She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[25yearsmlc]

K,

Can't help you if I don't know the sitch. What changed? WHY do you believe all this is going on? I mean, what evidence do you have? Did she actually say she did not want to work on the M?

But you promised HER you would not bring up D until at least Feb??? IF so, that means she wants time....so WHY on earth are you rushing things??? Again, I don't know what has happened recently, but you need to tell me. Also, fwiw, an EA is very different for women, than a PA, at least speaking for me.

Hate to write this anywhere, but must confess. I have gone on some dates these past months, since I knew H had, (idiot!!-long story) And one guy was pretty attractive and decent and I THINK someday, maybe I could love him. If I were much younger or less "worldly" I might have convinced myself I was already "in love" with him, but thanks to DBing and some good counseling I KNOW that real love takes much longer and takes real knowlege of the other person. BUT I also know we all love being in love, and the aspects and dimensions of someone we are attracted to but don't fully know, can be filled in with positive images we fantasize about, until real knowledge of those aspects, fills us in on the realities....Point is, yep, I felt some Emotional attachment, and that scared me and surprised me, but then OM was HERE and H was in Alaska, .....does give OM an advantage.

But on the other hand, OM is still new to me and H has decades of investing on my end, and H's. And our children and our future have so much in common that OM cannot compete with, unless I get into negative funky moments when Nothing H does can look good and then the M gets into dangerous waters. But that is almost always when H is goofy or cranky and critical and then, being alone would be better than listening to that....Okay, why am I telling you this?? Oh yeah, b/c I want you to understand that even with my good feelings for OM, which make me a bit uncomfortable admitting, I seriously doubt I'd choose him or run off with him if H keeps on doing what he's doing lately--which is showing me his changes, not consistently, but significantly...and so far.... And yet, I feel guilty about not calling OM while H is here b/c I am sure it hurts OM. Don't know if I will ever call OM again, I doubt I will. Haven't gotten that far in my head yet. Just know that I cannot deal with two men at the same time.

Like I said, I don't post much here about this b/c I want my M to work and it's embarrassing to admit meeting/dating other man when supposedly working on M.

But my M looked bleak not that long ago and I had met this attractive nice single guy who makes me laugh and was the first guy I felt I could someday love. Not so sure now, btw. Even without H in the pic. Why?? BC OM has his own issues I can now recognize.

But I am wiser than I once was. In my early 30's, my H and I had a real struggle with his hours and a new assignment out of state. H was working all the time and there was no end in sight. IF he was home at all, he was either cranky due to sleep deprivation, or falling asleep at the table or on the floor, literally. Sex life??? What's that?????

I was active duty and oh, btw, we were at WAR, and thanks to H's med school loan, I was active duty even though I didn't owe for MY schooling, and guess who got sent to combat????Not H.....ME!!!! Anyhow, a guy that looked like Kevin Costner worked with me for sometime. Geez, I sound like I was 12. And I acted like it. It was weird, looking back. OM aka, Kevin Costner lookalike, paid LOTS of attention to me But when I think of the -- I recall actually not seeing ANY faults in OM for over a year of working side by side....looking back, I must admit I feel as if I was almost crazy about him, in the mentally ill way. It was like he had NONE of H's faults and only minor endearing ones, if any at all. That is not healthy. But for a long time the chemistry between "crush Man', combined with H's unavailablility, really blinded me.

I saw a chaplain, gave it all some time, and didn't act on or decide to do anything. H didn't know, so he didn't force anything. And due to the first Gulf War, OM was transferred and we didn't see each other anymore. So, maybe, there but the for the Grace of God, go I, along with some of these other women.....

Hope this helps you to see that if you give this enough time, it can work out FOR you. Thank God my H never found out this stuff. Because I gave it the time I needed and the situation needed, and things smoothed out in the long run. What if I had slept with OM, back then or with OM#2, recently? Well, if no one else knew, like my H, then I would have to deal with my own guilt. Maybe it'd be easy to rationalize but maybe not. The recent R with OM would be easier for me to deal with as I felt justified seeing OM when I learned that H had 2 dates. I recall that when H admitted his "dates" I confronted him at the time and said "What do you want to happen?" He said "I want US to work out and if I know you are committed to our M, then I'll stop and we'll work on US...." I chose to believe him. I mean at that point, why lie?

I felt that it was easy for him to say, since he still lived miles away from us. What did "working" on us, mean? Still, I knew that he was saying what his preference would be, and that in the past neither of us had strayed even though we'd been stationed apart for some months at a time more than once.

K, if any of this helps you to see that a woman can have some needs temporarily filled by an OM while the M gets worked on, and STILL eventually come back to the M, then KEEP those feelings. I only hope you can get that from my ramblings... Give her some time and space and tell me what it is that makes you so hopeless right now....also, even if you do part ways, it may take her time to see that OM is not all she believes him to be. And I am sure he is not....I am SURE he is NOT....okay?? God, I KNOW what I'm talking about so trust me on that. Don't count yourself out even then. Even with an old HS boyfriend, (I'll have to tell you about my 15 year reunion some time, like going into a time warp..."what 3 kids? What H??")
I told you about my aunt and cousin who divorced, later to remarry their original spouses, right? It does happen. Almost embarrassing to have 2 in my own family....details later, if needed. Both were happier the 2nd time around, btw. And as my Db coach said about what to do and what NOT to do, remember to KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH. If your W decides to stay, or to come back, don't make it any harder than it already is or will be.
j-