All this help me understand stuff is something we call a cheeseless tunnel, and your wife is going to resent the hell out of you for having that attitude. My wife did and I'm responding here because you remind me so much of myself when I started this stuff. It makes her feel like she's being poked and prodded by aliens when you exhibit that attitude.
There's nothing to understand.
That's hard for us analytical types to accept. She may explain some things to you when she trusts you again. She acted purely on her feelings when she left...avoidance of pain (your marriage) and pursuit of pleasure (OM). But that stuff is fleeting. She's not an animal. And the fact that she's back now means that there's some more serious thought taking place, but she may not even be aware of that and she'll never share that with you so don't bother.
She went to be with OM because he made her feel good, but then started feeling what it's like to be the kind of woman who abandons her children to go shack up with some other guy she thinks is the cat's meow but who is really just a blank screen for her to project all her ideals and fantasies onto. Until she realizes that he's just a blank screen, that those fantasies are just that. She may think that, may not, who cares?
That kind of love is adolescent. It's just enough to get people into trouble and nothing more unless it's shared within a commitment to be truly responsible for the relationship, and she doesn't have that with the OM and can't right now. So don't give her any more reason to break up your family and go give it a try for real.
And if you say those things to her, she'll hate you and you'll add days or weeks or months onto this process and heap untold misery upon yourself.
She's back cause she's confused and conflicted. She's back cause she doesn't want to abandon her kids and live with that. She's back because she doesn't really, deep down, have the love she truly needs, even from the OM. She may even be hoping that there's more to your M than she realizes and doesn't want to really blow things. There may be problems with the OM...he may have, and probably does have, some serious problems of his own (we all think the OP is perfection, but a great person isn't going to screw another person's spouse).
My W said she was committing to the marriage because she couldn't abandon her kids and because it was the right thing to do. I could've been a wooden indian for all she cared.
Chances are your W can't tell you why she's back. Either way, she's probably not going to tell you it's because, deep down, she's madly in love with you right now, so I hope you're not wishing for that.
It just doesn't matter. She's back. She's giving your marriage and family a chance. If that's what you want, be greatful. Be a great husband and father. Love her as much as she'll let you. Love her by taking care of the home and the kids and yourself (don't burden her with your grief) and your life so that she will have something good to step back into if and when she decides to do that.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
