and I can't shake it... which is worse? Lying to someone, or having different incomes? And then it lead to me realizing that no matter what he says or I want to believe, he's either lying now or he lied before. He pretends that he's "always been honest" and I kind of held onto that, but I realized it isn't possible. Because, either he lied when we got married and he took our vows and he lied thousands of times when he said ILY, or he's lying now about not ever loving me or wanting to be married to me. I don't know why this hit me so hard but it did.

I'm just venting here...didn't tell H any of this.

When I was Christmas shopping I kind of realized too that this total upheaval of my life IS happening. Even if it's temporary it's happening. I found myself kinda shopping for curtains, bedspreads, things that I'd pick but H never would agree to. It lead me to wonder if setting up a whole new place that's totally "mine" made sense.

I am thinking of giving H an option... option 1 is I keep the house and he moves out. Option 2 is that I give him a list of my requirements for a rental, and HE has to do all the work of finding it, sorting out our stuff (obviously I'd be kind of involved there), packing, and moving my stuff.

I dunno... I'm still undecided but what do you guys think? My biggest objection in the beginning was that H wanted me to just disappear - leave him the house, find my own place, pay my own bills, no work or responsibility on his part, when HE'S the one who wanted out. Like I was supposed to just feel so guilty that he made the mistake of marring me or something. Anyway my original thought was the only solution was for me to stay in the house, but now I wonder if I should give him this other option.

I won't do anything til I get a lawyer's opinion either but I'd just be curious to hear your thoughts.