She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

Hey J,
Hope you're doing well. Hope things are going well for you in general.

I passed he crisis, pretty much. Probably not much of a crisis, and I'm thinking I'll face worse. I've had a long, pleasant lunch with my best friend who supports me and aggrees with what I'm doing. I had a good talk with my W this morning (an R talk, that I initiated. I just couldn't take it anymore. More on that later). I get to go to work tomorrow, that will help with the stress level. So, except for the fact that my W gave me a little hug and went into her basement lair in tears (Is it because of OM?) I'm doing pretty well.

What has changed. OK, first, I'll admit I'm paranoid and being silly. But... She as a P.O. Box key on her key ring. Why? My guess, to communicate with him (although there are easier ways). She has started taking her phone with her everywhere, even to the shower. Why now? Why is she seemingly worried about me snooping now? (my guess - you got it). Those are the 2 big things to me. Other things are smaller. She has started separating her laundry from the rest of the family. She doesn't want me to wash her clothes anymore? Here is the worst one: she has been more friendly lately. Is it guilt for continuing A? I meant worst because it's a terrible way for me to think.

I think I know the right answer. You all have been telling me. No snooping. Take the high road. Don't worry about the OM, can't change it anyway. Give it time. GAL. All good. All advise that feels right to me. All hard to do at times.

So, am I totally crazy? Will I soon be crazy?

The R talk. I'm trying to figure out if I'm really in the last resort phase. I'm thinking, since she is pleasant enough, will talk when I initiate, has been going to counseling, that maybe I should take a chance and not just to last resort techniques. So I asked if we could talk. I just wanted to ask if she had any issues, complaints, suggestions, then I was going to stop. She was receptive and talkitive, so I shared a passage from the book Fighting for your Marriage about forgivness. Basically, it said that she shouldn't think I hadn't forgiven her just because I'm still in pain. You can forgive and still be in pain. She still seemed receptive and talkative, so we talked about
- how she still felt out of place living in the basement, being in the house.
- she felt guilty about leaving the kids "good mothers don't leave there kids"
- she said I didn't comliment her much in our M (I thought I did, I must be wrong. I've been complimenting her since she came back, and it made her distrustful. I explained that I was sincere, and that it wasn't always easy to compliment her).
- She wants a job so she can feel independent and stop living off of MY money. I'd always considered it OUR money.
- She doesn't want to hurt me.
- I forgive her
- I again said I hoped she could forgive me.
- I predicted a bright future for her and us, regardless of what happens in our relationship. In other words, the future holds a lot of opportunities, for both of us separatly.
- I don't want her to be in pain
- we talked about her looking for a job that wasn't local, but she was against it because she doesn't want to leave the kids.
What she didn't say: that she wants our M to work, that she likes me at all (not wanting to hurt me is different, but she does want me to be happy), she won't leave kids (does this mean she would take them from me?), the OM. I said nothing and she said nothing about the OM.

So what do you make of all this? Am I thinking too hard and need to just get on with GAL, PMA, etc? That's my plan. My friend was supportive, that helps. If I didn't think she was downstairs thinking about how bad she is going to feel when she says she is going back to OM, I'd say it was a pretty good day.

If she is talking to OM, nothing I can do about it. Nothing I would change about the my plan of action. It just makes it harder.

Happy new year! And I mean that. I am finding strength. I'm doing most of the right actions, and I'm getting to where I have the right thoughts too. I can do this. I, the kids, and even W, regardless of the end result for the M, will come through this smarter, stronger, happier. I'm sure You will too, J. It's a win win situation. It just hurts like hell getting there.