NikkiB's new thread, new life

[NikB]

Looks like I just locked up another thread, so here's a new one. I'll post the history in just a sec.

[NikB]

There, that’s better… prior threads are in my sig.

Stoic – thank you very much for sharing your experience, it’s definitely relevant! I didn’t feel you were pushing a certain position, just opening my eyes to a possibility.

About the denial – you know, I AM actually closer to your second phrase and I like it. Thanks for sharing it. I fully admit that “This is not happening to me” creeps in a lot. If H follows through with moving I can already feel there’ll be a lot of that at first… but, I will get through whatever comes.

You make a good point about not focusing too much on the negative too. I can tend to get obsessed with that side of things.

I am wondering if it would be smart to meet briefly with a lawyer. I didn’t realize that decisions now could impact things so much later, and I am not in a good decision making frame of mind right now. I can get a free 2 hour consultation through my work which should be more than enough to ask my legal questions, I think. I don’t want to over react but I don’t want to be dumb either. And my H is talking about moving out and leaving me, after all (ugh ugh ugh, I haven’t totally accepted it yet).

I agree, Oldtimer’s insights have been awesome – thank you Oldtimer for checking in on me!! I will catch up on your posts and a lot of everyone’s older posts this weekend.

Along with that I plan to Christmas shop, decorate the house, and put up some new pictures in the hall…some “ME” things I’m doing. I felt myself getting ready to mope or cry or whatever so I made a list of about 20 possible things to help me snap out of it.

As always thoughts are still welcome on any of my prior posts and I thank all of you so much for your caring, insights, and following my story.

Tonight I got H’s birthday present (BD is next week, what timing huh?). I debated on whether to do our usual “tease” or not and decided to. Called from the store and said “Guess where I am? Getting your way cool birthday present.” He responded just like my old H would have – “Oh yeah, what is it? C’mon, you KNOW you want to tell me.” in a really funny tone. I said “youuuuu’llll see” and hung up. Hey, it’s small, but it was great. He ended up coming home instead of going to his buddy’s house just because of that call.

And you guys’ll be proud – I was sooo tempted to overspend like an idiot, “show” him how much I love him through money. But I didn’t. I got him a gift I know he’ll like and appreciate, but spent a reasonable amount on it. It’s nothing sentimental or particularly “me” related, just something hobby related I know he’ll like. Everyone was totally nice to me in the store too, it’s auto related and usually everyone in this place is rude (I dreaded having to go!). I met 3 really nice customers and the most helpful customer service/parts person I think I’ve ever talked to.

[sadkimby]

Nikki,
I would go and see the lawyer espcially if it wont't cost you a dime. After I consulted with one I seem to be in a better frame of mind, that if it did come to that I had some power. Plus the lawyer that I talked to even told me that I was not ready to make the move to file, little did he know that I would never have been the one to make the first move.

I am wondering if it would be smart to meet briefly with a lawyer. I didn’t realize that decisions now could impact things so much later, and I am not in a good decision making frame of mind right now. I can get a free 2 hour consultation through my work which should be more than enough to ask my legal questions, I think.

Just my thoughts on that. Free is always good.

[whatisis]

SadKimby, is absolutely right. Knowledge is power. I too went for a consultation just to know what my legal rights and obligations were if worse came to worse. Upon leaving I said to the lawyer "It was nice meeting you and hopefully we'll never see each other again!" Haven't seen her so far.

[believing_isaiah43]

I still think you are doing a GREAT job in the face of a lot of scary circumstances. Go, you! Yes, do meet with the lawyer. Everyone who has ever done it ALWAYS is glad they did, even if they never use them. Esp. for free. Hello? Good deal.

I love the birthday tease phone call; so cute! Made me smile. That's the kind of stuff I LOVE.

Thanks for checking in on my thread as well. Haven't posted about MC yet, it is just exhausting to think about and I want to be in denial for a little bit longer.
Check back tonight or tomorrow to get the scoop.

I wave a pompom in the air for you! Rah!

[NikB]

Thanks all for your replies!! Ok ok, you're all right - it is silly NOT to go see the lawyer especially when it's free. Thanks for helping me get that through my brain. And much's I appreciate you guys I know a lawyer is the best person to answer my money questions. Any other key questions you think I need to ask?? I don't think I'll tell H about it unless he asks directly.

Last night ended up being surprisingly good. I had forgotten it was the anniversary of our engagement until I got home and saw it on the calendar with the big red heart sticker that I decorate our special days with. H originally planned to take the day off to ski with OW and had asked me if it was OK, if you remember that. What a difference 2 weeks can make! Neither of us acknowledged the anniversary at all. I'm not sure if H even noticed it again but I bet he did.

A friend of his came by and they hung out in the garage while I put up Christmas decorations. H came in and said "Wow, it looks like Christmas in here!" He really liked the few different things I did w/the decorating, and then he suggested we go out to dinner. Our last dinners out have been disasters with too much time to talk so I panicked (but it also sounded good and I didn't feel like cooking!). I remembered a little Italian place we've gone with paper table covers and crayons, so we went there. This place is highly recommended for first dates and otherwise awkward dinners out!! Rather than talk we drew silly pictures and played hangman.

When we got home I started to pick out a movie to watch and H grabbed me and said "Nope, we're dancing" and put on our "party music" CD, we danced for a couple songs, and ended up ML. Then H asked if we could plan a New Year's party this year. First time in awhile he's wanted to plan ANYTHING more than a week in advance except for separating. We are known for throwing good parties, but I'm really unsure about inviting a bunch of people over with how quickly life changes around here these days.

