She left, came back, still loves OM, what do I do

[kirby]

Ouch, I'm hurting, and my small local support network isn't around to help me now. I've tried calling my friend, my brother, and my mother. Only my mom was available. Good thing about talking to her is that she gets me angry at her and not so sad about my sitch.

OK, I'm going to whine now. I know many have had it worse, and are experiencing worse now, but I’m tired, and feeling hopeless, and need to let down my guard for a bit and vent. I’m out of the house and not showing my W my weakness.

Basically, I feel hopeless. She isn’t trying, doesn’t want to try, doesn’t care, and I think she is back in the A (EA right now, if that matters). Why should I keep hoping or trying? It hurts so much. I need to morn this loss, the loss of my W, my M, my future, my sanity. I need to get it out. I need to get these feelings out and express them to someone. Then I know I need to suck it up, and soldier on.

I’ve been reading DR, and I feel I’m in the Last Resort stage. Maybe I should move out of piecing. When I first started this, in Newcomers, it was recommended that I go to piecing. And at that time, I thought that’s where I belonged. W did say she wanted it to work and that she was sorry. Now she says she’s not sorry, won’t comment on whether she wants M to work (and I know better to ask) and I strongly suspect she is back in the A.

I want to talk to her (confront her?). I want to know where things stand right now. I want to know for sure if she has or hasn’t resumed the A. I know what you’all tell me, but I feel if she told me that she hadn’t resumed the A, then I could have some hope. Yes, she could lie (I never thought she could, but she’s actually quite good at it). If she told me she had resumed the A…. then what. Maybe it’s better I don’t know for sure.

Meanwhile, I’ve promised her and myself that I wouldn’t talk D until at least February. Looking at the papers I’d have to fill out, it looks just way too hard anyway.

I’m going to read others posts, see what you all have done, how you’ve survived this. If you have survived, you’re an amazing person. I hope to join your ranks.

THANKS. I’m feeling better having dumped a bit.