He's out racing w/friends today but this morning he asked if I was going Christmas shopping. I said maybe, and he asked me if I'd mind picking out a couple of things for his mom and sister and gave me some cash. He says I'm better at picking out that stuff (and in a normal year I'd do a lot of it anyway). I wasn't sure how to respond - I'll enjoy it, but part of me wants to reply "You want to leave, you can do your own Christmas shopping!" I've had the same fleeting thought about his laundry. The man hasn't done a load of laundry in 11 years!! Probably pretty un-DB not to mention petty though.

I just keep on smiling but I'm so confused.

I have a Christmas gift related question for you guys too - any thoughts? H's memory has always been bad and MUCH worse lately. He really likes going through old pictures to help remember stuff, and we have a TON of them - probably 3 dresser drawers full and totally unorganized. One of my lowish priority "to do" projects has been to sort through, get them organized, etc. I was thinking it might be nice for Christmas to pick out some of the best/funnest ones and make him an album. I'm NOT talking about some romantic album of "look at all the great times we shared," more like parties, camping trips w/friends, family events, etc. If he stays, at least the pictures would be organized and it'd be a nice album for him instead of digging through 100s of pictures. If he goes, it would be something he could take with him to help remember the good times.

Good idea? Bad idea? If I do it, should I totally leave out ANY pictures of us and our vacations together, or maybe just keep it to a minimum? I wouldn't include wedding pics obviously. My gut says a handful of vacation pictures would be fine and it would be kind of weird to leave them out, but I don't want him to feel pressured or anything.

Hope your weekends are all off to a good start!! I'm off to catch up on your threads.

[NikB]

A funny thought just crossed my mind and thought we could all use a little humor. I weighed myself this morning and realized I've lost about 15 lbs since bomb #1 dropped. I still have around 40 to go to get to my goal, but this is major progress. Though as we all know, not for very good reasons.

Anyway between that and worrying about money, the thought crossed my mind - I should write a book, the "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" diet. Whaddaya think???

Everyone's been asking me how I lost weight so quickly and I've had to make stuff up... this way I could just give 'em a copy!

You KNOW a lot of us have trouble eating, want to lose weight, and are in a panic buying self help books. And the recipes would be so simple, just anything I've managed to a. get motivated to eat and b. keep down.

I think it has potential.

[inspiredjulie]

Very funny Nikki. You had me laughing!

Things sound nice and confusing. So jealous about you ML, but I know that makes it very confusing. Don't read much into it. Take care of yourself. Continue to detach and GAL. You seem so strong. Keep that up. Good luck w/ everything. Have a great weekend. Send me an autographed copy of the cookbook when it's done. Julie

[DonH]

Actually, that would be a great title for a book. It's so uncanney how man WAS have used the line "I love you but I'm just not in love with you" That really would be a great title for a book but then make it about the actual topic. Actually, I think it's such a good title I wonder if someone has not written a book and used it already. Does anyone know? And do these WAS know that all of them seem to say this at one time or another? Do then know how over used this phrase is?

My Current Thread

[NikB]

Thanks Julie, glad it made you laugh!!

Don't be TOO jealous about the ML.. it's like it's meaningful but not. At the time it seems great (practically like when we first met!), but then later or the next day it's like barely the same people.. if that makes any sense. It's like this different personality shows up, we have an amazing night, and poof gone. Actually I would probably be avoiding the ML entirely just for this reason, except that it was one of the big problems the last couple of years. So I figure any good moments/ memories we can build now are good. (well that and it's kinda fun...:))

I had a weird thing happen later today..snapped from really good PMA to just straight angry. I kept thinking about what H said about the house and realized he's trying to act like he'd be where he is without me, like I didn't contribute anything all this time. He's complaining about stuff that happened 7 years ago, saying "Well I paid the mortgage because you said you couldn't afford it." Ok maybe, I honestly don't remember because it's been SO LONG and I've contributed equally financially in spite of his higher income for at least 5 years now. But the thought also crossed my mind and I can't shake it... which is worse? Lying to someone, or having different incomes? And then it lead to me realizing that no matter what he says or I want to believe, he's either lying now or he lied before. He pretends that he's "always been honest" and I kind of held onto that, but I realized it isn't possible. Because, either he lied when we got married and he took our vows and he lied thousands of times when he said ILY, or he's lying now about not ever loving me or wanting to be married to me. I don't know why this hit me so hard but it did.

I'm just venting here...didn't tell H any of this.

When I was Christmas shopping I kind of realized too that this total upheaval of my life IS happening. Even if it's temporary it's happening. I found myself kinda shopping for curtains, bedspreads, things that I'd pick but H never would agree to. It lead me to wonder if setting up a whole new place that's totally "mine" made sense.

I am thinking of giving H an option... option 1 is I keep the house and he moves out. Option 2 is that I give him a list of my requirements for a rental, and HE has to do all the work of finding it, sorting out our stuff (obviously I'd be kind of involved there), packing, and moving my stuff.

I dunno... I'm still undecided but what do you guys think? My biggest objection in the beginning was that H wanted me to just disappear - leave him the house, find my own place, pay my own bills, no work or responsibility on his part, when HE'S the one who wanted out. Like I was supposed to just feel so guilty that he made the mistake of marring me or something. Anyway my original thought was the only solution was for me to stay in the house, but now I wonder if I should give him this other option.

I won't do anything til I get a lawyer's opinion either but I'd just be curious to hear your thoughts.